When her past came knocking
by MorbidPet17
Summary: Detective Amanda Rollins had worked SVU for about ten months. She had a good partnership going with detective Tutuola and enjoyed her new job. But someone from her past would resurface and maybe risk all that. Would Fin get her to open up before it was too late or was this one secret she'd rather take to her grave?
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first time posting so I'm not really sure how to do this but I think I'm supposed to say something about not owning the characters. I don't. I feel the need to tell you english is not my first language so bare that in mind and I hope my spell checker is magical. **

**This story is set about ten months after detective Rollins entered the SVU. I'm completely ignoring the Murphy/gambling incident, not cause I didn't enjoy that storyline but because I wanted Rollins to be very anonymous up to this date. That's all I guess. Hope you enjoy.**

**XXX**

A worry had moved into his body as the day turned to night. He wasn't sure what it was but it was a somewhat familiar feeling to him. He could feel when the universe tried to tell him something. He'd always felt as though he had a spiritual soul. It had started as a knot in his stomach. Somewhat similar to feeling hungry but he could tell these feelings apart by now. It had grown to a bigger knot. He'd watched over his shoulder from time to time. Felt like someone was watching him. Of course he'd find no one was there once he turned.

–What's up? Olivia had asked once she'd seen him turn his head at least five times as she sat a couple of yards from him in the squad room. –Not sure. He sighed. -I'm gonna grab a drink. You want something? He asked but she turned him down with a I'm fine thanks. The feeling of awaiting doom followed him into the break room as he poured himself a glass of juice from the fridge. He tried to shake the feeling off by walking down the hallway a couple of times before he turned back to his desk. He reached the squad room just as Olivia's phone went off. She was typing away on her computer and the ringtone made her jump even though she'd heard it million of times before. Fin stopped dead in his tracks, cup froze just underneath his lip as he was about to take a zip of the cold juice. He watched Liv's face as she answered. He could barely hear her but he saw her lips move in that familiar way. Detective Benson. Her face had been at rest when she answered but soon became tense. Fin watched her intensely. It was a very brief call. Liv's eyes became narrower as she learnt something from the person on the other side of the line. She didn't say anything, she just listen. Then her lips moved and she hung up. She immediately rose. She spotted Fin and waved him over with a gesture that made it obvious she wanted him to hurry up. He walked over to her quickly. He saw her grab her jacket from her chair and then turn back to him just as he got there.

–St Anne's emergency. Amanda was brought in. The knot in Fin's stomach just suddenly up solved and the worry spread into his entire body. He put his cup down on Liv's desk and rushed towards the exit with Liv just a step behind. –Talk. Fin said as they moved down the stairs. –Beat up. Unconscious. That's all I know. They found her badge. They had reached the pavement. –My car. Liv said and gestured to where she was turning. They got in and took of with a screech. At this time at night on a workday the streets weren't busy and with the lights flashing Liv could drive fast. Fin's mind was spinning. He'd felt something was off tonight. Why hadn't he linked it to Amanda. He'd apparently cursed out loud cause Liv told him; -She could be fine. We don't know anything yet. Fin couldn't turn his eyes to her. He kept them on the road ahead. They couldn't reach St Anne's soon enough. Liv found a parking lot opposite the emergency entrance and jerked to a stop. Fin was out before her but she caught up just as he entered the doors. Liv held up her badge at the first nurse she spotted.

–Detective Amanda Rollins was brought in… was all she had to say as the nurse interrupted her. –Oh good you're here. The nurse said and led them down the corridor in a fast pace. –She woke up and she's… she didn't have to say more as they heard turmoil a few doors down. The nurse smiled uncomfortable at them. –She wants to leave. She explained and held up a door to them. As detectives they were used to quickly scanning any scene they got to and this was no exception. There were five people in the room. A doctor, two nurses, a security guard and Amanda. Everyone except for Amanda were placed at the door as to stop her from leaving. The gurney, on which Amanda surely had been lying on earlier, had been pushed to the side. The sheet had some blood spots. Amanda's boots were tossed by the wall on the other side of the gurney. Amanda stopped dead in her tracks as she saw the new arrivals. –Oh geesh. She sighed as the realization hit and she turned around as she covered her face with both hands. –Of course they had to call you. She whispered. She was wearing a pair of dark blue jeans and on top a white tee that had obvious signs of tearing and some blood spots on the back. Her dark jeans had lighter chalking residue on them too, looked like she'd been in a dirty fight on the ground at some point. Her hair was pulled back in a loose braid that was now messed up and strands of her hair had fallen out. Both Liv and Fin had seen the state of her face. The dark red on her chin, the scrapes on her jaw line and the bloody lips. Both upper and lower. As she pulled up her hands to her face they saw her scraped elbows and bruised knuckles.

Once Fin and Liv entered the scene had subsided quickly. As Fin slowly approached Amanda Liv pulled the doctor outside. The nurses started to clean up the things that had shattered around the room as Amanda tried to exit. The guard still wanted to make sure the situation was under control and watched intensely as Fin approached the distressed patient. Fin just took a solid stance about two yards from Amanda and let her have the time to cool down.

Meanwhile Liv and the doctor stepped outside. –We're detective Benson and Tutuola. We work with detective Rollins. Can you tell me what happen? The doctor nodded and then spoke. –She was brought in by a couple. They said they found her in an alley. They should still be in the waiting area if you want to talk to them. She was attacked by a man that they spooked and he ran. Since she didn't wake up they drove her in here. –No ambulance? The doctor shook his head. –Okay. Go on. –We got her in. She was unconscious but in a stable condition. We put a monitor on her, vitals looked rather good. We found the badge and called you immediately. We were working her over when she woke up and… the doctor looked towards the door. –She just wanted to leave. –Her injuries? –Well I didn't really get a chance to look her over properly so it's just what's obvious. She's taken a beating. She seems to be moving around rather easy though but I still won't let her go until I've at least checked her ribcage and for concussion. Liv nodded. A nurse left the room and walked past them. –And detective… the doctor got her attention. –She was brought in with a ripped shirt and unzipped pants so there's a chance… he left it at that. Liv swallowed and gave him a couple of small nods. –So you'll let her leave as soon as you've checked ribs and head? –If that's cleared then yes. But if not I might want to do a CAT scan. Liv nodded and took the lead to go back in.


	2. Chapter 2

While Olivia took the doctor outside Fin watched Amanda's back. She still had her hands over her face and she was taking deep breaths. Once her breathing got back to normal he spoke. –Are you with me? After a slight pause he got a nod. –Are you okay? She let her hands down and turned her side to him. Didn't turn her head towards him yet though. He watched her cross her arms in front of her, face crumbling a bit when she put her hand on her blood scratched elbow. He could tell she was still trying to calm herself down. The side of her face turned to him had a red oval just below her cheekbone. Almost like misplaced rouge. Half an inch higher and it would have given her a black eye. –I will be as soon as they let me out of here. She finally answered and he saw her blues for a brief second.

Once she learnt she had her voice in order she grew a little gutsier and took a step to Fin's left so she could see the security guard. –I know my rights. You can't keep me here. She hissed hatefully. She turned and took a few steps to his other side and addressed the nurses. –You cannot keep me here against my will. She hissed at them. Fin held up his hand in an unthreatening way to try and keep her from steaming up again. –Liv's out talking to the doc. Let's just trust her to take care of it. He said and got her full attention. He tried to keep his posture and face as calm as possible but seeing her made his inside roar. Her jaw had clearly been dragged over the pavement at some point, it had the same drag marks as her elbows and arms had. Some smeared blood wiped out over her cheek. Her upper lip had a small red gash while the lower lip had a deeper one. Fin saw the tip of her tongue briefly swipe over it. She noticed him looking and turned slightly away from him and broke their eye contact.

She looked down and only then noticed her boots were missing. -They're by the wall. He told her before she had to ask. –And my jacket? Fin didn't know and looked around the room. –Sorry nurse, was she brought in with a jacket? Both nurses looked up but the younger one answered with a nod. –I think it's at the intake. With her badge. –Could you check and maybe get it to her? The nurse nodded and headed out. –I could get it myself if they only let me out of here. Amanda said between clinched teeth but had to loosen her jaw the second later cause of the pain that the clinching caused. The nurse that was left looked up with a sour face. –She really shouldn't be moving around. She should at least be sitting down. Amanda was about to bite back but Fin beat her to it. –It's okay. I'll catch her if she falls. And at the same time he put his hands in his jacket pockets. Both the nurse and Amanda registered his small gesture. The nurse looked down even more sour but Amanda got a slight smirk on her face. She met Fin's eyes briefly. He got her thank you even though she didn't say it out loud.

At that time Liv and the doctor came back in. The sour nurse had collected the last from the floor and took the opportunity to sneak out. Fin turned to them, as did Amanda. –Let him clear your chest and head and then you can go home. Liv told them. Amanda sighed and shook her head. – I'm fine. She muttered. –Chest and head. Liv repeated which resulted in yet another shake of the head but then she reluctantly made her way over to the gurney were the doctor was waiting. The younger nurse came back in holding on to Amanda's jacket. Another nurse came in just behind her. –I'll be outside. Fin said mostly to Liv. Liv grabbed his arm before he had the chance to leave and whispered; -The couple that brought her in is still in the waiting area. Fin just nodded. The security guard followed Fin out and he showed him the way to the waiting area.

Liv walked over to the back wall to keep as much out of sight as she could. She wanted to take a peek at Amanda's injuries since she figured the doctors journal wouldn't say much with her reluctance to get a proper exam. The doctor had gotten Amanda to sit up on the gurney but now hit a wall when he wanted her to remove her top. –Then I'll have to order x-rays and you'll have to undress completely upstairs instead. Liv was happy to hear the doctor had some backbone after all. He'd need it with this patient she thought to herself as she saw Amanda make her reluctance very clear as she pulled her top up. The new nurse tried to help her get the top over her head but Amanda jerked away and gave her a deadly stare until she stepped off.

–Sally would you get some swabs for detective Rollins lacerations please while I clear her chest. The young nurse went over to the cabinets to get the material for the swabs. The new nurse helped the doctor put a collar around Amanda's arm so they could check her blood pressure again. The doctor was blocking Liv's vision of Amanda but she kept still for now. –Follow the light with your eyes only. The doctor advised his patient. Liv saw him move his little light in front of her face. He did this a couple of times and then had a closer look at her eyes. He shifted weight from side to side to check her ears. The younger nurse came back to the gurney and put some material down on the end of it. She waited for the doctor to give her the go ahead. The doctor got his stethoscope and put the end of the device to Amanda's chest area. –Breath in. And out. The doctor advised. –Again. He asked after he'd replaced the device. –Can you take a deeper breath?

Even Liv noticed the small jerk when Amanda tried to take a deeper breath. –Does that hurt? He asked but she quickly shook her head. He put his stethoscope around his neck and put his hands on her ribcage. Liv could see parts of her face when he bent down and she could tell when he hit a sore spot. Her eyes would flinch and her nostril would flare just a tiny bit. –Does this hurt? He asked but again she shook her head. He remained at the same spot and when she flinched a couple of times he just concluded; -That hurts. He then stepped around the gurney which left Amanda in full view for Liv. She tried not to stare that obvious cause she knew the young detective kept her eyes on her too. Amanda's front wasn't that damaged. She wore a white, plain bra. Her skin was very fair so any injuries were easy to spot. She had two dark smaller areas on her left ribcage. Liv guessed from two or more punches by a fist. Other than that she was clear. Very impressive abs though Liv had to acknowledge. The young detective had a very slim and fit carcass.

Liv noticed that Amanda had caught her eyes looking and Liv gave her a small smile before Amanda broke the gaze and looked to the side obviously not comfortable with her exposure. Meanwhile the doctor had stepped around and then took a step back to eye Amanda's back. –You need to swab this too nurse. He said and Liv so wished she too could see what the doctor saw. He bent down and Amanda flinched once he touched her. The second touch made her face crumbled briefly. The doctor stood up again and got his stethoscope down. He gave her the same instructions as when he examined her front. She managed to keep a straight face this time when she took a deep breath. But when he started to push at her ribs her face cracked at times. It didn't seem to kill her though. Liv had never seen her get injured too badly at work so she didn't know how high or low her threshold was. She now figured it was rather high. The doctor stepped to her front again.

He turned slightly so Liv could hear him too. –I really don't feel comfortable discharging you without a full exam. Amanda was about to object but the doctor held up his finger. –But I will if you make sure someone can watch you for the next 24 hours. You have at least a minor concussion. I wouldn't be surprised if there are some cracks in your ribs. Lungs are clear. No damage to liver or spleen. I want you to take it easy for the next couple of days and if you experience any symptoms as vomiting, extreme pain or dizziness I want you to immediately seek a doctor. Can you promise me that? He looked from Amanda to Liv and then back to Amanda. She nodded. He turned back to Liv. –Someone will be with her for the next 24 hours? Liv nodded.

–I'll get the discharge papers while Sally tends to your lacerations. And you will let her see to them as she sees proper or I'm retaking the discharge. He gave her a serious look as he headed for the door. Liv moved from the wall because she wanted to grab the doctor. –I'll be outside. She said to Amanda but before she stepped out she took some sidesteps behind the gurney to have a look at her back. This didn't go unnoticed by Amanda but Liv really didn't care. She had some lacerations on the middle of the back. Could come from being dragged or pulled over pavement. Same as for her arms and elbows. She met Amanda's furious blues before she sneaked out.


	3. Chapter 3

**So this is a fanfic I wrote on paper and when transcribing it to the computer my plan was to rewrite it a bit since I tend to go dark when I write. Now that I'm reaching the last chapters though I'm not liking the editing I have to do and some of my own favorite scenes/chapters get some what hard to explain. So I've decided to go back to the original "script". I just wanted to warn you though before you get too invested in this story. If you don't like dark you should probably find another fanfic to read. Without giving too much away though I can tell you I'm a sucker for happy endings so it will not end in a dark place that I can promise you. So for the rest of you who, like me, don't mind visiting the dark side of life... enjoy!**

**XXX**

Olivia caught up with the doctor in the hallway. –Hey doc, so she's safe enough to be cleared? He had stopped dead in his tracks. Fin came walking up to them from the other side and joined them just as the doctor spoke. –As I said a minor concussion. At least a minor one. Blunt force trauma to the ribcage. Lacerations on her arms, back and jaw line, none deep enough for stitches though. Her blood pressure is a bit high but that's not uncommon with the trauma she's experienced tonight. I would feel better had she let me do a full body exam but she'd made very clear before you came that she would never agree to one. As for the mental bit I'm hoping you and your department will see to that? Liv nodded. The doctor took a pause and looked at Fin and then back at Olivia. –I have to say, in my experience the one's that put up such a fight /_he gestured to the door Amanda was behind_/ to resist a rape kit are the ones that really needs one. He looked at them seriously before he turned to leave. –I'll get the discharge papers. He said as he walked away.

Liv looked over at Fin. –Whatcha got? She asked cause she could tell he was eager to speak. –I talked to the couple that brought her in. I'm sure they are tweakers, had some funny business in the area but they gave a good enough statement of what they saw. They were walking back to their car when they heard a man yelling. They didn't pay much attention to that but then they heard a woman scream so they rushed across the street into this alley. Further in by these containers they saw a man on his knees, he was getting his pants down and they could see a woman's legs beside him. They screamed and ran towards them. Scared the man off. He took off running down the alley pulling his pants back up. They got to the woman who was barely conscious. They asked her name and she answered Jade. –Jade? Liv repeated and Fin nodded. –She then passed out. And since these two are the only New Yorkers, included toddlers and homeless people, without cell phones they decided to bring her in themselves. He carried her to their car and they knew St Anne's were close by. Something about free needles was mentioned.

–Description of the man? Fin shook his head. –He was rather tall, average size, maybe dark hair, wore a hoodie and the lady was sure he wore blue jeans. –And Amanda? How was she dressed? –Torn shirt and unzipped pants but nothing further. –So he didn't get to her. Liv thought out loud as she went somewhere in her head. –Jade? Liv said again and looked at Fin. –Did we have a case with a Jade recently? –Not that I can recall. Fin answered with a shrug of his shoulders. –We should probably look into it. I have a feeling she knows this guy from somewhere. Are we bringing in the couple? Fin shook his head. -I sent them home with my card. Took their address and digits but I don't think we'll get any more of them. They were clearly jacked up so they'll be in lalaland before /_Fin looked at his watch_/ well maybe even before midnight. Liv looked at the clock in the hallway. –It's rather late anyways. Doesn't seem like she wants to make a report of it either. I promised the doctor someone would stay with her the next 24 hours. –I'll stay with her. Fin said immediately. –Are you sure? She asked. –I'm thinking maybe I'll get something out of her. Fin said.

It crossed Liv's mind that it should be her. She was female after all but she really hadn't given the new detective much time for them to get to know each other. She aimed to fix that though she swore to herself. Meanwhile she knew Fin would look out for the young detective. They had a good partnership going there Liv felt. It made her think of Elliot of course and she hoped Fin could be Amanda's rock. She needed one right now. The doctor came walking back with a paper in his hand. He entered Amanda's room. Liv turned to Fin. –I'll drop you off and then I'll go by the alley just to have a quick look. Did you get the address? Fin gave it to her. –Be careful though, that prick might still be around. Said Fin and went to stand by the wall. Liv followed him and leaned back against the wall next to him. –I have a feeling he isn't though. I think she knows this guy.

The door open and the new nurse came walking out. –She'll be done in a couple of minutes. She smiled at the two detectives and hurried down the corridor. They both stood deep in thought contemplating everything they'd learnt tonight. The doctor came out rather quickly. –She's all yours. He said as he approached them. He handed Liv a card and said; -If I can help in any way. –Thanks doctor. Liv said and took the card from him before he walked off. They went back to their own thinking. Finally the door open and the young nurse held it open for Amanda to walk out. –Thanks. Amanda mumbled to the nurse who smiled at her. Amanda had anything but a smile on her face though. She brushed the braid out of her jacket collar. Liv and Fin got off the wall. –Ready to head home? Liv asked. –Since before I got here. Amanda mumbled again with the same annoyed face.

They followed her down the corridor. Both of them watching her every move with great interest. She seemed to be moving without any restraints. Now that she'd brushed her fingers through her hair the loose braid looked like it was purposely done. The nurse had washed away smeared blood from her face but it was still bruised, scratched and her lower lip was swollen where the gash was. Her face and jeans reminisced about the nights struggles. Her jacket seemed to be fine though which made them both think she hadn't been wearing it once she got attacked. Amanda could probably feel their eyes at her back cause she glanced to the side briefly and met Fin's worried ones. He tried to give her a sincere smile but she'd turned back before he was able to.

She got her head down and her hand up to her neck as they passed the intake area. Either she really needed to move a couple of strands of her hair or she tried to hide her face from the crowd that was gathered there. Neither Fin nor Olivia knew for sure but they saw the nervous gesture and both took in the sight of her scratched knuckles. Drag marks or defensive wounds they couldn't tell. –We parked over here. Liv informed her once they got out into the cool august air and she gestured across the intake area. Amanda let Liv pass so she could lead the way. Liv had the keys and Amanda sneaked into the seat behind her as soon as she'd unlocked the car. Fin got into the front passenger side deciding to give her some space.

Liv was about to start the car when she realized she didn't know where Amanda lived. She felt a bit ashamed when she had to turn her head slightly backwards to ask; -I don't know where you live. Amanda gave her the address managing to keep her voice neutral even though Liv wouldn't have blamed her if she'd sounded miffed. Miffed cause her senior partner knew basically nothing about her Atlanta transferred co-worker of almost a year or cause tonight's trials gave her the right to be so. Fin seemed to know though and gave her directions of the best way there. It wasn't a long drive from there. And the address wasn't far from the alley where Amanda's assault had taken place which made both detectives in the front seat wonder if Amanda had been on her way home when she was pulled into that alley. They drove under silence. Within ten minutes Liv pulled up outside Amanda's building. A quiet street with mostly high apartment buildings.

–Thanks for the ride. Amanda said quickly and was about to jump out. –Hold on there. Fin said and stopped her in her tracks. –You're kiddin me right? Amanda said. Liv liked the fact that the two seemed to get each other without many words spoken. Something she was familiar with. –We can drive straight back if you prefer that from me on your couch. He gave her the option and she let out a grunt of ingratitude but then sent Liv a "night" before she stepped out. Fin turned his head to Liv. –Be careful and call me once you're out of there. He told her and gave her a serious look. She nodded. –Take care of her. –You know I will. –Sleep well. –Night. Fin stepped out and walked over to Amanda who was lingering by her front door. Liv waited until she saw them step inside. She knew Fin would have her back but she still felt a twinge of alarm in her gut. Amanda was fighting way too hard to keep this under the radar. Liv drove off to see what she could stir from visiting the unreported crime scene from earlier that night.


	4. Chapter 4

Fin could tell already from her pose outside her front door that she wasn't happy about the situation. Tough he just thought to himself and walked up to her. She reluctantly held up the door to him as she used her key and then stepped inside. He followed her to the elevators and they rode up to the fifth floor under silence. He'd never been inside her house or apartment and he felt strangely curious to see her domains. He wondered if her place had that southern charm he heard about or if she'd have a dream catcher around. He would soon find out he thought as the elevator made that well-known sound of final destination reached. He let her step out first and he didn't miss how she looked both ways with a somewhat suspicious eye before she took the first step towards her apartment. He wondered if this was a regular habit or if it was caused by the night's trials. She had the apartment to the right at the very end of the corridor. Fin tried to orientate himself and figured that would give her windows to the street and maybe to the alley to the next housing.

–I haven't cleaned. She muttered as she open the door and reached for the light. He didn't know how to answer that and just kept quiet. She flung the door wide open so he could pass her as she leaned towards the wall to get her boots off. He stepped in and found himself in a small but yet airy hallway thanks to the high ceiling. He closed the door behind him and kicked of his shoes on the doormat that said "welcome home". She caught him looking at it and muttered 'My mom' and he saw her roll her eyes as he looked up at her. She'd gotten her boots off by now and tossed them on the floor even though there was a shoe rack by her side. A shoe rack with only a pair of running shoes and a pair of flip flops on them. She got her jacket off and hung it on a knob by the other wall. He followed her lead and did the same but used another empty knob for his jacket. Other then the shoe rack there wasn't much in there except for the door mat, the knobs and a small frame with what looked like a butterfly made by a couple of hands and the letters A + J written beneath. It wasn't big but seemed to have great value to her since it was the only thing put up really.

She'd taken a few steps into the apartment when he'd hung his jacket and she seemed to be waiting for him. She'd crossed her legs and was balancing on one foot as she wobbled her knees a bit. She'd crossed her arms slightly in front of her. The previous almost hostile pose had changed into one that seemed almost sheepish. She looked uncomfortable and a bit embarrassed. –Casa Rollins. She said while he made his way over to her and she gestured to the room in front of him. He looked around and saw a rather spacious living room, again maybe cause of the high ceiling , but with very little decor. She had what looked like a very comfy large couch, a couch table and a big flat screen TV. A rug underneath the couch and table. The two windows were spacious without either curtains or plants. The light button by the door had turned on both the hallway light and a cluster of smaller light bulbs just hanging straight down from their strings by the couch. He liked that detail a lot. The room looked nice but it lacked a personal touch. There was nothing on the walls and in the corner behind Amanda he saw two moving boxes still unpacked and by them a stack of books looking like they were longing for a place to sit in.

–Living room. She said and gestured to the room in front of them. –Kitchen. She pointed to his right. –Bedroom and bathroom in there. She gestured to the door that was almost closed to her left side. –And that's it. She closed her hands in front of her. –Nice. Spacious. He said. –If you call this not cleaned though I'm never inviting you over to my place. He looked at her with a curved eyebrow. Sure there was an empty glass on the table and magazines both on and off the table but it was far from untidy. There was a blanket neatly folded over the couch arm and two pillows in one corner. –Well it's been worse. She whispered still clearly uncomfortable with having him there. –Look I'm really in the need of a shower. If you need to use the bathroom before… she left it open for him to answer and he shook his head. –I'm good for now. He said. –Okay. She squirmed a bit under his gaze. –Feel free to what little I have in the kitchen. The remote is over there. She pointed to the flat screen. –And I'll be out with a cover and a pillow for you when I'm done. –Great. He said and he got a brief smile from her before she turned to retreat into her bedroom. She closed the door behind her.

He let his eyes rest a while at the door that had just closed. He was usually calm by nature but right now he just wanted to know what was going on with her. He let his eyes wander around the room again. He couldn't believe she'd lived here since she moved to the city. He had more junk than her. Robinson Cruise had more junk than her. Probably even Dalai Lama or Gandhi or some other ascetic soul out there. He walked around the room. He peeked out onto the street. It was still. He looked into the kitchen from where he was standing. It was one of those open floor designs. A counter with a huge window above it almost all the way to the roof and a wide opening to its left. It was dark in there. He walked over. He found the light switch and a row of lights underneath the counters lit up the entire room within a second. It looked fresh. Light counter tops, a new stove, refrigerator and sink in a nice design. The back panel was draped with dark grey stone mosaic. Only a few items were left out on the counters. A closed lap top was charging by the window.

He saw some things on the refrigerator and walked over in hopes he'd get a glimpse of Amanda Rollins there. He found an old ticket to an Atlanta Hawks game, a yellow post-it with just a phone number on it and another one with a past date and time on it and another date and time that was still ahead. All of them held up with Coca-cola magnets. When he looked closer though he saw it actually said Co-cola on them but the color and design was the same as the original. There was plenty magnets left alone and he wished he'd been able to see photos or something underneath instead. He wasn't sure what the last post-it was about. His curiosity got the better of him regarding the other post-it though and he put the digits into his phone for a search in the morning when he was back at work. He looked inside the refrigerator and found she hadn't been kidding about the 'what little'. She had a couple of beers in the back. On a shelf he saw a peanut butter jar, a bag with some kind of nuts and some sad looking blueberries in an open plastic container. On the shelf below he found a stack of some weird looking grapes. He picked one and slowly put it in his mouth ready to spit it out if it was not eatable. But it was strangely delicious. Sweeter than any grape he'd ever tried, not that he was an avid grape eater but still. He took another one. On the door he found a can of Coca-cola and a small, unopened syrup bottle.

He grabbed a beer from the top shelf and closed the refrigerator. He twisted the cap of and went to hunt for the trash dispenser as he took a slug. He found the trash were it usually sat and he saw at least two takeout boxes down there. He also noticed she recycled. Papers in one dispenser and a couple of jars in a second one. The third one empty and since he hadn't recycled a thing in his life he didn't know what that one was for. I should really start to recycle he thought to himself. He took a look in the kitchen cupboards. She really didn't have much in there either. Four plates, four bowls, a couple of glass and five mugs in different designs. In one he found like five different kinds of ice-teas and sugar. Lots of sugar. Who had ice-tea in New York he asked himself. The girl from Atlanta of course he thought to himself and smiled. As he was about to walk out he noticed another little frame with something handwritten on it. He hustled over. He had to read the words a few time over since he had a hard time grasping them. "The gods avenge not on the son the deeds done by the father. Each, or good or bad, of his own actions reaps the due reward. The parents' blessing, not their curse, descends." He didn't get it. Around the words were some splashes of color. He recognized a fingerprint in one of the colors and figured it was painted by hand. He wondered if Amanda was the creator. He didn't recognize her handwriting though. She usually wrote more plain but then again this had probably been done in no hurry.

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing. He saw Olivia's last name on the screen and flipped it open quickly. –Hey. He said. –Hey. I didn't interrupt? –Never. Have you been? –Yeah. I'm still here. I can't really tell where she got attacked and I can't find anything usable. She sounded bothered about this. –But /_her voice got a happier tone_/ there is a traffic camera just across the street which means we might have footage of her in the street at least. –Great. –Yeah. I'm gonna go by the station just to put in a request for it. Maybe we'll have it by tomorrow already. –Great. But then go home and get some sleep Liv. –I will. I'll just do a quick search on the name Jade in her files though. How's she doing? –She went straight to the shower. Haven't been able to talk to her. –Okay. Fin stood in the door between the kitchen and living room and gazed around the room. –What? Liv asked when the line went quiet and she figured he was thinking something. –Her apartment is just so… I dunno. It's like she hasn't really moved in. –Well maybe she hasn't? –She's been in this flat since she got her Liv. She should be more… he wasn't sure what to say. –Say it. Liv urged him knowing sometimes you got to the core by just voicing whatever was in your head. –Her furniture is new. Which isn't surprising when moving that distance I guess but she also still has unpacked boxes in her living room. Empty cupboards. It's like she'd be ready to get out of here if needed. Liv thought about what he was saying. –Well maybe she is? –I don't like that thought Liv. –I know you don't. Neither do I but with all that's gone on tonight I'm not sure what to think Fin. What you just told me makes me think even more that she knows this guy. –Yeah I'm right there with you. –Okay I'm gonna get out of here. Make sure the two of you get some sleep too. Let me know if you need me to cover for the captain tomorrow. –I haven't really thought of that. I don't think we can stop her from going to work though. –Probably not. But you'll let me know? –Sure. Be safe Liv. –Will. Night. –Night. Fin shut his phone.

He remained in the door for a while. He could just barely hear her shower running from where he was standing. He took another stroll around the room. Checked the street again. If she knew the guy he might know where she was staying. He could be out there. Amanda had staked out the hallway as she left the elevator. Since he hadn't seen her walk up to her building he didn't know if she'd done the same outside or not. He walked back to the hallway. He wanted to take a closer look at that framed picture. As he walked in there he noticed the door. It had two security chains. One was usual but two? He looked closer at them. One was new he could tell. It was placed further down on the door. The chains were left hanging and he let them be like that for now as a test. He turned around to look at the framed butterfly. The butterfly seemed to be made by paint by the side of someone's hand that had been pressed against the paper. The two sides were slightly off in size and the color palette was just slightly different which made him think the wings were made by two different people. The A + J written below hinted to that same conclusion. He touched the left side of the butterfly that was smaller and with a more orange tint to it. He wondered if that was Amanda's hand. The other side went more in a green shade and the fingers in the upper wing were more visible. He had to smile at himself when he caught himself looking if he could maybe get a partial fingerprint in the drawing. In the detective mode constantly.

He looked at the J written below. Jade? He could still hear the shower running so he dared to lift the frame off the wall. On the back he found a year written. He tried some quick math in his head and figured it would make her about seven at the time that the drawing were made. Could that make Jade a classmate? A sister? He tried to recall an interaction he had with Amanda while at the hospital during a case. Didn't she say something about a sister having some mental issues? Or was it drugs? Or was it a friend she talked about? He wished he'd paid more attention back then. He should know if she had siblings or not he thought to himself. Seeing how he himself didn't like talking about his past he preferred to stay in the present with friends and colleagues. He put the frame back on the wall and walked back to the living room. He decided to try the couch and TV out while he waited for her to be done so he hopefully could get to talk to her some. He found she had plenty of channels. A lot of sports channels he noted. He flipped by the sports channels though, he enjoyed a basketball game every now and then but for light entertainment he preferred a music channel. He settled on MTV and an old episode of Jersey Shore. He'd already seen it but he didn't mind.


	5. Chapter 5

Fin didn't have to wait for Amanda long after he'd taken a seat in front of the TV. He turned the sound off as soon as he heard the door open and he turned his head to her. He could hardly see her as she was carrying a big cover and a pillow in her arms. As she reached the couch though she put it all down on the arm opposite him and he could inspect her. It seemed the shower had a refreshing effect on her. She just seemed calmer. Washed from shame and hurt. She looked younger. Maybe it was the lack of mascara, her wet hair pulled back in a loose bun, the long-sleeved top in a darker shade of green, the loose white slacks and her bare feet. Her cheek was still red though, the scraps on her jaw eminent and her lips still swollen. He smiled at her and he got a sheepish smile back. –I stole a beer from you. He said. –Good. I got you a cover and pillow. I'm afraid it's not a pull out though. She said and gestured to the couch. –That's fine. You know me, I can sleep anywhere. The room went silent. Not even a car heard out on the street.

–Don't you need one though? –Uh? –A pull out. Your mom and dad don't come to visit? He'd said something funny judging by her face. –No? He said while smiling as she looked really cute. She shook her head. –They would never set their foot in New York. –Why? –It's way too big for either of them. My mom would freak by all the people and my dad… she just shook her head. –No. She whispered with a smile on her face. She was picking at the pillow, her sleeve so long it covered her knuckles. –No siblings then? He saw her face change in an instant. Her smile disappeared and he saw her swallow. She stopped her picking and brought her hand up to her mouth. She looked up and just gave him a quick shake of the head as she tried to force her smile back. –Do you wanna have a look at the bathroom? Just so you don't fall over something. –You mean if it's as cluttered as your living room? He said as he got up. That got him a half a smile and a light roll of her eyes. He followed her to the bedroom door.

The sibling comment had touched on something. He wasn't sure what though. As he got into the bedroom something else caught his attention though. –Sweet Jesus. He said as he breathed in. –That thing must swallow you. He was talking about the bed which was basically the only piece in there. It was humongous and took up most of the room. –Yeah I know. It came with the flat. It has to be cut into pieces to get out of here and I just… She shook her head. –And it's hell to find sheets for. She kept walking towards the bedroom. He looked around as he followed her. The room was just as the others. Plain. There was the bed, the two large windows had curtains but nothing else, a floor lamp by the bed, a single moving box by the wall and a door to what looked to be a closet. He figured she kept her clothes in there. The bed was made on one side with a couple of pillows, a couple of books were placed on the other side of the bed. She could basically lay in bed however she wanted to. Horizontal. Vertical. Across. Hell they could both lay in that bed however they wanted to without even having to touch each other. Not that they would share a bed. But they could.

They had reached the bathroom. It had a shower, toilet and a sink. A cabinet with a mirror over the sink. Not much junk lying around. She'd placed a stack of towels and a toothbrush on the toilet seat. –I wasn't sure if you wanted to take a shower or not. She gestured to the towels and then picked up the toothbrush. –I'll be fine for the night thanks. –And… she held up the wrapped toothbrush and left the question unasked. –That I would not say no to though. Dental care is important to me cause I hate dentists. He smiled and grabbed it from her. –I didn't have any other paste but you're welcome to mine. It's in here. She took a step forward and open the left side of the cabinet slightly. –Great. –So do you think you'll need something else? She asked with a raised eyebrow. Without her regular boots on he had some height on her and he smiled down at her. –I think I'm fine with what I got. She nodded and was about to bite her lip but stopped herself as the gash made itself known by hurting. –I'll be outside then. She said and turned. She closed the door behind her.

He looked around the bathroom. No personal affects here either. Not that bathroom was usually the place for family portraits but he kept hoping he'd get something somewhere. He unwrapped the toothbrush and took a step to the cabinet. He went ahead and continued to open the side she'd started at. He found the toothpaste and got some out. He open the other side too. It was nothing like any cabinets he'd seen before at a single girls place. Except for the paste there was a toothbrush, a lotion bottle, a deodorant, a chart of Tylenol, some facial cream, mascara and on the bottom shelf a couple of hair bands and some simple earplugs. He shook his head as he started to brush his teeth. It was weird. He closed the cabinet and moved around a bit as he brushed his teeth. He found nothing. He finished with his teeth and then grabbed a towel so he could just wash off his face. He took a leak, washed his hands and then went out.

He found her sitting by the foot of her bed. She'd been leaning against the footboard and obviously fallen asleep as she waited for him. She woke up as soon as he open the door though and sat up immediately trying to hide the fact she had fallen asleep while waiting. Not that she had too. He understood if she was worn out and tired after tonight. He smiled at her and she smiled back. Her feet didn't touch the floor when she sat on the bed. It was really a too big of a bed for her. With a hubby and a couple of kids then yes maybe but for now no. –Ready for bed? He asked and after a slight hesitation she nodded. –So as the live in nurse for the night I have to ask you: do you feel any symptoms of dizziness or nausea? She shook her head. –Have you taken any Tylenol or something for the pain? She hesitated again but then nodded. –Good. I'll be right outside if you need anything. And I'll leave the door slightly open so I can sneak in easily in two hours to check on you. He'd started to move towards the door.

–Fin… He heard the complaint coming and turned around to give her a serious look. –I can just sit by the end of the bed all night if you prefer that? He said with raised eyebrows. She tried to stare him down but was basically too tired and gave up sooner than she wanted to. –There's really no need. She muttered as she jumped down from her bed to head to her sleeping space. –I'm setting my phone on two hours. Good night Amanda. He said and kept walking out. He shut the door almost closed and took one last peek at her through the gap. She was just about to climb up into her humongous bed. He wished she would let him in. He sighed and went to take his spot on the couch again. He set his phone on vibrate and drifted off to sleep easier than he thought he would with everything going round in his head.

The first checkup went smoothly. He sneaked in carefully hoping not to wake her. She'd turned over and had her back to him. He instantly noticed small dots of blood on the sheet though right by her back. She'd brought most of the cover with her as she'd turned and her clothed back was exposed. He carefully lifted her top up so he could peek inside and he clinched his teeth as he saw the lacerations on her back. It angered him. The mere fact that they were there made him angry but they weren't deep enough to make her bleed out. He figured they had probably taped them at the hospital but after the shower they had come off. He wished she'd felt secure enough to ask him to help her see to them though. He let go off her top and instead reached over to grab a hold of her wrist. He put his fingers as carefully as he could on her wrist vein but still hard enough to be able to feel her pulse. As he was hunched over her he looked down at her sleeping face and could tell she was breathing peacefully. Her pulse seemed fine. He softly put the back of his hand on her forehead. She felt warm but not too warm. He took his hands off her and just watched her for a bit. Then he silently backed out and went back to the couch for another two hours of sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The next checkup had a bit more drama to it. As soon as he stepped inside her bedroom he could hear her breathing was off. He hurried to her side. She'd turned again and was facing him. Even in the dark, with only the small light coming from the open bathroom door he could tell her cheeks were flustered and when he put his hand to her forehead he could tell she was a bit sticky but not feverish so. He was just about to wake her up when he heard her mumbling. Her breathing had gone back to normal and it dawn on him she could just be having a nightmare. She wasn't necessarily ill. If she'd been sleeping since she went to bed she'd probably reached REM sleep by now and nightmares after what she'd been through last night wouldn't surprise him. He checked her pulse and it was maybe a bit faster than the last time but not darting. She started mumbling again and he tried to hear what she was saying. He didn't understand at first but then, as her breathing picked up again and she seemed to get agitated, he heard "don't" and something that sounded like "leave me alone". He saw her fingers dig into the sheet and then he heard it. Jade. That name again. –Jade. Please. Help me. She cried through muffled sobs.

The detective in him wanted to eavesdrop further but the righteous man in him wanted her to stop hurting and he softly put his palm on her upper arm and whispered her name gently as he stroke her. –You're safe Amanda. You're home in your own bed. He said trying to calm her down. –Well not really in your own bed but you're at least home Amanda. He watched her closely ready for a sudden jerk or a sudden defensive move that could hurt him. She was after all a cop. And a darn good one he had to add. Nothing came though. Her breathing calmed down and then he saw her eyes flutter a bit before they open up and he saw her deep blue ones. –You're okay. It was just a dream. Turn around and go back to sleep. He whispered. She looked up at him but at the same time she didn't seem to actually see him. He helped her turn around, something a mother figure once told him to do to not fall right back into the same nightmare. Once she'd settled on the other side he pulled the cover back up around her. He lingered a while to make sure she went peacefully back to sleep. She seemed to do so easily. He checked her sheet just so it wasn't much more blood spotted than before. He had to rely on the probability it had stopped though cause he didn't want to touch her right now and risk to wake her up.

He took a few steps back and stood by her feet for a while until he was sure she'd gone back to sleep. She was breathing peacefully. Who was this Jade person he wondered. He'd only known girls who were named Jade but could it be a nickname for a male too? Or a last name? He wished it wasn't the middle of the night so he could call Olivia and ask if she'd found something on the case search. He just had to wait and he went back to the couch yet again. This time he left the door open a bit further hoping he would hear her if she was haunted by another nightmare. Sleep eluded him this time around. He tried to recall if they'd ever discussed previous boyfriends and such but nothing. He almost found it strange now that they'd never touched on it. Sure he wasn't much for sharing but he'd learnt it was part of the game. He had to listen to at least his partners share and, often, dwell on odds and ends in their lives. But Amanda never did he now realized. Maybe that's why they got along so well he thought to himself. They had discussed dating and such though cause numerous times when they had been out for a beer after work she'd been picked up by guys. Fin had cop friends asking him for her number and he'd brought it up just to know where she stood. He'd even asked her bluntly if she wasn't interested in the male gender at one point when he'd seen her turn a guy down at the bar for about the tenth time. She'd, without even raising an eyebrow at the question, just told him she wasn't looking at the moment but when she were ready it would most likely be a bloke that got her number. That just told him she was open minded and since his son's boyfriend had just been in a gay bashing incident it warmed his heart to learn this about her.

He recalled a talk they had in his car during a stakeout. She'd told him she found the city guys to be so pushy and often cocky. Back home all she would have to do was flash her badge and they would step off. That the guys down south didn't seem to want strong independent women but up here guys seemed to feed on them. He'd loved that argumentation from her and he'd told her he thought she might be right in that reasoning. It didn't help she was a hot southern blonde he'd included with a wink. She'd never mentioned a past steady boyfriend though. She'd said once she was too busy with sports in high school she'd missed all that with dances and ridiculousness. It was beyond his belief though that she never had suitors. Even if she was an ugly duckling she must have became a swan long before she reached NY. The more he thought about it the more he was sure something must have happen to her somewhere in the past. And that something might be linked to the guy that attacked her tonight. That meant he had to find out who he was so he could make him disappear from her life for good.

He managed to fall asleep less than an hour before he was woken by his phones buzzer again. He tried to rub life into his eyes before he headed into her bedroom. She'd turned and was facing him again. He walked up to her as quietly as a guy his size could. She seemed to be sleeping peacefully and her breathing was normal. Her arm was placed just in front of her body and he went for her wrist. He'd just put his fingers around her wrist and found her veins as she jerked and flew up in her bed. Her sudden awakening spooked him too and he pulled his hands and body back which made him safe from her one wipe off move before she retreated backwards on her bed. –Jesus! She swore once she got awareness of where she was and who he was. –Tell me about it. He said with the first breath he was able to draw. –You're supposed to keep me alive not give me a heart attack. She complained. She moved out of bed, pushed passed him and went into the bathroom. The door slammed shut. He brought his hands up to his head and stroke his clean-cut scalp as he took a few deep breaths. That had surely been a rude awakening for both of them.

Once he collected himself he sat down by the foot of her bed. He heard the toilet flush and then the water start to run. It ran for quite some time before she turned it off. He had to wait a little while longer before she came out. She paused as she saw him sitting on her bed but then kept walking back to her bed. –You okay? He asked as she got to her bed and then climbed into it. –Yeah. She answered and immediately turned her body away from him and wrapped herself in her cover. –Okay. I'm sorry. He said and pulled himself out of there. She was clearly at least breathing so he left her alone. He checked his arm watch. It was past 6:30 am now. They had been home at Amanda's just before midnight and in bed about half an hour after that. He figured it was only good if they both got a few more hours of sleep. He went over to the couch and sat down. He got his legs up but pushed the cover away. He was warm enough without it. The sun was rising from another direction which left the room still somewhat dark. He had the TV on but with no sound. Still MTV. Now some early morning music chart rolling. He yawned and watched the screen for a bit. Then he felt a presence and turned his head.

He spotted her straight away. She was holding on to the door frame. Her long sleeve not covering her bruised knuckles when she did that. Her face said nothing. It was just blank as she met his eyes. –Hi there. He said. –Hi. She answered with a whisper. He still couldn't read her. –Get over here. He said and got his feet off the couch as he pulled the cover away too. She seemed to contemplate his request for a second but then came slipping towards him. Something childlike about her being. Like a little girl sneaking down to have a peek at Santa as he visited Christmas night. She got up in the couch on the other side and he bent slightly forward to throw the cover over her as she sat down with her legs pulled up to her. She almost disappeared under the cover. Had she always been this tiny he asked himself? She avoided meeting his eyes. Her thin bangs giving her a curtain to hide behind. He waited. And then finally he saw her blues nervously peeking up at him through thin blonde strands. –I'm sorry. She whispered. He smiled at her and shook his head. –No need. He said sincerely. –Did I hit you? She asked anxiously. Another shake of his head. –It was close. Some damn fine Karate Kid move you pulled there. He chuckled and got a shy smile as a reward.

She seemed to relax a bit. Her shoulders went down slightly and she seemed to relax her legs cause the cover went down a bit so he could see her better. She was playing with her fingers in her lap to distract herself and keep her eyes away from his. He wanted to ask her about what happen last night but he feared it was too soon and she would run if he did so. She peeked at the TV. –So MTV… she started. –Great for light entertainment. He filled in. –And educational too. He added. She gave him a curious look. –Oh yes I've learnt a lot of slang from music videos, not to mention Jersey Shore and you'll never ever find me sixteen and pregnant. That got him a chuckle from her. She rested her head against the couch. –And what else have you learnt from Jersey Shore? She asked with a tired smile on her face. He took a deep breath. –Well there's a spectacular dance move called the Jersey turnpike for one. And it's never a good idea to ram your head into concrete before a fight. He took some time to think and then continued: -And the phrase 'taking a grenade for a friend' is not only used in the military. Pizzas in Italy are nothing like in the US. And not that I hate Snooki's poof but I still think it belongs in the 60's. I have to add though that Amy Winehouse wore it very nicely. –She was great. Amanda yawned.

He watched her eyes go back to her hands in her lap. –Why won't you report it? He decided to at least give it a try. He briefly saw her blues. –You know him? He said more as a statement then a question. –Drop it Fin. She said quietly. –I can't. You're my partner. It's my job to have your back. It came out sounding too professionally. He wanted her to know he cared beyond it just being a job. –I care about you Amanda. When someone hurts you it hurts me. Again her blues flickered past his. He could tell she was contemplating something. Her forehead got those thinking wrinkles. The room lay quiet for a while. –Tell me one of your undercover stories. She suddenly asked and peeked up at him. She looked down again though once his gaze got to intense. He knew she liked to listen to him tell stories from his previous job at the narcotics division. He had some good ones seeing how he spent a lot of time undercover. A lot of crazy stuff went down. –I'll tell you one if you tell me something afterwards. It was worth a shot he thought. –Deal? He didn't get an answer but hoped her sense of fairness would set it once he was done. He started to tell her about this time when they busted in on a burlesque night club. He'd worked the bar for a few weeks and met some weird customers. She smiled at his admissions and some confessions. He knew quickly though that he wouldn't get anything out of her right there and then. Her eyes were falling shut and he could tell she would be out very soon. He didn't mind though. Rest was good for her.

He talked her to sleep just like he'd done with his son when he was really little. Before the job had taken over completely and he'd become an absent father. She fell into a peaceful sleep right in front of him and he kept his eyes on her as he drifted away in his thoughts. He couldn't get his head around what was going on. When he'd first laid eyes on her he wasn't sure she had it in her. Her petite frame, those blonde locks, gorgeous but naïve blue eyes and that innocent smile of hers hadn't helped with that first impression. But she'd surprised him. She had a solid handshake and she'd looked him square in the eyes. No shifty eyes there. And she'd walked up to him all on her own. No captain towing her around. She'd done her homework before she'd transferred. She knew the players. The captain had teamed them up rather quickly. Fin figured Cragen also let her petite frame fool him and their boss wanted her to be protected out there. Where the wolves would eat you alive if you weren't careful. Especially a petite blonde from the south. But he could tell already on their first case she had skin on her nose. She took a backseat but still wasn't afraid to give him her input or step ahead when asked to. And then she'd slowly started to step forward on her own. Still not stepping on anyones toes, well not his anyway. She had stepped on Olivia's at one point early on but in his eyes rightfully so. Amanda had a hunch on a case, a hunch that had turned out to be right but it had been tricky. Olivia didn't hold grudges though so it wasn't a big deal.

Amanda and Nick butt head from time to time though which Fin actually enjoyed watching he had to admit. They were like a brother and sister fighting. A fight she usually came out winning, possibly cause Nick was too much of a gentleman. Fin figured that may also be the reason why he triggered Amanda. She didn't want special treatment cause of gender, age or anything else. That suited Fin just fine. He tried to treat her like an equal. Surely there were times when they both needed to face the fact, she was powerful with a gun but a 220 lbs man could be a struggle even for him. Add any kind of influence on that and it was a risky situation. Though any situation they walked into had the potential to be risky. Partners needed to have each others backs at all times. He had the right to be worried right? He wasn't overprotecting her was he? No this was different. This was personal to her. He understood boundaries and private affairs but he had been dragged into this weather she liked it or not. He was there. Why wouldn't she accept his help?


	7. Chapter 7

Fin had managed to fall asleep too after a while. He woke with a jerk and tried to orient himself. He heard a car honk down on the street. First sound he heard from the outside. This flat was very soundproof. He'd never heard a neighbor since he got here. Total opposite to his place where every bad record played, every screaming spouse and hollering kid came through every single gap it could. He looked over at Amanda who was still sleeping. She'd turn to the side in her sleep and her legs laid flat. He could feel one of her feet just slightly against his thigh. She looked peaceful. He looked at his watch. 10:30 am already. They'd both slept good. He needed to visit the bathroom though and got up as carefully as he could. He managed to get out of there without waking her up. He did his business and then washed off as well as he could. He brushed his teeth and then left the toothbrush on her sink not knowing if he might need it again. He wasn't sure she'd let him sleep there another night without the doctor's orders. He headed back out.

As he walked through her bedroom he heard his phone buzzing on the table and he hurried to grab it before she woke. Too late though as he saw her stir before he was able to pick it up. He'd gotten a text from Olivia. He'd check it later and instead turned to Amanda who had open her eyes but slammed them shut again obviously disturbed by the bright light. –Sorry 'bout that. He said as he saw her put a hand over her eyes and forehead. –What time is it? She mumbled with a raspy voice. –Past ten thirty. He informed her and she let out a sound of dislike. –Better get moving then. She said there after and got her feet down on the floor without opening her eyes. –Are you sure you wanna head to work today? He asked as he saw her put her head into her palms just briefly. Her head was surely killing her now that the Tylenol was out of her system. –Why shouldn't I. She said without wanting an answer. She tried to stand up but it didn't go too well. Fin saw her loose her bearing and took the only step he needed to reach her. He grabbed her arm as carefully as he could not wanting to inflict any more pain to her injuries. His other hand waited just behind her back in case she needed more support.

She found her balance quickly though and gave him a look of both embarrassment and conflict. –I just stood up too quickly. She said quietly and stepped away from him making him have to let go. –I'll be quick. She said as she walked over to her bedroom. –Take your time, we have enough of it before we have to be in. He said to her back. –Yeah but we have to get breakfast, I have nothing to offer you here. She said as she disappeared and he couldn't argue with that having gone through her cupboards during the night. While she was in the bathroom he checked Liv's text. "How are you guys? I'm at the station. No footage yet though. Have nothing to go on." It read. He texted her back. "We're fine. I got nothing for you. She's a wall. We'll be in before shift starts."

He went into the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. He brought the empty beer bottle from last night for her recycle bin. Once with water in his hand he went over to the window and looked outside. It looked like a nice day out there. He watched an old lady water her plants in an apartment across the street. The lap top on the counter got his attention. He looked over to the closed door to the bedroom. Surely she'd be in there for a while. He put down his glass and flipped the computer open. He didn't find anything of interest on the screen, just the usual programs. He open the browser and checked the web history. He didn't find anything that would bring him closer to finding out what happen last night. He found a gleam into the personal life of Amanda Rollins though. There were a lot of theater websites and theater review pages. He had no idea she was into theater. They had never touched on the subject. They had discussed movies but never theater. He looked at her favorites and again found many theater pages along with news sites, a police scanner site, Google, twitter and a web help site. He wonder if she'd sit at home and listen to the police scanner. A sure way to burn yourself out. He shut the computer and went for a second glass of water.

She was true to her word. She didn't take more than 20 minutes to get ready. This morning's shower didn't seem to make her so refreshed though. She was very pale he noted as she came walking out with a pair of black jeans, a white tank and a plaid shirt with way too long arms. The last item probably picked out with purpose so she could cover her knuckles. Her hair was still wet and brushed back into a ponytail. He also noted she had tried to cover up her bruises. So he'd obviously missed some secret stash of make up somewhere in there. She'd managed to cover up the cheek bruise rather well but the jaw shined through and there was no covering her lips. It worried him that she seemed to have done this before. She'd gained experience enough to do it quickly and rather well. –You do know you make other women look bad when you manage to get ready in the morning in less than twenty? He smiled at her from his spot by the kitchen window. –On a good day I can break ten. She said as she finished button up her shirt.

They were out of there within five minutes and it didn't go unnoticed by him that the two security chains were on once they left. He wondered when she'd done that? They went down to the garage to get her car. He teased her about her hillbilly car as they got in and she retorted with a remark about his 'gangsta' car and how she wasn't quite ready for one of those yet. For a while they both were back to their usual banter and Fin enjoyed the view as they drove over one of the Triboro bridges. As he looked back over at Amanda though he saw her hand on the big steering wheel, her sleeve had slid down and her bruised knuckles were showing. She noticed him looking at her and she took her eyes from the road a while to meet his eyes. She followed his eyes back down on her hand and quickly changed grip. She avoided his eyes and as soon as he'd turned his head back to gaze out through his window she got her hand down and shook it so the sleeve fell down all the way. Of course Fin was still very aware of what she was doing. He didn't need to have his eyes on her to know.

They drove into Bronx under silence. Finally she had to ask him what he preferred for brunch and he told her anyplace would do. She parked right outside a small diner they'd visited frequently. They got a spot by the window and a waitress was quickly there to give them menus. Fin was hungry and ordered a big breakfast while Amanda settled with an omelet, coffee and juice. Fin dug in as soon as the food came while Amanda didn't seem to be in a hurry. He could tell she made sure her sleeves covered her hands at all times as they ate. He saw her gulp the juice rather quickly as she went for just a zip and he got the attention of the waitress and ordered her a refill even though Amanda didn't look like she wanted one. –Aren't you hungry? He asked when it was obvious she had trouble digesting the omelet. –It's just not that good. She tried but when he then told her to order something else she brushed him off with a shake of her head. The omelet looked fine and there wasn't many ways a diner could screw one up so he figured she just used it as an excuse. –You're not feeling sick are you? His question got him a stern look from her and then a shake of her head. She had some more juice at least but most of the omelet was left on the plate once they finally got out of there.

They got in to the station with a few minutes to spare. Both Olivia and Amaro were already at their desks. Olivia gave them a friendly smile as they walked in and Amaro shot them a Good morning. Olivia and Fin exchanged a look before Fin turned to his desk. Amaro had kept his eye on Amanda as she swung of her jacket on the chair and then sat down. –What happen to your lip? He asked with some concern. –It's nothing. She just said and focused in on the computer screen. Amaro looked up and met Olivia's eyes across the floor. Olivia just raised her eyebrows at him and went back to her business. He shot Amanda another look but as she seemed to be busy scanning her screen he too went back to his own. It didn't take long until Cragen came walking out of his office. –Munch needs back up over in Manhattan. It's one of ours after all. He said as he walked up to them. –Liv you got court right? She nodded at him. –Okay then the rest of you go. Details are sketchy. Munch will have to fill you in on the scene. Since Amaro was closest by, Cragen gave him the address he'd scribbled down on a piece of paper. Cragen had caught the sight of Amanda's face and watched her with narrow eyes.

–Can I just see you in my office briefly Amanda? He asked and she tried to hide the fact she knew what it would be about. –Sure captain. She said overly chipper and followed him into his office. As soon as they'd walked by Liv she rose and walked over to Fin's desk. Fin had already stood up and they walked away to the corner of the room. Amaro tried to hide his curiosity as he watched them. 'What was going on here today' he asked himself. Liv had already been in when he got there and she'd been somewhat secretive. He figured she might be focusing on the court appearance she had later on but there was just something… going on.

-Still no footage? Fin asked as they walked over to the back wall of the squad room. Liv shook her head. –And nothing on the search. There hasn't been a Jade in any case since she got here. –What about her old cases in Atlanta? Liv just gave him a look. –Okay I know you can't go through those. He sighed.

–Okay it's just… He started but stopped and looked at her undetermined. –What? Liv urged. –I don't want to embarrass her but she had a nightmare last night. I heard it. She said Jade. And Please and Help me. –Like 'Jade please help me' or with punctuations in between? –No it felt like she asked Jade to help her. –So not the perp then. Fin shook his head. –She hasn't given you anything? She asked and got another shake of his head as an answer. They just stood there for a while. –I guess we can't do anything then until we get the footage. Liv said finally. –I'll be in court but it shouldn't take long. I'll let you know when it arrives. Fin gave her a nod and as they saw Amanda leave Cragen's office they shattered. Fin went over to their desks. –Ready to head out? He asked as Amanda joined them and the three of them headed to Munch's crime scene.

Cragen had of course wanted to know how Amanda's lip got injured and the state of her jaw hadn't gone unnoticed to him either. She hated doing it but she lied to her boss. She told him she'd stepped in between a couple arguing last night. He told her she should have reported it. Assaulting an officer was never okay. She told him she just figured the couple had enough trouble as it was. He let her go with that. On the way down to the car Fin of course had to ask if she was okay and she gave him a couple of quick nods. Munch crime scene turned out to be rather clean cut. The victim, a woman in her late 40s, had been raped and murdered along with a male victim who had been shot. After questioning neighbors they found the woman was divorcing her husband and then the soon to be ex husband came walking back to the crime scene and gave himself up. It was always a treat when the perp came in without a fight. Munch had Fin and Amaro take him in for questioning while he asked Amanda to stay put to finish up the crime scene. Since Fin still wanted to keep an eye on her he of course asked if she couldn't ride in with them instead. When Munch withheld she should stay put he didn't push it, or to be honest the evil eye he got from Amanda made him not push it any further. This, Fin's concern, didn't go unnoticed by Nick. Of course he didn't say anything though, he'd not figured his senior partner out yet and didn't know how to address it without sounding just nosey. They got the perp in, took his statement and booked him.

Another case came in and Fin was quick to say he would take it with Rollins. He swung by and picked her up from Munch and once he had her in his sight again he felt calmer. Meanwhile Liv came back from court and soon she and Amaro was off to another crime scene. Liv called Fin around dinner time and asked if they should hook up to grab something to eat. It wasn't that often they all were able to get together and Amaro found it a bit odd as they later sat down together all four of them to have dinner. There was this strange tension hanging over them. Sure Liv and Fin spoke as they usually did, of course their respectively cases was the topic, but they were just throwing weird looks all around the table he felt. They tried to get his and Amanda's insight constantly. He tried to be helpful but Amanda seemed shorter than usual. Something was just off. Fin urged Amanda to eat, Amanda put her sleeve in the food and Olivia was just so mellow. He felt as though he was trapped in one of those Wes Anderson movies his wife had kept dragging him to. The dysfunctional family around the table and he couldn't put the finger on what it was he disliked with either the movies or this situation. He felt a bit relieved once he and Liv finally could ride back to the station to work on their case. Fin and Amanda had interviews and hit the road.


	8. Chapter 8

Later that night Liv finally received the package with the footage she'd requested. She and Nick were mostly bound to their desks on this case but they had two witnesses coming in to give statements. Liv felt a bit bad but asked Nick if he was okay with taking their statements on his own. She told him she had this thing she wanted to take care of and of course he didn't object. He was curious to hell though to what this 'thing' was about. Liv texted Fin and told him the footage had arrived. He and Amanda were busy tracking down a possible suspect though but he would be in as soon as he could. Liv went ahead to check the tape since they might not even have anything or importance on it.

Fin and Amanda hadn't wrapped up their case when their 12 hour shift was up. They had a clear picture though and had put out an arrest warrant for the suspect. Fin had seen Amanda slowly dip as the night went on. She covered it well though. He'd seen her slip at least one Tylenol during the day, she hadn't eaten well at all and she couldn't hide the fact she got paler and more tired as the day turned to night. This was not the time for a double header or even overtime. The suspect wasn't an immediate threat to anyone and the entire night force would keep their eyes open for him. Fin tried to invite himself over to her couch again but she stubbornly turned him down. She didn't even allow him to follow her home and all he could do was watch her drive off once they were back at the station. Once she'd turned the corner he quickly made his way up the stairs. He found Amaro at his desk and asked him where Liv was. He hadn't seen her for a couple of hours so he wasn't sure. Fin called her and then found her in one of the tech rooms.

–Found anything? He asked as soon as he got in there. They were alone in there and could talk freely. She nodded. –She knows him for sure. Okay, look here they come. She had pushed the play button and now pointed to the screen. The picture was rather good even though the camera sat across the street. They saw Amanda coming down the street in a rather fast pace. A man at least a head taller than her walked by her side half a step behind. He looked shady with his hoodie pulled over his head and he was gesturing wildly. Amanda stopped a few yards before the alley, turned to him and said or shouted something. He got his hand up to her face and she slapped it away. It looked like she tried to keep her distance to him, like she wanted him at least an arm away. They had some discussion back and forth. They couldn't say for sure with the distant footage but Amanda didn't seem happy. It wasn't just the man's looks that made him seem shady, it was something about his demeanor. He looked unreliable and Amanda seemed to be aware of this. She managed to keep him away whenever he got a bit too close during their heated discussion by taking a step to the side or gesturing just like him so he had to back up. Finally she had enough, it didn't look like they got anywhere in their discussion, and she walked on. Fin clinched his teeth as he saw the man grab Amanda's arm just as they walked past the alley. Since he knew the end result he knew it had to grow uglier sooner or later.

When she tried to fend him off he grew aggressive and then pushed her up against the brick wall to the alley. Amanda held up her hands in a nonthreatening way and he seemed to back off a bit. He gestured to her and she said something. He then started grabbing at her jacket. She tried to fend him off but that just resulted in him getting her jacket ripped off her. Seemed his interest was the jacket and not her though and they saw him search the pockets. Once he found what he was looking for he threw the jacket back at her. –What is that? Her phone? Fin asked. –Yes. It looks like he's looking through her phone. Liv answered since she'd watched this bit about twenty times by now. –He's looking for something. Someone. Fin whispered and Liv nodded even though they were both focusing their eyes on the screen. It didn't seem like he found what he was looking for and then it looked like she demanded to get her phone back. He didn't at first though and at one point it looked like he threaten to smash the phone in the ground. She just kept her hand out and then finally he gave it to her. They saw her put it back in her jacket pocket and then it looked like they only stood there for a while.

–It gets grim fast now. Liv warned him. Fin held his breath. The man took a step to her which made her back hit the wall again when she backed away. He got his hand up against the wall next to her. His left, which meant he blocked her from the street. When he leaned down towards her she ducked out the other way but he grabbed her waist and hinder her from leaving by pressing her back to him. She somehow managed to get out of his grip though but then as she tried to get past him he flung out his arm and his fist hit her mouth. She went down back first. They saw him look out on the street nervously. She was down but not out as they saw her try and sit up. She'd lost the grip on her jacket as she fell and she leaned towards it as to grab it. This meant turning away from him and that's when he grabbed a hold of the fabric on her lower legs. As she tried to lunge for her jacket, perhaps in an attempt to get to her phone, she ended up on her stomach as he started to drag her into the alley. She had to give up on her jacket and instead tried to kick herself free. She quickly ended up on her back instead as he shifted grip. There was no way out though and they saw her try and grab for anything as he pulled her into the alley and out of sight.

Fin finally breathed and turned his head to Olivia. –Wait. She said and got him to look at the screen again. –He comes back out after a while. They waited, at least a minute past. And then he came walking out again. He looked around, bent down to grab her jacket and then turned back. –So he must have knocked her out in there if he dared to go back for her jacket. There's no way he left her there unguarded and she would have run out the other way if she could. –Son of a bitch. Fin whispered. –When do the tweakers show up? Liv leant forward and jumped a head a bit. –About three minutes after we last saw him. She pushed the normal speed button again and let it play out. They saw the couple come charging across the street. They stopped just outside the alley but then charged into it. It took about a minute and then they came back out. This time the man was carrying a limp Amanda in his arms. They hurried down the street with her. The woman was carrying Amanda's jacket.

–I couldn't get a great picture of his face. This was the best I could get. Liv said and pulled out a photo from an unmarked case file. Fin picked it up and observed it closely for a while. –Son of a bitch. He repeated and put it back down on the table. He turned to Olivia. –He would have raped her if the couple hadn't shown up. He just said and she nodded. –And why wouldn't she report that? He thought out loud. –I can see a couple of reasons for that. For one it could be embarrassing for her maybe. Fin shook his head. –Not more so than for her to have us see her there at the hospital. –So she's hiding something else then. Or someone else. Fin nodded as Liv spoke. He leaned towards the screen and pushed the rewind button. He got to the part where she ended up on the ground and let it play for a bit. He froze it just as Amanda knew she wouldn't get to her jacket, when she instead tried to grab on to the pavement just before he forced her to flip to her back. He looked closer to the screen. –That's the first time she shows fear. He said quietly. –But right there she is scared. He said a bit louder and got up from his chair so he could breath. He felt as the room was closing in on him. Liv had looked closer to the screen too and now leaned back as she watched him walk the room a bit.

-Maybe we can get fingerprints from her phone? Liv suggested. –There's no way she'd give that one up without an explanation. And it's probably too late now. Fin sighed. –Then I don't know. I want to help her but if she doesn't want help I don't know what we can do Fin. Liv threw her hands out and then let them rest in her knees. –But we can't let him get away with… that! Fin raised his voice and pointed to the screen. Amanda's face on that freeze frame would haunt him the next couple of days. –I know. Liv said but still didn't know what they could do to help her. –We could go to Cragen. She suggested but agreed with Fin as he shook his head. –I'm gonna show her that creeps picture. I'm gonna ask her who he is. We have the tape. Maybe she needs evidence? He suggested but it was Liv's turn to shake her head. –Her injuries are evidence enough if that was the problem. She got defensive wounds. He couldn't turn that against her if that was the issue. Fin agreed silently. There wasn't much more they could do right now. Neither of them said anything but both had a nagging worry something else would happen to Amanda if they didn't act. Liv said good night and left Fin with the unmarked case file and the memory stick with the footage.

Fin sat down in front of the screen for a while and watched Amanda's face. When he felt the anger inside just grow he turned off the screen. It wouldn't help either of them if he lost his temper now he thought to himself. He put the memory stick in the case file and went to hide the file in his desk until he could confront Amanda with it. On his way out he tried calling her even if it meant waking her up. He felt a need to make sure she was okay. He got to voice mail after a few rings. He left her a short message just to please let him know she got home safe and was still breathing. He decided to walk home and during his walk he got a text from her. 'Home & with good oxygen %' it read and it put a smile on his face. At least she was safe for now.


	9. Chapter 9

The next day would be hectic. It turned out Fin and Amandas suspect was a threat after all. During the night he'd paid a visit to the victims' family. The family was safe but got a real scare. The suspect kept leaving a trail of violence as he tried to hunt down his victim. After an intense 10 hour hunt they finally got him cornered and they could take him in. He lawyered up quickly though and they didn't get much out of him. Pleading not guilty would not get him anywhere though seeing how he left incriminating evidence on the victim and had made threats to numerous witness after the assault. All they had to do was get enough good witness statements and he would be locked up for a long time.

Even if they both were tired as their shift came to its end Fin decided he had to confront Amanda about her assault. Liv saw him get the unmarked case file from his desks drawer and then how he caught Amanda as she came out of the break room. Nick came out of the gentlemens and passed them on his way to his desk. –They're still on the Looney tune guy? He asked Liv who had been gazing after them. The suspect had gotten the nickname since he had a Yosemite Sam tattoo on his arm and it had been one of the things that gave him away. –No he's on his way to county. She said a bit distracted and turned back to her desk. –Okay. Nick sat down at his desk. –So I think I'm about done here for the night then. He said to Liv as he had checked his messages and concluded nothing new was in. He looked over at Liv but she didn't seem to have heard him. –Olivia? He said and got her attention. –Huh? She said as she turned her head to him.

–You got something else for me? –What? No. She seemed unfocused but he gathered it could be the need of sleep. –And we got that witness at noon tomorrow then? That's when she finally gave him a smile and seemed to really pay attention to him. She nodded. –Yes she'll be in at noon. Still no word from the father but he does work shift at that power plant and she said he could be hard to reach. Maybe he'll have checked in by tomorrow at least. They talked about tomorrows witness a bit but then got interrupted by a door slamming down by the interrogation rooms. At this time a night the squad room was rather quiet so the noise got the attention of the few people in there. It didn't take long until Amanda came charging down the corridor. Obviously fuming. She avoided everyone's eyes and just kept walking out. Fin came soon after but stopped at the end of the corridor as he knew there was no point running after her. He held a crumbled paper in his hand. He met Olivia's eyes, took a deep breath and then turned in to the break room. Liv immediately rose and hurried in after him. Nick was left still feeling like he was in a Wes Anderson movie.

She found him by the back wall. –I take it it didn't go that well? She said as she slowly approached him. He shook his head without looking at her. –What happen? She asked and leaned against the vending machine. He took a deep breath and looked up. –Basically I showed her the photo, she told me to back off, I pushed, she told me to _fuck off_ and threw his picture at me. He held up the crumbled paper in his hand. He sighed and raised his eyebrows at her.  
–Awesomely in other words. He said with obvious irony in his voice. –I had a feeling that's how she would react. Liv said with a comforting smile. –And you couldn't have warned me? –Would that have stopped you? She asked and got a weak smile from him. They stood in silence for a while. –So the next move? She finally asked. He shrugged his shoulders. –I'm not sure but I'm not giving up. I'll keep asking. She'll tell me sooner or later.

**The following day...**

Olivia and Nick came in before shift the next day since they had that interview. When they came out Fin was at his desk but Amanda's was still empty. Liv shot Fin a look and could tell he was nervous once she caught his eye. She was still just minutes late but they were all prompt people, well maybe with the exception of Munch, so even minutes counted. She saw Fin dial his phone. She got interrupted by a question from Nick and when she turned back he had put his phone down. Seemed Amanda wasn't reachable by phone. Liv got a phone call and got occupied for a bit. A little bit later Cragen came out of his office to check in with his people. –Where's Rollins? The captain asked once he realized she wasn't at her desk. –Not sure captain. Fin answered and got a stern look from Cragen. –You have witnesses in the Looney tune case coming in right? Fin nodded. –You need a second chair if she doesn't show? Fin shook his head.  
–I was thinking maybe I could swing by her place before… Cragen interrupted him. –No. Deal with the witnesses I'm sure she's just having car trouble or something. They all knew the state of her car. Fin wanted to push but knew the captain would get suspicious if he did. He could already feel Amaro looking at him with some interest.

An hour past with no sign of Rollins. The Looney tune witnesses came in and Fin would have to sit down with them soon. Liv could tell he was very anxious and she too was a bit worried that Amanda hadn't checked in. She caught him before he went in to take their statements. –We're going out soon. I'll make a stop at her place. She said quietly and his face got brighter in an instant. –Thanks Liv. Fifth floor. To the left all the way to the very end. Door on the right. She nodded at the directions and squeezed his arm. –I'm sure she's fine. She said and he gave her a smile before he had to go. Even though they had plenty of time before they were meeting a witness at his work she grabbed Nick right off the bat and told him they would head out. He looked a little bit puzzled but got his jacket and followed her without saying anything. They took Liv's car and left the station. As they drove over the bridge to Queens Liv told him she was just going to make a quick detour. He managed to stay quiet for the rest of the length of the bridge, which wasn't that long though, but once they got off he had to ask.

–Does this detour have anything to do with Amanda? Liv shot him a quick glance before she had to focus back on the traffic a head of them. She thought about it and then gave him a 'Yeah'. –What's going on? He followed up with and got another quick look from her. She hesitated. –It's personal okay. I'm sure she's fine but Fin's worried and we're just gonna stop by her place to make sure. They drove under silence for a while. –I'm sorry Nick but if it was about you I'm sure you'd like me to keep it private. She gave him a sympathetic smile and he nodded as he saw her point. Of course he'd like her to keep his private things private. But he still was curious to hell what was up with Rollins.

Liv parked in the same spot as two nights ago. She had planned to go up there herself but she didn't feel like stopping Nick as he too got his belt buckle off and stepped out. He probably already felt left out so she figured it wouldn't hurt to just have him tag along. She wasn't even expecting Amanda to be home, the car trouble sounded like a most likely reason for her absence. They walked across the street and Liv checked her front door. It was locked. She pushed Rollins buzzer and then waited. No answer. She tried one more time. She got her phone up and tried calling her. Maybe she'd answer if she saw her name on the screen and not Fin's. No such luck. –What you wanna do? Nick said and looked at her as she put away her phone. Liv looked down the street as she thought about it. She turned back to the front door. –I wanna go up. She tried another buzzer.

After the third try she finally got an answer. It sounded like an old lady but could have been an old man too. –Yes? –Hi my name is detective Benson. Could you let me in so I can check on one of your neighbors? –How do I know you really are a detective? –I could show you my badge if you could come down here. There was a pause. –Are you going to bust in on those darn punksters on the second floor? The voice came back saying. Liv smiled at Nick. –Maybe. She answered. Another slight pause and then they got buzzed in. Even Nick had to smile at that.

They rode up to the fifth floor and Liv knew which way to turn. They walked down the corridor. Nick thought he heard a sound and looked behind them. As he was turning his head back he saw Liv go for her gun and he immediately reached for his own. No one else was in the corridor though and he didn't really know why she went for her gun. She kept walking along the wall and he followed. He soon saw what she had seen. The door on the right at the very end was slightly open. A piece of wood busted on the case. Liv signaled she would go in first. He kept his back to the wall as she slowly pushed the door open.  
–Amanda? She tried with a raised voice. She peeked inside. –Amanda, are you in here? Nick had a peek too. There was an opening to their left. Liv stepped into the hallway. They saw one of Amanda's boots kicked to the wall. They could see the other one further into the apartment.

–Amanda? Liv tried again but still got no answer. Nick stepped in after her. Except for the boots nothing looked very out of place. The light from the large windows and the sparse decor made it easy for them to clear the room. Liv gestured for Nick to have a look into the kitchen that they could see to the right once inside her apartment. He went over there and could just as easily clear it. He came back out and she hinted with her head she was heading over to the other door. He followed her from the other side of the couch. They both spotted the blood splatter on the floor about a yard from the bedroom door. Not much but still blood. The door wasn't completely shut. –Amanda? She called out again hoping they would just surprise her in the shower. The blood on the floor having some natural explanation. Nick saw Liv take a breath before she slowly pushed the door open to Amanda's bedroom.

The minute she saw Amanda's body on the floor she lost all detective skills. Nick, who couldn't see what she saw, just saw her eyes grew wide and then she rushed into the room. He followed as soon as he grasped she actually ran inside. Amanda was on her back, arms and legs spread out around her. She wore a t-shirt on top but her lower part was completely bare. Liv charged down to the limp body on the floor as Nick came inside. He still had his gun raised and he went for the bathroom to clear it. Amanda had clearly been attacked by someone and that someone could still be in there he knew. Liv was making all these sounds letting him know she was distressed. She called Amanda's name and tried to get contact with her. Nick cleared the bathroom and then stepped over Amanda's legs as he went over to the closet to make sure no one was hiding in there. He checked behind the gigantic bed too.

–I can't get her to respond Nick. Liv yelled franticly. –She's not cold but I can't find a pulse. I don't think she has a pulse Nick. Liv screamed. Nick put his gun back in his holster as he went down on the other side of Amanda's body. She looked roughed up. Not roughed up enough to be unconscious though. Nick put his hand on her cheek and could tell she wasn't cold. He went down to her neck to check for a pulse. –I can feel it. He quickly said. –It's faint though. Get a buss Liv. He bent down to listen to her breathing. He had his ear close to her mouth and eyes down to see if her chest was rising. This also meant he was staring down at her exposed body. 'Had she been raped?' flew through his mind. The bed had looked roughed up, pillows thrown around. Liv meanwhile got her phone up and dialed 911. Nick put one hand at her jaw and went to put the other one on her head to get her airways cleared to give her mouth to mouth since he couldn't feel her breathing. His hand slipped down through her hair and as he pulled it up he could feel that familiar sticky feeling on his fingers.  
–Oh my god. Liv whispered as she saw the blood.

He carefully moved her head a bit and through her blonde strands they could see a pool of blood just underneath her head and the pool continued downwards underneath her body. Nick felt horror going through his body but he wasn't ready to give up on her. She had a penetrating wound but they hadn't seen any weapon. He felt the back of her head and felt the big lump. –No bullet hole. He told Liv who was eyeing them with the same horror he'd just felt. –I think she's hit her head on something or someone hit her in the back of the head with something. He wiped the blood of his hand on his pant leg and then moved to continued getting her airways cleared. He got her head in the right position and then went down to cover her mouth with his own. He breathed air into her lungs and then went up for air before he repeated the procedure. Liv had gotten through to the emergency service and gave them the code for officer down and then the address. She told them what little they knew about her injuries and as any distressed person Liv ended with 'and hurry' before she put down her phone. She watched Nick give Amanda another breath. Then she carefully pulled her top down as much as possible so to hide her private parts. Nick looked up at Liv through breaths. There wasn't anything either one of them could say.

Liv's panic seemed to have succumbed but instead she seemed to be slipping into shock. Nick could only concentrate on one fellow detective right now. –Liv? Maybe you should go down and meet the buss? Get them up here faster? He told her in between breaths and she nodded. –Yes. I'll do that. She whispered.  
–You'll keep her alive? She asked and he nodded once he went back up for air. He saw her get up, her gun still on the floor. She got out of there quickly and Nick went back to what he was doing. She still had a heartbeat. He'd keep her breathing. She would pull through this. She had to. This surely had something to do with the 'personal' Liv had mentioned in the car. Nothing was ever personal he thought to himself as he looked down her face. She looked like she was sleeping very peacefully. But then there was the blood he'd smeared on her face. Her blood that he'd smeared on her face while trying to breathe life into her. He gave her another breath as something crossed his mind. Zara's favorite saga. He looked down into Amanda's face and whispered: -Please be Sleeping Beauty.


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry about all the Wes Anderson references but I'm a huge fan. I absolutely adore his movies. **  
**Okay this chapter became a bit too long but it felt like it needed to stay together so whatever. My story got longer than I thought it would be. I hope you're hanging in there. I got most of it down on my computer now, I'm proofreading it as fast as I can and getting it cut in to chapters. I'll be back and meanwhile... happy reading!**

**XXX**

On her way down to meet the ambulance Liv tried to get a hold of Fin. He didn't answer since he sat in interview and he missed the buzzing on his belt for some reason. Liv called Cragen instead who pulled Fin out and the two made a very nerve wrecking car ride over to Amanda's apartment. No one said anything and Cragen drove faster than he'd driven in a very long time. Driving that fast made him need to focus on the traffic a 100% which suited him fine right there and then. Fin on the other hand did nothing but think of Amanda and how he should have prevented this from happening. As they got closer to her apartment he was ready to burst and hit the roof of the car with his fist a couple of times to release some tension. They drove up just as the paramedics came down with Amanda on a stretcher. Fin rushed to her side. She was hidden below a mask and numerous lines. Her forehead taped to pads beside her head to secure her neck. Her eyes were closed. She was so pale he thought and he could see blood smeared on her white skin.

He grabbed her arm carefully and squeezed as hard as he dared to. He walked along the stretcher until they reached the buss where he stepped off to not be in the way. –Where are you taking her? He asked one of the paramedics. –Queens. He got a short but sufficient answer. –She'll make it right? It was a weird question for him to ask, he usually didn't show his emotions so bluntly. It was out of character and he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer. Unfortunately he didn't get any spoken answer at all. He just got a look from the paramedic, a look that said 'I can't promise you that'. The back doors slammed shut, the ambulance drove off and Fin was left with the most devastating feeling in his gut.

Fin turned around and met the eyes of his coworkers. Cragen, Nick and Olivia were gathered on the sidewalk. A sidewalk that now was busy with officers and crime scene investigators making their way in and out of the building. Fin walked over to them. He immediately saw the blood on Nick's pants. And all over his hands too. Cragen followed Fin's eyes and as he too saw the blood covering the young detective he quickly handed him the handkerchief he always kept in his inner pocket. Nick took it and tried to get the blood off his hands. Olivia couldn't stop looking at Fin. Her eyes were tear filled and she felt lightheaded.  
–She has a head wound. Lost some blood. Looks like she's been down for quite some time. Cragen told Fin who still kept his eyes on the blood on Nick's hands. Cragen had lied. She'd lost _a lot_ of blood. –She still has a pulse though and Nick gave her air. Cragen put a 'good job' hand on Nick's shoulder. Fin managed to look up at his captain. He then turned his head to Olivia. He wondered if he too looked as scared as she did. When Fin met her eye Liv felt a tear slip down her cheek. She wiped it quickly and swallowed. She felt like giving Fin a hug but she was unable to move at the moment.

–You did everything you could. You did a good job. She heard Cragen say. –She'll pull through and we're gonna get whoever did this to her. –We know who did it. Liv whispered. –What? Cragen hadn't heard her but Nick had and things started to fall into place about the last day's strange behavior in the squad room. Liv turned her head to Cragen and repeated what she'd just said but with a firmer voice. –What are you telling me? Cragen looked at her with interrogating eyes. –We don't know his name but we have a photo of him. Amanda knows who it is but she won't tell us. She was assaulted Tuesday night. Brought into the emergency room unconscious. We got the call after they found her badge. She woke up before we got there, refused treatment. We talked to the people who brought her in. They spooked a guy from the scene. He'd beaten her and would have raped her if they hadn't gotten there. We got the footage from a street camera, Fin showed her the photo but she still wouldn't tell us. Liv was surprised that she was able to talk so strongly and coherent. She didn't feel like that at all. While she spoke Cragen's face had grown flushed. She knew him well enough by now to know he was very angry. And rightfully so.

–And you didn't bring this to me? He asked between clinched teeth. Liv shook her head. –She didn't want to report it. We didn't know what to do. –And now she might die. You should have known better. You're both senior detectives. How many cases haven't you worked where the victim didn't want to report a crime and she ends up dead? You… He was fuming but Nick still dared to interrupt him. –With all due respect sir I don't think there's anything you can say right now that they aren't thinking already. Nick bit his tongue with that and kept his eyes on the captain ready to take any heat that might come his way. But Cragen just looked at him and then finally nodded. –You're right Nick. Let's focus on Amanda right now. We have a photo then and I'm sure she'll give us something else to go on. She's not the kind of girl that gives up without a fight. I'm gonna go to the hospital. Do you want to ride with me Fin? The senior detective managed to nod at the offer. –What do you want to do? Do you want to come along too? Cragen turned to the other two. Liv seemed unable to speak so Nick did. –I want to have a look on something I saw up there. I'll drive over afterwards. Do you want to come with me Olivia? He turned to her and got a nod. –Okay then. I'll see you a little later then. Common Fin.

Cragen turned to leave and Fin started to but Olivia stopped him by throwing her arms around the big man. She buried her face into his strong chest and held on to him for dear life. Fin managed to get his arms around her waist and tried to invest as much in the hug as she did. He felt numb though. Unable to give a 100 % on anything right now. She felt his arms though and it was all she needed right now. If Amanda didn't pull through though she'd need more than anyone could give her. But she couldn't think like that right now. –I'll see you in a little while. She whispered, let go of him and immediately walked over to the front door of Amanda's apartment building. Nick hurried after her. Fin turned to Cragen who was waiting just yards away. They got in the car and drove to the nearest emergency room. On the drive over Cragen got Fin to tell him what they knew so far about Amanda's attacker. At the hospital they were in for a long wait until they got the final verdict on Amanda's state. All they got meanwhile from passing nurses was 'her heart is still beating' or 'she's a fighter'. Fin already knew that last part.

Olivia and Nick went back up to the fifth floor. An officer was guarding the door but let them in without them having to flash their badges. He knew their faces. Two crime scene investigators were going through the apartment. The first one was aided by an officer and working on prints on the door case. They went into the bedroom where they found the other one. A flash went off just as they entered and Liv saw the light hit the blood pool on the floor. Amanda's blood. A bigger pool where her head had been and then smeared out down her back. Liv got a flashback to when the paramedics with the help of Nick had lifted her over to the stretcher. She'd been paralyzed by the door right where she was standing now. Amanda's bloodstained hair had been dangling underneath her. A single drop gone down a strand and back to join the puddle on the floor. Like it longed for its peers. –Olivia? Nick said carefully so not to spook her. He could tell she'd drifted off in her thoughts. Liv looked up and gave him a misplaced smile. It disappeared quickly. She'd missed Nick's question to the investigator but now heard the answer.

–I think she hit her head here. The man pointed to a spot on the footboard. Nick could see the blood and it fitted with her body placement. –Anything to go on? Nick asked and got a nod in return. –My partner have fingerprints all over the door and I think I have some on the footboard that's too large to be the victims. Nick could tell by the material the investigator had put out below the bed he was testing for other things too. –Semen? Nick asked with a lowered voice. The investigator nodded. –Fresh? It felt weird to ask. He didn't know anything about Amanda's sex life, nor was it his business, but it was a question he was used to asking. The investigator nodded again. Olivia had finally been able to move from her spot by the door and took a closer look on the footboard. Nick moved towards the closet meanwhile. That's where he thought he saw something earlier. He still had Cragen's handkerchief in his hand and he used it now to push the door open. He figured he must have closed it after he'd cleared the closet not long ago. He wasn't sure. Things had been hectic to say the least. He saw what he was after and got Olivia's attention.

–Look at this. He said. –A lock on the closet. Liv thought and said out loud. –On the inside. He specified. –And down here. He pointed. –Another one. Liv said. –She had double chains on the door. The investigator filled in. Nick had slipped inside and came out carrying a bag and a water bottle as Olivia approached.  
–A survival kit. Water. He said and held it up for her. –It's like a panic room home edition. Nick thought out loud. –And I don't think it's made for neither earth quakes nor tornados. He added. Liv nodded. –We figured she knew him from before. Liv said and then both of them went silent as they got lost in their own thoughts about who this man could be. An abusive former boyfriend was the most likely scenario but Liv wasn't sure it was that simple.

By the time the doctor finally came out to talk to them Liv and Nick had arrived at the hospital too. It had been a long and nerve wrecking wait for Fin and Cragen. Pacing the corridor, the waiting room being too small and clustered for Fin to bare. All four of them eagerly met the doctor as soon as it was obvious he was coming to them with information. He wore green scrubs. Blood stained on his front and some on his sleeves were the gloves had ended. -I can't tell you yet if she'll pull through or not. She has a serious head injury. He went on to give them the medical mumbo jumbo that none of them fully grasped except for the 'her brain is swollen', that they might have to drill into her skull and that any of it wasn't good. -We have her in a drug induced coma. We're helping her breath. The next 24 hours will be critical. We won't know until she wakes up if she got permanent brain damage or not. The doctor had let his eyes wonder to and from each of them and now landed on Cragen who was the first to ask a question.

-I should call her parents? Get them here? The doctor nodded in agreement. -How about sexual assault? Liv had to ask. The doctor turned his head to her and nodded. -We haven't done a rape kit yet but she got injuries, contusions starting to show on her inner thighs that would indicate a sexual assault. You want us to do a rape kit or are you sending over one of your teams? Liv turned her head to Cragen expecting him to make the decision. -We need DNA. I'll get a forensic unit over. We need to do nails and everything. You haven't cleaned her right? The doctor shook his head. Cragen just nodded. -Any other injuries? Liv asked. -Well it looks like she got some old injuries... Liv interrupted him by nodding. -She was attacked three days ago. Lacerations on arms, back and face. Bruised knuckles. It was the doctors time to nod. -Yeah. That explains it. No to be honest she's in, no disrespect intended, good condition. There's the contusions on her lower parts, some around her upper arms and wrists and around her neck but then there's nothing else than what looks like one big blow to the back of her head. -She hit the footboard. Nick told him. The doctor just looked at him, having his theory but knowing not to give it to the police until he was asked for it.

-Can you tell us when she got attacked? Cragen asked. -Not exactly. Not my expertise but she'd been down a while. Seeing how she wasn't breathing on her own you found her in the nick of time. -Can we see her? Liv asked. The doctor gave Cragen a look before he went back to Olivia. -She's still in ICU I'm not sure you should... -Please, we'll be quick. I just want to see her. She couldn't explain it but she felt a need to see her. The doctor looked to Cragen again who gave him a nod. -Okay. But just a short visit. We need to get her upstairs, she needs all the peace and quiet she can get right now. The doctor took the lead to go back in. Liv, Nick and Cragen came right behind him but Liv stopped as soon as she realized Fin wasn't following. He'd been quiet since she got there. She'd never seen him so frail before. She took a step back to him. -You wanna wait outside? She asked and got him to look at her. He looked lost. When he didn't answer she walked all the way back to him and gently grabbed him by the arm. -Common let's go see her before we nail this bastard. She said and pulled him with her. Nick and Cragen let them pass and they all followed the doctor to the room Amanda had been brought to when she first was rolled in.

There were still a few nurses in there and the doctor waved at them to step aside for just a while. One of the nurses quickly pulled the sheet up which was only covering her lower regions. They had cut the top of her once she arrived and she was completely nude. -Don't take too long. The doctor said and then left them. Liv was the first one who stepped forward. She'd let Fin go. The florescent light made Amanda's skin even paler and the blood even more evident. The black and white tiles underneath the table she was on was soaked in blood. Her head was bundled up with white gauze. A tube went down her throat and was connected to a breathing machine. It was making a wheezing sound every time it went up and then a sighing sound when it went down again. Amanda's chest raised with every sighing. Another machine was attached to her chest and to one of her fingers and were beeping with what Liv figured was her heartbeat. She had wires connected to her arms too. It didn't look good at all. Liv had reached her table and just very carefully placed her palm over her bare shoulder. She could now see the contusions forming on her arms and neck. She hadn't seen them at the apartment. She'd seen the ones on her thighs though. She'd seen those too many times already. And she recognized the ones now slowly getting more prominent on her upper body. Someone had held her down, someone had put his hand around her throat and squeezed.

Liv bent forward. -Hang in there Amanda. Be strong. Just keep fighting okay? She whispered and felt her own voice quiver. Nick and Cragen stepped up on the other side of the table. Liv stood up again and removed her hand. Cragen warily touched her forehead and let his hand slide down to her cheek.  
-Hey Amanda. This is your captain speaking. You better hang in there you hear. You hang in there. He removed his hand and quickly went over to the door since he felt emotions taking over that he was afraid he couldn't stop if he kept looking at his injured detective. Nick stepped up and just touched her face briefly. He didn't know what to say. She looked if possible even worse than when they found her in her bedroom. The memory of himself blowing air into her came rushing back. He hoped it had helped in some way. Liv turned to look at Fin who lingered a few steps behind her. She reached her hand out to get him to step forward. He did so after some slight hesitation. Nick stepped away as Liv got her arm around Fin and helped him take that last step up to Amanda's table. Liv felt a tear go down her cheek but she didn't care to wipe it away this time. Fin just stared down Amanda's face.

A nurse in her 50s stepped up on the other side of the table. Liv looked up at her and got a comforting smile from her. -She's resting peacefully right now. The nurse said with a soft voice. -She was in distress when she got in here but we've given her plenty of pain medicine so she's resting now. The nurse held her hand over Amanda's breathing tube. -We're giving her air and helping her breath so she doesn't have to bother with that right now. She can focus on healing. The nurse moved her hand down to her chest and both Liv and Fin followed her hand with their eyes. -Her heartbeat and blood pressure are just perfect. She moved her hand to Amanda's arm and continued. -She's getting new blood into her system and a solution with antibiotics and nutrition to keep her strong. The nurse moved her hand up to Amanda's head again and slowly stroked her forehead. -It's her head that's a concern right now. But we think that the swelling of her brain has stopped. She kept herself alive for many hours which indicates she's a fearless fighter and we're doing everything in our power to help her through this battle. The nurse put her hands down to her sides again.

Liv gave her a thankful nod. She wanted to thank her but couldn't trust her own voice. She felt overwhelmed and had to get out of there. She rushed passed Cragen as she went out the doors. Nick went after her while Cragen waited for Fin. -She won't break. The nurse said softly to Fin before she too removed herself from the table. He hated feeling powerless and that's how he felt right now. He leaned forward and placed his lips on her forehead at the same time as he placed his soft hand on her arm. Then he put his own forehead against hers and just took a few deep breaths. -Don't you give up on me you hear? He whispered. -Don't you dare give up on me. He stood up again and looked at her for a while. Then he turned and walked over to Cragen. -We need to put detail on her. He might come back for her. He said with a all business voice and Cragen nodded as they both headed out of there.


	11. Chapter 11

They all regrouped at the station a little later. Munch joined them too and Cragen left him in charge to organize them seeing how he himself needed to get a hold of Amanda's parents. He trusted Munch to be able to keep his head cool at this trying time. When one of their own got hurt it was always hard to put feelings aside and put your best effort in but that's what they needed to do right now. As Cragen went into his office to get a hold of Amanda's next of kin Munch went around the room to make sure everyone was okay. Nick and Fin seemed collected enough but Olivia felt anxious and Munch knew to tread lightly until she had time to put herself together. They all knew they needed everything they could get from the crime scene and as things were they could only hope Amanda would give them evidence enough to track the son of a bitch that had done this to her. It would take some time though and right now neither of them really felt like just hanging around until they got the results.

Cragen got a hold of Amanda's mother and informed her about her daughters' condition. He didn't go in to the harsh details over the phone but told her she had sustained a bad head injury and she needed to come to New York as soon as possible. Since Amanda's parents were divorced he asked her if she wanted him to call her father but the mother said she would take care of it. They would both arrive as soon as they could. She would let him know when they would arrive and he'd make sure someone picked them up at the airport. Cragen promised he would call if anything changed in Amanda's condition. Amanda's mom had of course been shocked by the call but managed to keep her composure. Cragen had done worse calls in his life but it was still draining. Especially since he knew there was still plenty he had to inform her parents about once they got there.

He went back out to find that Munch had done a good job getting them started on the mission ahead. They had started a case file up on a board. The photo of the suspect was up there and they had sent it out to every police squad in the state for everyone to keep a look out for him. During the night they would get the result of the crime scene investigation and from the forensic analyze on Amanda's body. Semen was found on the bed and later also inside of Amanda which confirmed she had been raped. She had managed to scratch her offender so DNA was found under her fingernails as well. Unfortunately they got no hits on the DNA in CODIS. They did however get two hits on the fingerprints lifted from the apartment. One was from a crime scene in Druid Hills, Georgia back in 1997, a store robbery with a deadly outcome. The other one from a break-in in Scottdale, Georgia 2003. The fingerprints went to an unknown assailant though. But now they at least knew this probably originated in Atlanta and Cragen put in a call to her former employer.

The night passed by way too slowly and with way too little to go on. Cragen, Olivia and Fin all interviewed Amanda's former employers and co-workers over the phone during the evening and well into the night. They found no former abusive boyfriends, they actually found almost no boyfriends at all. There was one, a fellow policeman who worked narcotics in Atlanta, that she had gone out with and Liv got to talk to him. He had been very fond of Amanda she learnt but he'd always felt as though she had some wall up and Amanda had ended it when he wanted to take it to another level. He couldn't tell Olivia much about anything really, Amanda had never told him much about her upbringing or past relationships. And that was what they got from everyone basically. She was thought of as a very good partner and detective, very driven and successful in the tasks she set out for but no one had any personal information to pass on about her. She was just very anonymous it seemed. And the name Jade didn't ring a bell for anyone.

Cragen talked to Amanda's former captain, Sam Reynolds, that he had known for many years and who was the one that first got in contact with Cragen about transferring Amanda to his squad. That's when he learnt the real reason behind Amanda's need to leave her former squad. Apparently her deputy chief had under the influence started to act inappropriate with her at a police benefit event. It had ended with an assault in one of the locker rooms at the sports arena where the event was held. Amanda had clocked him and as she tried to flee the scene she'd run into her captain who had managed to get her to tell him what had happen. She didn't say much about the actual assault but mostly been afraid that she had hurt him badly. The deputy chief was fine. He needed a good sobering up though.

Sam confessed to Cragen he'd acted all wrong when not writing the deputy chief up. But Amanda had begged him not to. Said she was fine although she'd sported bruises already visible that evening. The deputy chief had been very apologetic and confessed everything he could remember to the captain a few days later. The versions varied quite a lot. Amanda had downplayed it plenty while the other one sounded like a serious rape attempt. Sam had seen to it that the deputy chief dealt with his issues but Amanda had refused any kind of counseling. It had been obvious to him though she wasn't doing well having to see the man that assaulted her every day and take orders from him and since she'd already reached a glass ceiling in his squad he talked to her about a transfer. She'd been very positive to this. Cragen wasn't happy to hear how his old friend had handled this but couldn't really deal with that right now. He had more important things to focus on.

Cragen wasn't sure how to handle this information but called Liv and Fin into his office. He decided to let them know. –So could he be the perpetrator? Liv asked once Cragen had told them what he just learnt. Cragen shook his head. –Probability says no. Captain Reynolds had eyes on him two days ago which means he can't have attacked her in that alley. And he is not the man in the photo. Reynolds would look into making sure he was still in the state so we can definitely cross him off our list of suspects for this last assault. –He's not the guy. But it shows a pattern for her. Fin said. Liv and Cragen looked at him.  
–She gets assaulted but doesn't want to report it. It's a pattern. –But why? Liv had to ask. –That's for us to find out. This guy must have something on her. Maybe he has some leverage on her? I don't know but something is preventing her from turning this guy in. And having her deputy chief accused may set something in motion that would have complications on the rest? –If he's a cop? Liv suggested. Cragen shook his head –We sent the photo to Atlanta. No one there recognized him either. If he was a cop they would surely do so. –An informant? Liv tried. –Same thing. A cop would identify him. Cragen replied.

-What about her injuries? Liv said and got both men's eyes on her. –I don't think he wanted to kill her. Sure he did push at her throat but not hard enough so it would kill her. I think the blow to the head was accidental. –You're not suggesting she was up for it are you? Cragen asked. Liv shook her head firmly.  
–No. Absolutely not. But I think she fell or there was a struggle as she tried to get up, or get away afterwards. He was more violent in the alley. That time he looked agitated. This time he broke her door down, sure he made her shed some blood before she reached the bedroom but it could have been caused by the door and then he basically just pins her down. –So the rape was primary. Fin said quietly. –I think so. He didn't have a weapon in the alley and none that we know of in her apartment. But he did go through her phone in the alley which also indicates he's looking for something. Nothing in the apartment was disturbed though but he might not have had time to if he freaked after she hit her head. Liv stopped talking.

She could tell Fin was thinking hard and when he got nowhere he got frustrated. Cragen decided it was time to call it a quits for the night. They all needed sleep. They needed to be at their best. He wanted Liv to take the interview with the parents as soon as possible. They would arrive with the early morning flight and be taken straight to the hospital to visit their daughter. Hopefully they would have some insight on whatever it was that was going on. And by the morning Cragen hoped some things would have stirred that would lead them further along in catching the perpetrator. He needed to be taken off the streets yesterday. All but Fin went home for a few hours of sleep if possible. Fin drove over to the hospital and camped out in a chair in Amanda's room. Her condition hadn't changed. Not better but not worse either. The machines kept beeping and her pump sighing. They had cleaned her up and dressed her but she still looked miserable. Nurses came in every half hour to check on her. Fin managed to sleep through some of those visits but he mostly woke up as they entered. She had a guard outside her door but Fin still was afraid that the man would come back to finish off what he started. Maybe he hadn't tried to kill her before but his MO could change now that the truth was out. Not a risk Fin would take.

Fin's detective skills got beaten by fatigue finally though and he slept for almost two hours straight. He woke up as a nurse was hunched over Amanda and he sat up in his chair. –How is she? He asked and made her jump a bit. The nurse still just smiled at him though and said: -She's been stable through the night. The doctor thinks she's going to wake up. It's the possibility that the lack of oxygen have given her permanent brain injury that's our biggest concern right now. He thanked her as she left and Fin looked at his watch. It was almost 7:30 am. Amanda's parents would arrive soon. He did not want to be the first one to meet them and have to answer any questions they might have. He walked up to her bed and placed his hand gently on her bandaged head.  
–I hope you had a good nights sleep. God knows I didn't thanks to you. He said with a smile that soon vanished. She looked so broken. –If you can hear me I want you to promise me to fight this. Come back you hear. He took a pause. –You have to come back to me.


	12. Chapter 12

**Just a quick note to say thanks for the reviews I **_**have**_** gotten. It's nice to know what you think. Much appreciated. And now I won't be afraid to post long chapters if I feel the need to :) **

**XXX**

When Fin got back to the station everyone was already there. No one looked very well rested though. Liv caught him as he came in and asked him how he was doing. He didn't know how to answer that and just gave her a smile. He knew she meant well. There had been no development over the night as Cragen had hoped. The only thing was that Amanda's old boyfriend from narcotics had called Liv on her voicemail and said that two of his coworkers had thought they recognized the man in the photo but couldn't name him. They would bring the photo out on the street with them though and ask around. He thought it must be someone they knew from the drug circuit. He just wanted to let her know in case it could help in any way and he would call back if they got anything. If this would turn out to be solid that meant the suspect probably originated from Atlanta and was associated with the drug circuit in one way or another. Didn't seem like someone Amanda would hang around but they all knew drugs could sneak up on the best.

Since Fin now knew that Amanda had a sister - Justine, born five years prior to Amanda - he decided to tell the rest of them that he thought that Amanda once mentioned that her sister was involved with either, or both, drugs and had mental issues. She could be a link to the drug lead or at least have some insight that would help them. Cragen didn't know whether or not the parents were bringing the sister but they would soon find out since the parents would be in for their interview after they had some time with their daughter at the hospital.

When they did a search on the sister they got a bit of history. She had some minor misdemeanors from the age 22 and up. Petty theft, disorderly conduct, public intoxication and reckless driving. She'd gotten off with probation mostly. Done some community service and one stint in rehab after the second public intoxication arrest. She no longer had a valid driver's license. Nothing for the last five years though. She was registered as a student at Columbus State University at the age of 18 but it didn't look as though she had graduated. After that she had many different addresses, mostly near and around Atlanta. Then four years ago she did a jump to Nashville, Kentucky and then to Knoxville but right now she had no known address. Her mail went to a PO Box in Atlanta. They decided to wait until the parents got there, hopefully with the sister in tow.

They were all starting to feel very frustrated that they didn't get anywhere. Even Nick had a hard time hiding it. Seeing how this was personal to them Cragen got he wouldn't get them to work other cases until they got Amanda's attacker. He'd managed to talk Munch into taking over some cases meanwhile though. They had some that just couldn't wait but Cragen knew they would be dealt with in Munch's hands. They had to wait until close to noon before Amanda's parents finally came in. Amanda's mother had been unwilling to leave her daughters side. Cragen had offered to get his detectives over to the hospital to interview them but she had told him he just had to wait. Her daughter needed her. He couldn't argue with that even though he felt as though it wasn't really true. Amanda needed her three days ago and then again one night ago. Now she needed peace and quiet and for them to catch this bastard.

Liv was the first one who spotted them as they entered the squad room. Of course she knew who they were expecting but she felt as though she would have recognized them anyway. Amanda was a spitting image of her mother Bonnie. Sure the mother was almost 30 years her age but she'd aged rather well. She had the same light skin tone, blonde hair, blue eyes, button nose and thin lips. The mother's eyes seemed to be further apart though and her pointy cheekbones slightly more visible. Her skin had lost some of the bounce and shimmer Amanda's still had. She was slimmed build just as Amanda and about the same height. She wore clothes that gave away her age, wore little make-up and had a haircut that didn't seem to need much effort. It could all just be the stressful time she was experience though. She held her purse close to her body and the way she held herself made her seem on edge. She kept her distance to Amanda's father.

He had the same manner. Seemed on edge and kept sweeping his eyes back and forth around the room. He had white clean-cut hair covered by a baseball cap. His jaw and upper lip dressed with well trimmed white straws. He looked kind for some reason but also wore sadness. Amanda didn't have a chance to grow tall, he was just an inch taller than the mother. He was medium sized with some weight around his waist. He wore leisure clothes. Seemed out of place for some reason. They both did and Liv hurried over to them. They were escorted by a uniform whom Liv recognized and she smiled at him as she saw him point to Liv and gestured for them to step inside. –Mr and mrs Rollins? Hi I'm Olivia Benson. She saw Jack Rollins remove his baseball cap in a polite manner. –Bonnie Rollins. Not mrs any longer. Amanda's mother said as she with some hesitation reached out and met Liv's extended hand. –Oh of course. Liv shook her hand with a smile. Bonnie's voice was nothing like Amanda's. It was higher pitched and more shrilling. Her southern accent prominent. And her handshake cold and loose. She seemed as a very reserved person.

Liv let her go and turned to Amanda's father. She took his extended hand. It was more solid and with some moist. His eyes kept stirring, had a hard time staying on Liv as they made their introductions. He said his name but she could barely hear him. She already knew his name was Jack though. He seemed very, _very_ nervous. –I work with Amanda. I'm a detective too. I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances. Liv smiled at them. She could hear someone coming up behind her and soon heard her captain's voice. –Mr & mrs Rollins. Hi I'm Captain Donald Cragen, we spoke on the phone. He extended his hand to the mother. Liv wondered if she would give him the same little speech. –Bonnie. Please call me Bonnie. She just said as she took Cragen's hand, again with some hesitation. She seemed as though she wanted to hold on to her purse more than shake anyone's hand. Cragen shook hands with Jack too. –You had as good as a visit you could with your daughter at the hospital? He asked and got two nods. -Please come inside. This way. He gestured to them and led the way through the squad room. –This is detective Nick Amaro. He said as they came up to the detective's desk. Nick was already standing and he shook hands with the two.

-You're going to sit down with Olivia and Nick. They have a few questions for you. And of course try and answer whatever questions you might have. Cragen told the parents and then continued the walk over to the interview room by his office. He stopped outside the door though and looked around. He was searching the room for Fin and found him lingering in the doorway to the break room. A coffee mug in his hand. He had tried to keep out of sight, felt for some reason scared to meet her parents. –Hey Fin. Cragen shouted and waved at him to come over. Fin came across the room. –Bonnie. Jack. This is detective Tutuola. Fin. He and Amanda are partners. It didn't go unnoticed by any of the detectives that the parents were surprised by their daughter's partner. They got a look on their faces that signaled something like fear. For a short while it looked like the mother's eyes would pop out. Jack Rollins tried to cover his surprise with a smile but didn't do so well. Although it was the first time he'd smiled so maybe that's what his smile looked like.

It wasn't the first time Liv had seen that reaction to Fin's appearance. It wasn't just the way he looked but the way he carried himself. He carried himself proud but for many people that was threatening. She wondered what approach he would take, she'd seen many different approaches during the years. She was happy to see though that he just backed off once he'd made his introductions. He knew this wasn't the time to make a statement. –Can we get you anything? Coffee? Tea? Are you hungry? Cragen showered them with suggestions but they both just shook their heads. –Just water please. My mouth is kind of dry. The mother said. –I'll get it. Nick said quickly and rushed off to the break room. Cragen lead them inside the room. –Please have a seat over there. He gestured to the two seats on the opposite side of the table that had a centre point of the room. This was of course because he was planning to look in on the interview from his office and preferred to see their faces during. The parent's went around the table and sat down. Bonnie put her purse in her knee and kept holding on to it for dear life.

Liv put the unmarked file, carrying only the photo of the unknown alley attacker, down on the table where she was planning to sit. She went to grab a piece of paper and a pen from the bookshelf by the door and when she came back she had a seat. –So I'm getting updates from the hospital every half hour as requested and if there's any change I promise I'll be in to let you know. Cragen told the parents. –Thank you very much. This won't take long though will it? I want to go back to her soon. Bonnie said with a deep concern both in her voice and on her face. She looked from Cragen to Olivia. –We'll try and keep it as short as possible but we really need your help. We don't have much to go on and we really, really want to get whoever did this to your daughter. Liv said and the mother nodded. –Yes of course. But I don't know how much help we will be. She said quietly. Liv gave her a smile. –Trust us. We do this for a living. Sometimes people don't know how valuable the information is that they are sitting on. She saw Bonnie give Jack a quick glance and wondered what that was about.

Nick came back in. He'd grabbed two bottles of water and two glasses. –Just in case you get thirsty too sir. He said and put a set down by Amanda's father. He twisted the cap of the other bottle and poured some water in the glass for the mother. –Thank you. She said and took a zip of water. Her hand was visibly shaking as she brought the glass up to her mouth. –I'll be next door then. Cragen said and closed the door behind him as he left. He went into his office and found Fin already by the window. –They seem overly jumpy. Cragen said as he came up by his side. –They are not fans of the big city. Amanda told me just the other day. Fin informed him without taking his eyes off them.

He was curious of them. Amanda's parents. He remembered her smile as they talked about them the other night. All she'd told him was that they didn't like the big city. They had no rap sheets what so ever either of them. Not even a ticket. Jack had been working for a plastic bottle manufacturer his entire adult life. Bonnie had been a dental hygienist, taken time off with her first child Justine and then been a stay at home mom until Amanda started preschool. Then she'd gone back working part time with the same dentist office as before. She was still with them. Bonnie and Jack were married two years prior to the birth of their first born. They divorced the same year Amanda went away to college. Fin wondered if they had only kept together for their kids. They seemed very alienated today.


	13. Chapter 13

Back in the room Nick had sat down too and placed his pad and pen in front of him. He was a much more taking notes kind of person than Olivia was. Seeing how Liv usually took the lead though it also made more sense he took notes while she talked. This was no exception.  
"So as I've already said I'm sorry we have to meet under these circumstances. We're very fond of Amanda and we're doing everything we can to get her perpetrator." Bonnie was listening closely to Liv but Jack seemed to be looking everywhere else than on the detective who was talking.  
"As my captain has told you Amanda was attacked in her apartment some time during the night Thursday. She sustained a heavy blow to her head while trying to fight this person off. What we haven't told you is that two nights prior she was attacked on her way home by what we think is the same man," Liv knew that the doctor hadn't told them anything about the rape yet. She knew she would have to disclose this but figured she would wait a while seeing how it might shock them and might make them even less talkative then they already were.

"When was the last time you talked to your daughter?" Liv asked and focused in on the mother since she was about to say something.  
"I talked to her Thursday. I tried Tuesday but she didn't pick up."  
"Okay. What time on Thursday?"  
"Around 3 pm."  
"Okay what did you talk about?"  
"I just asked how she was doing. She was stressed. Didn't have time to talk much. Had some case she was working on. We never talked about her job though. She knows it stresses me out." Liv just nodded.  
"So what did you talk about?" Liv could see the mother's eyes turn upwards as she tried to remember the last conversation she had with her daughter. So far she kept her composure. Liv had been afraid she would crack with the first question.  
"I asked if she was taking care of herself. If she was eating enough. She gets so wrapped up in things. I've never thought this job was good for her. She gets too involved. She forgets to take care of herself. She gets wrapped up in her own head. Just like her dad," she threw an angry look Jacks way but of course he had his eyes elsewhere.

"She didn't mention anything about feeling threaten?"  
"No. No I would have remembered that."  
"Nothing about running into someone from back home?" the mother shook her head but looked suspicious at Liv.  
"Did she? Run into someone from back home?" she asked.  
"We don't know. We think it's linked to Atlanta for some reasons I don't want to go into just yet. Let's just focus on the last time you spoke with your daughter." Liv had seen that look again, the one Bonnie had given Jack just before the interview. She felt the parent's knew something, the question was what.  
"Anything else you can remember about that phone call?"  
"No. It only lasted about ten minutes. She said she had to run out. I told her to be careful and she said the usual 'yes mom' and then we hung up."  
"And when did you try and call her Tuesday?"  
"It was later. Around eight at night."  
"And she didn't answer?" Bonnie shook her head.  
"Did you leave a message?"  
"Yes. I told her to call back if she was able to."  
"But you weren't worried when she didn't?"  
"I always worry but no, I know she can't call me every second of the day even if I'd want her to." Liv gave her a smile. She remembered a time when her own mother too had voiced concern about her work. It was just that one time though.

"Did you talk to your daughter often?" Liv asked.  
"At least once a week. It's always me who calls though. Rarely her."  
"Has she ever said anything about anyone threatening her or anything like that?" Bonnie shook her head.  
"No. I'm afraid I'm not the right person for that. As I said I worry too much. I'm afraid she wouldn't tell me something like that."  
"How about you sir? When did you last talk to your daughter?" she turned to Jack who finally met her eye and kept it for a couple of seconds before he looked down into the table. Bonnie had picked up her glass to drink some water but stopped just before she drank and said;  
"That one. He never calls her," and then she drank some water. Jack smiled nervously.  
"Had it been a while since you talked to your daughter sir?" Liv tried the soft approach to weight up the less so he got from the mother of his children. His eyes came up briefly and he said:  
"She called me last week. I was in the car. We talked only shortly." Liv was struck by how soft and appealing his voice sounded. It was beyond her how a man looking and sounding so gentle could come off as so unsecure and anxious. The mother seemed anxious too but still seemed to have a backbone.

"And she didn't say anything about feeling stalked or anything?" Liv tried and got a headshake as an answer from him. The mother made a grunting sound.  
"She would never tell him either," she said with some bite to it.  
"Then who would she tell? Her sister?" Liv turned back to the mother since she seemed to know the most. She got a sad look on her face though and then shook her head.  
"Friends?"  
"Well I know she kept in contact with a few from back home."  
"Can you give us some names?"  
"Sure. Sarah Clarke has been a friend since preschool. They still keep in touch. From college she has Kathryn Beckett who came from a neighboring town. And then there was a Lauren and a Bethany but I'm afraid I don't remember their last names. One of them are here in New York though, she said she met her for lunch a couple of weeks back. Bethany." They got a few more names of people she'd met in the police academy, all were people they had already talked to though.

"What about old boyfriends?" Liv saw Bonnie give Jack that glance again and was certain now that they kept something back. The previous spouses seemed so alienated but still seemed to be sharing a secret. It could just be the fact that their daughter was fighting for her life at a hospital nearby though Liv added to her thought.  
"Is that really appropriate?" Bonnie asked. It was Liv's turn to glance over at Nick. They both knew they had to deal with the full extent of the assault sooner or later. Liv drew a big breath and got to it:  
"I'm afraid it is because Amanda didn't just sustain a head injury two nights ago. She was also raped." The mother rapidly took a breath and then covered her mouth with her hand as her eyes looked like they would pop out again. The father just got, if possible, even paler but didn't move a muscle.  
"I'm so sorry to have to tell you that. Are you okay?" Liv tried a smile to Bonnie whose eyes now got back to normal and she looked down on the glass in front of her. Liv wasn't really sure what to do. Nick squirmed awkwardly in his chair.

"She had a boyfriend in high school but it ended kind of abruptly." Both Liv and Nick got surprised when Bonnie started talking. She still had her hand over her mouth but now put it down.  
"She did date a bit in college but I don't think there was anyone serious. She was very focused on her studies. I think she was rather serious with someone at the police station a couple of years ago. I don't know how, or why that ended though. I met him once. By a fluke. He was handsome. Polite. Nice eyes. I don't know why she didn't keep him around," Bonnie's voice had lost that high pitch. She sounded stunned and rightfully so.  
"Amanda has never been that boy hungry." Liv picked up on the glance Bonnie once more shot Jack and Liv got a sick feeling in her stomach. Did dad have something to do with Amanda's short list of boyfriends? Liv looked at Jack and felt her fist tighten on the table. Nick picked up on his partners gesture but wasn't with her in what she was thinking. He was mostly thinking that every family get-together at the Rollins house must be like a Wes Andersson movie. Liv turned her eyes back to Bonnie. And if Jack was involved then it seemed the mother knew about it.

"She was nothing like her sister. Justine always ran after boys. And Amanda ran after Justine so in a way I guess…" Bonnie went silent.  
"I can't believe she was…" Bonnie started but stopped by putting her fist to her mouth. Liv's thoughts were running wild as the mother took a minute. Could Jade be Jack? Could they have misheard? But he was not the man who had attacked Amanda this time. They had the photo. DNA from the second attack. They would have spotted if the DNA was family related. He had just flown into town this morning. Or hadn't he? Liv tried to calm down. She knew this case was personal to all of them. She wondered if she should take Nick outside for a while and fill him in on her chain of thoughts. Get her own head screwed back on before she continued hearing them. She could not screw this up.

Meanwhile on the other side of the mirror Fin had picked up on the glances Bonnie shot Jack too. He and Cragen had been quiet the whole time but then Cragen's phone buzzed. He checked it and then looked up at Fin.  
"No change over at the hospital," he told him. Fin threw him a quick look and then turned back to the interview room.  
"They're hiding something," Fin said.  
"Yeah?" Cragen looked at the couple too. "I'm picking up a lot of anxiety and then hostility between the two but what could they be hiding that would be significant to Amanda's assault?"  
"Something," Fin whispered and focused on the interview again. He knew Liv was on to them.

"During the first assault Amanda mentioned a name while in and out of consciousness. Maybe you could help us with that. Does the name Jade mean anything to you?" Both Bonnie's and Jack's eyes flew up when she mentioned the name.  
"That's our other daughter," Bonnie said with some confusion in her voice.  
"What?" Liv wasn't following, did they have a third daughter? Bonnie shook her head briefly and then went on to explain.  
"Jade is Justine. Jade and Amber. That's the nicknames Justine came up with. Justine was five when Amanda was born and she was a very proud big sister. Our daughters both have family names but Justine started calling Amanda Amber, as the stone. Well it's not actually a stone but Justine thought so at five and since someone called Amanda 'a little gem' she thought it was perfect. Our two little gems she said to us. Later on of course that became solid rocks, two rock solid sister and such things a teenager would come up with. Justine has always been… well she's been living in a fantasy world. Just like Jack. Amanda is more realistic, like me. But they called each other Jade and Amber, still does to this day."

"So they still have good contact?" Liv had got the impression from the previous mention of Justine that the relationship wasn't that good. Bonnie shook her head again.  
"No, you see Justine is at a mental institution."  
"It's an open unit," Jack speaking made everyone surprised.  
"Well it's still a mental institution," Bonnie bit back. She turned back to Liv.  
"You see Justine has borderline personality disorder." This time it was Jack who gave Bonnie a look. For Liv this information just got her thoughts going again. She knew studies had shown a strong correlation between child abuse, especially sexual abuse, and the development of BPD.  
"When was she diagnosed?" Liv asked trying to keep her temper down.  
"Only about five years ago. You see she was a drug addict."  
"Bonnie." Jack hissed at her. He looked shocked.  
"What? It's the police. They probably have her records anyways. They won't tell your neighbors, you don't have to worry about them finding out." There were obviously some shame issues going on here. Liv had seen it many times before, the 'what if the neighbors find out' fear could keep many folks hiding things they shouldn't.

"When did she start using drugs Bonnie?" Liv turned the question directly to the mother seeing how the dad wasn't that much of a talker, especially when it came to airing their daughters dirty laundry so to speak.  
"In college. She got mixed up with the wrong kind of people. We tried getting her help but nothing seemed to help. It was up and down for many years but then finally she wanted to get clean for good and then all of a sudden she was branded with a personality disorder. We had no clue that's what was going on. Maybe we should have picked up on the mood swings in her adolescence or when she started to distance herself from her teammates and dropped out of her sports activities but we just thought it was a part of growing up. She was our first born. We didn't know better." Liv smiled at her since she seemed to need one. Liv had a hard time focusing. Maybe it was a combination of the lack of sleep and the inner turmoil that came with a partner being the victim but she also struggled with the fathers part in this.

"I'm sorry but I need to go check on something. It will only take a minute or two," Liv said when the mother didn't continue talking.  
"Can we get you anything? Do you need a toilet break maybe?" she asked as she rose. Both parents shook their heads.  
"Feel free to stretch your legs," Liv said with a smile as she headed out the door with Nick in tow. They headed straight into Cragen's office. Nick closed the door behind them as Liv took a deep breath and put her hands on her head. Fin and Cragen had turned and was facing them.  
"The father," Fin just said and Liv let her hands fall down to her sides.  
"Right?!" she said, happy to learn someone was with her in her thinking.  
"You think he did something to his daughters?" Cragen asked both of them. Liv spoke since she felt she was boiling over.

"We know the correlation between sexual abuse and BPD," Liv pointed to one of her fingers and then went over to another one. "Amanda's almost the total opposite. No boyfriends, no promiscuousness."  
"That we know off," Nick said and got a stern look from Liv but she knew he had a point. She turned back to Cragen.  
"The looks they keep exchanging. The fact he's nervous as hell. Something's going on."  
"But he's surely not the one who attacked Amanda now is he? Is that what we are thinking?" Nick had to ask.  
"I don't think so but can we just make sure he really flew in from Atlanta this morning?" Cragen nodded at Liv's request. They got interrupted by a conversation that started in the next room.

"What?" Bonnie said with that high pitched voice again. Jack shook his head.  
"Now what?" she repeated and turned her head to him.  
"Did you really have to tell them all that?" he muttered.  
"It's the police. You don't lie to the police Jack."  
"No but you don't necessarily have to serve them everything on a gold platter."  
"Well excuse me but maybe then you should open your mouth. It is after all you who are the good one at keeping things from the police." Bonnie crossed her arms in front of her and turned her head away from him.

Liv threw her hands out in a 'I told you so' gesture.  
"We don't know what they're talking about Liv," Cragen felt the need to ground her.  
"But something. But do I focus on here and now or should I nail the bastard?" she directed the question to both Cragen and Fin. Cragen looked to Fin and then back at Liv.  
"Leave it for now. Get some more on the sister. If she's done drugs in the past she might be back on it again and that might mean this is her friend from Atlanta that the narcotic squad recognizes. And show them the photo. We'll deal with the father later." Liv nodded and then turned to Fin.  
"Anything?" she asked.  
"You're doing great. We think alike. I trust you," he just said and Liv and Nick headed back in.


	14. Chapter 14

"Sorry about that," Liv said as she sat down again. Bonnie uncrossed her arms and put them around her purse again.  
"So about Justine, she's still at the open unit?" Bonnie nodded at Liv's question. "Where?" Bonnie gave her the name of a place outside Pittsburgh.  
"And how long has she been there?"  
"It's coming up on almost a year now. She's doing really good. She has her own place. But on the grounds of the institution though. She gets therapy and medication."  
"How long has she been off drugs?"  
"When she was diagnosed she was clean but she had a few setbacks during the years. The drugs have always been an easy escape for her. We've tried different treatment facilities. This last one is the only one that stuck. Before the open unit she was at their closed facility, detoxing and all. So it's at least a year and a half clean now."  
"Good for her," Liv smiled at Bonnie and for the first time got a smile back from her. Liv got touched by just how much she reminded her about Amanda when she smiled. Nick saw it too.

"Do you get to visit her?" Liv asked and Bonnie nodded.  
"Every month I fly up. They don't want me coming more often. And I've been to the special arrangements they have. The art exhibitions with their art therapy group, they have family week and I've gone their course to learn more about the disorder and to be supportive."  
"How about you sir? Do you visit?" Liv turned to Jack. Jack nodded but again Bonnie intervened.  
"Twice. In a year. Once for family week and once for a group family session. That's all. He didn't show up for the other family sessions," she looked at him with disgust.  
"Does Amanda visit?" Liv tried to derail Bonnie's hostility even if she to be honest didn't mind him being subjected to it. Bonnie nodded.  
"Yes she sees her every month too, and the special arrangements. We've had four family sessions since Justine got to the open unit. Amanda drives there now when she's here in New York. I'm not sure how I'm going to tell Justine about this. Well about the head injury, I won't tell her about…" Bonnie was unable to say it.

"But you still don't think Amanda would have confided something to Justine?" Liv was curious. Bonnie shook her head.  
"Amanda is very protective of her sister. She does not want to upset her. It was very hard for Amanda when Justine started doing drugs. She lost her sister in a way. Her rock. Justine changed. Became unpredictable. Well more so than she usually was. She would say she'd come pick her up to go see a movie or something but she never came. Amanda didn't say anything but I could tell it hurt her. And then when she joined the police it became even more troublesome since Amanda would have to report her and…" Bonnie stopped dead sentence.  
"Well it was just troublesome for both of them I guess. And Amanda would take it so hard every time her sister relapsed. We've, me and Jack, tried tough-love and we've been called enablers and I don't know what else in the book. But it's hard being a relative to an addict. Amanda's approach has always been soft, even after she became a police. She's always been very sensitive to her sister's needs. We just deal with it differently. I can't say what's right or wrong."

Liv knew all too well about being a relative to an addict. She would not put blame on anyone in this case.  
"Do you know if Justine's still in contact with any of her old friends from Columbus? The wrong kind of people as you put it?" Bonnie shook her head.  
"No she's cut all connections to that now. The only friends she has now are the ones at the institution and just one or two from her childhood."  
"But when she has relapsed have she gone back to the same group of friends?" Bonnie took a few seconds and then nodded.  
"You see because we have a photo of a suspect. The one that attacked Amanda two nights ago. It's a street camera so the picture isn't that good but when we sent it to the Atlanta police some people in the narcotics unit recognized the face but we still don't have a name. Would you mind taking a look at it?" Bonnie looked at Jack with some fear on her face. He met her eyes and then they both looked at Liv. Bonnie nodded slightly. Liv pulled the photo from the case file, turned it and put it in front of them on the table. The reaction came immediately.

All detectives, even the ones behind the window, jumped as Bonnie let out a shriek that was felt to the core. Even the father reacted. It almost looked like he would fall flat on the table but he stopped just inches from the photo and his fist fell down next to it. The mother went silent as she covered both mouth and eyes with her hands. She hadn't look at the photo more than a few seconds. There was no question they knew this person. Bonnie started sobbing underneath her hands. Jack finally managed to pull his eyes away and planted his elbows on the table and then his face in his hands.  
"Do you know this man?" Liv asked carefully. Bonnie nodded almost violently behind her hands.  
"Can you tell me who he is?" Liv felt both excitement and fear. Excited that they could get a name and arrest someone but also fear to hear just who this man was to the Rollins family.

Bonnie seemed unable to speak and so far Jack hadn't been so reliable to do so. But now he turned his head slightly up, still not looking at them though, and said very quietly:  
"Eric Salinger." Nick quickly wrote the name down even though no one would forget it.  
"And who is he?" Liv tried.  
"Justine's boyfriend. The one that introduced her to drugs," he said just as quietly.  
"And why would he come for Amanda?" he didn't answer and Bonnie started shaking her head.  
"Are you okay Bonnie?" Liv knew they wouldn't get anywhere if they closed down now.  
"Bonnie?" Liv tried again.  
"No, I'm not okay. I need to see my daughter," she let down her hands, face striped by tears. "Now. I need to see her now," she stood up and her purse fell to the floor.  
"We'll take you to your daughter soon Bonnie. Right now your daughter needs you here. Amanda needs you to talk to us," Liv was good at this. Calming people down. She reached Bonnie with those simple words and as she sat down again Nick helped her with her purse. Bonnie calmed down quickly as she sat down. It wouldn't last though.

"Why would Eric rape Amanda?" Strangely it felt good to Liv to be able to put his name in to that sentence. They had a name. A person to hold accountable for what had happen. Bonnie looked like she was contemplating something.  
"Cause…"  
"Bonnie!" Jack interrupted her as soon as she started. Jack was breathing hard. He looked scared, even more so than before. Bonnie turned her head to him and then the storm of emotions flooded back.  
"You. This is all your fault. You did this," she screamed while letting her palms hit his arm and head and everything else she could reach. Jack just did his best to cover his face, she wasn't a strong woman so he didn't have much to fear from her. Her words were probably more hurtful than any punch she could throw.  
"Hey hey," Liv said and stood up and reached out to Bonnie. She managed to get her to stop slapping him but she kept talking while sobbing.  
"My mother always said you were no good. This is your fault."  
"What is Jack's fault?" Liv asked while sitting back down.  
"He…"  
"Bonnie!" again he interrupted.  
"No. No. You're not going to do this again. I'm not sacrificing her for Justine. Not again. Ever." The slapping started again and again Liv rose and got her to calm down.

"You have to tell us what is going on here?" Liv said but Bonnie was hunched down crying into her palms. And then Jack looked up with a vacant look on his face and just said:  
"I just don't want my girls to be stigmatized." Liv was surprised by that big word that all of a sudden came out of his mouth. Liv shook her head.  
"I'm sorry. I don't understand?" she admitted.  
"It's not the first time." Bonnie blurted out as she sat up. Liv turned her head.  
"What's not the first time?"  
"The first time he raped her." Bonnie looked like she was going to fall apart again but managed to stay upright.  
"She was just fourteen. My baby. Just fourteen." And then she broke again. Liv looked over at Nick quickly. Liv wished she'd waited to take that break. She needed one now.  
"Eric raped Amanda when she was fourteen?" Liv didn't feel as good saying his name this time around.  
"Yes," Bonnie cried through her hands.

Behind the window Fin felt the blood rush from his head. He raised his fist as to smash the window but managed to control himself and put his hands on his scalp. Cragen watched him not knowing if he could or actually would want to stop him if he were to smash the window.

Back in the room there was an eerie silence only broken by Bonnie's crying. Liv knew she had to probe but felt very uneasy to do so.  
"What happen?" Liv finally asked once Bonnie's crying had gone down some. But it would be the father who spoke first.  
"We knew Justine was on drugs. We'd met Eric. She brought him home. We knew they were both using. We forbid him to come to the house and we should have… we couldn't make ourselves forbid her to come home though. We tried but we didn't have it in us. We had said no to drugs in the house though. And then she came home one weekend unannounced. Bonnie and I had been invited to this gathering in the city. We rarely went out at all. We'd been invited by the local sheriff none the less," Jack let out a sad chuckle with this information.  
"He was a friend of ours and it was an honor to be asked to this social event. We thought about staying home, not wanting to leave Amanda alone with Justine knowing how unpredictable she was. But it would be impolite to cancel with such short notice and Amanda said she would be fine. It looked like she really wanted to spend the Saturday alone with her sister. Justine was turning 20 in a few weeks and they would plan her birthday party. And Justine promised not to use but she'd promised that before and broken it," Jack looked up at them with grief on his face. Any suspicion Liv had about him was gone.

"So we left," he said and had to take a few deep breaths before he continued.  
"Bonnie called the house once during the night. Amanda answered and she said everything was fine. She was probably covering for her sister," he took another pause, seemed as he was struggling to get the story out now.  
"We got home just after midnight. The house was all lit up. We…" his voice broke and it looked like he had a hard time breathing. He tried to push his tears back but it made him unable to speak. Bonnie suddenly put her hands down on the table. She rubbed her palms against the cold surface as she followed them with her eyes.  
"We could hear music," Bonnie said and continued:  
"We knew Justine had broken her promise. The front door was open. When we got inside the place was such a mess. And Eric was there. And three other… stoned people," she looked as though she was searching for a word and 'stoned' was the most loathsome she could come up with.

"We got them to leave. Justine was passed out on the couch. She was unreachable. We started to clean up. And then I went upstairs to check on Amanda. We'd just figured she'd gone to bed. She was a good girl you know," Bonnie looked up at Liv and seemed to need reassurance so Liv nodded at her.  
"She had a softball game the next day and she always went to bed on time. But she wasn't in her bed. It was unmade though so I knew she'd been there. I searched her room. She had a habit of hiding in small spaces when she got scared. Or even to just sit in them actually. She said it made her feel safe. Justine was always the opposite. She hated cramped spaces but Amanda would crawl in anywhere. So I checked her closet but she wasn't there." Of course both Liv and Nick thought of the closet in Amanda's apartment. Seemed she still felt safe in small spaces.

"When she wasn't in the bathroom either I called downstairs to Jack that I couldn't find her. I went to check our room since it was further from the stairs, maybe she tried to get away from the music. And that's…" Bonnie covered her mouth with her hand. All Liv and Nick could do was wait. Jack pulled his chair back. He put his face down into his hands, elbows on his knees and took deep breaths. Bonnie finally put her hand down. Her voice was even frailer as she continued.  
"Our bed was messed up. There was… blood. I think I screamed. I went around the bed. When she wasn't there I immediately checked the closet. Out of instinct I guess. And…" again her hand flew up to her mouth. Liv understood how hard this was but she had such a hard time being patient right now.  
"And there she sat. That sweet sweet girl." Bonnie couldn't hold back her tears as she looked up at Liv.  
"She held on to herself for dear life. Rocking back and forth. She wasn't wearing her pajama pants," Bonnie whispered as she said that last part.

"I tried to grab her but she pulled away. And then Jack came running in. I started… I don't know what I did. I screamed again I think and told Jack to do something but he just stood there. I screamed at Amanda, asked her who'd hurt her. I grabbed for her but she just tried to get away and then…" Bonnie looked up at Liv with a broken face as she admitted:  
"Then I slapped her." She looked down in shame and continued:  
"I asked her again who hurt her and then she told us. Eric. It was Eric. I let go off her and just fell backwards. She started rocking again. And I just said oh my God over and over again until I finally managed to tell Jack to call the police," she looked over at her husband and her face turned from sad to something that looked like loathing.  
"But the jackass said no," she hissed with obvious aversion.  
"You didn't call the police?" Liv couldn't sit quiet as Bonnie had stopped talking and just stared at her ex husband. Bonnie turned her eyes back at Liv and got some sadness back on her face as she shook her head.

"He told me not to," she said with a calm voice but hate, sadness and shame exchanged time on her face.  
"He said that then they'd know about Justine's drug problems. We hadn't told anyone you see. Everyone would find out. The sheriff that we had dinner with only hours ago, our co-workers, neighbors, family, friends… And Amanda… Everyone would know what happen to her and she would be branded in school. Her friends. Teachers. Teammates. Everyone would know. We would never be able to go back. That's what he said," she turned her head to her ex again.  
"And I trusted him," she hissed.  
"So what did you do?" Liv asked having a hard time concealing her voice from the anger she felt. It was clear Eric had done a horrendous crime but if the parent's had kept it from the police they were guilty too in her eyes.

Bonnie looked down at the table and started telling them:  
"He told me to get her to the shower. He'd clean up. I managed to get her up, out of there and in to the bathroom. I put her in the bathtub and put the water on. She wouldn't let me touch her at first but then… then she let me and we both started cleaning her up. She finally let me remove her pajama top and then we just scrubbed for a very long time. I think we were in there for over an hour. We both cried but we didn't talk. We said nothing. When we were done I dried her off. I put her in a new pajamas, gave her two pills of mine. One for anxiety and one was a sleeping pill. I put her down to sleep and told her everything would be fine in the morning." Bonnie looked up at Liv.  
"I told her everything would be fine in the morning," she repeated and the disgust that Liv sent her way was already on her face.

Liv felt like asking her if everything was fine the next day. With sarcasm of course. But she could tell the mother was already aware of how wrongly they had acted and she still had questions that needed to be answered. The anxiety she'd picked up from the father earlier, the flaky eyes and all, were probably guilt. A guilt that had grown for many years, dissolved a marriage and alienated a family. This was no time for Liv's personal feelings.  
"Amanda didn't have injuries that needed to be attended?" Liv asked and tried to keep her voice neutral. Bonnie looked up, her face was drained.  
"She had some bruises but the bleeding stopped."  
"Pregnancy, STDs?" Bonnie shook her head at Liv's question.  
"I guess we were just lucky." Liv could hear Nick's muffled breath at that answer and was right there with him. Yes very lucky she thought.

"And the next day?" Liv just needed to get through this.  
"We stayed up late cleaning. Our bedroom. We pulled the mattresses off our bed. Carried them outside, to the backyard. I slept in Justine's old room and Jack took the couch next to Justine. And in the morning we just got up. Amanda slept long, longer than usual cause of the sleeping pill maybe. I called her coach and told her Amanda was sick and wouldn't make it to the game. When Justine woke up I'd managed to get Amanda downstairs so she was at least sitting at the breakfast table. Jack was around. Justine tried to be her chipper old self, probably thinking we were angry because she'd done drugs in the house even though she promised us not to. I could tell though that it hurt her that Amanda wasn't talking to her, that she didn't seem happy to have her sister there. But Amanda was just… distant. And then Justine left after a while and we… just went back to our routine."

"How did Amanda handle this? I mean was she able to move on?" Bonnie met Liv's eyes briefly but then looked down again.  
"I guess. She was low… depressed maybe for a couple of weeks. I gave her some of my pills. She had some trouble in school for a while, she fell asleep in class, got some lower grades than usual and her coaches expressed some concern but then it seemed to turn. She seemed almost normal from time to time. We… we never talked about it."  
"You never talked to her about what had happen? You didn't get her any counseling or anything?" Bonnie looked back up, sadness back on her face but her voice was a bit angry as she said:  
"No. She seemed fine. We thought it was better for her to just forget about it." Liv had to bite her tongue.  
"And you never held Eric accountable for his actions?" Bonnie just shook her head.  
"And Justine and Eric stayed together?" Bonnie nodded.  
"Do you think he told her? That Justine knows?" Bonnie just looked at her and Liv knew she didn't know the answer to that question.

"Is Justine still with Eric?" Bonnie immediately shook her head.  
"No. Since she moved to Pittsburgh he's been out of her life."  
"But would she know how to contact him?" Bonnie looked at Liv with sad eyes.  
"I don't know. Maybe."  
"Is Justine capable of answering questions? Could we interrogate her?"  
"She can talk but I'm not sure an interrogation would be the best thing."  
"But if we sat down with her like we're doing right now? Talking."  
"Yes. I'm not sure how she would handle knowing about Amanda and… Eric though. Eric is still a sore subject."  
"We're rather good at this, I'm sure we can handle it. Let's make sure we get her contact information before you leave. I was wondering, did Amanda see Eric again?"  
"What do you mean?" Bonnie seemed very tired.  
"Did they meet again after that night?" Bonnie looked like she was about to cry again as she nodded.

"We never left her alone with Justine for at least a year after… that night. And Eric wasn't welcome to Justine's 20th birthday party. And then they broke up, well that's what Justine said and she was very upset so we really believed her. She had a new place in Atlanta and we let her come pick Amanda up one day. They would buy things for her new place so we let her take her in to town. And then when they came back that night… Eric was driving the car. Amanda sat in the back and she just looked so… frail. But as soon as she came up to us on the porch she seemed fine. I asked her if something had happen but she just said no. And when I asked her what they had been doing she just said they had shopped. I asked if Eric had been with them the whole day and she told me he'd brought them lunch and then hung around. She wouldn't say much more."

"Do you think he touched her again?" Bonnie looked scared and her lower lip shivered.  
"I don't think so." Liv didn't trust that answer.  
"And after that? Did Amanda and Eric see each other again?"  
"I don't think so."  
"And why would he come after Amanda here in New York you think?"  
"I don't know." Liv had a hard time hiding her irritation.  
"Could it be to get information on where Justine is?" Bonnie nodded.  
"And Amanda wouldn't give him that information right?" Bonnie shook her head.  
"Have Justine tried to get away from him before?"  
"Yes, many times. I got her to rehab but when she got back home he always managed to lure her in again."  
"And do you know if Eric went to Amanda to find out where she was during these rehab stints too?" Bonnie looked confused.  
"Amanda would have told me wouldn't she?" Liv could not answer Bonnie's question.

They wrapped the interview up rather fast after that and Cragen came in with some good news. Amanda showed signs of waking up and he had arranged a car that would take them back to the hospital straight away. The parents tried to be happy about the news of their daughter's condition but it was obvious the interview had taken a toll. And they weren't exactly encouraged by the detectives. The truth was finally out. Just many years too late Liv thought as she told the parents she'd see them at the hospital a little bit later. Fin couldn't even leave Cragen's office. He felt like he could hurt one or both of them if he got close to them right now. He held them accountable for what his partner now had to endure. They could have prevented this. If they had only done the right thing by their daughter.

**XXX**

**So a very long chapter but it needed to be since it was the "big" reveal. The next chapter will be rather long too since it's told all from Amanda's POV and we now know she has quite a lot to tell about her past. **

**Thanks to all of you who are still reading. There's still a lot of story left. We had the "big" reveal but we still have some bonding and comforting and a chase to deal with. Of course we have to see Eric go down one way or another. Will Fin be the one who gets to bring justice? And will he ever get his partner back? Stay tuned.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Amandas POV**

She had always adored her big sister. She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't. They had the best relationship as they grew up. It was them against the world. Spending a day with her sister was like being in fairytale. She had the best imagination and Amanda followed her as they visited magic kingdoms, fought trees in the wood behind their house, climbed volcanoes and saved the prince from the dragons wrath. Amanda waited at the porch every day for her sister to come home from school. And even if they were banned to their rooms by their mother Jade would make it fun. They built huts, drew magical worlds on a big piece of paper or just held on to each other as Jade told her amazing stories about amazing creatures. And Amanda loved to be called Amber. It made her feel so special.

Even though they were five years apart Jade always let her tag along when possible. She didn't mind including her little sister when she had friends over or let her sit at the bleacher as she practiced. Jade had a lot of friends and none of them complained. Or if they did Jade would chose her sister over them. To Amanda Jade were the most wonderful and magical person in the world. Even the dark days, the days when Justine would just cry for no good reason or threw a tantrum because their mother or father upset her, Amanda would think the world of her. Those were the days she could be there for her sister and not the other way around. Amber would try and make her sister smile. She'd try and make up just as magical stories as Jade could, she'd try and stand on her head, make funny faces and hug her until the pain washed away. And then Justine would be Jade again.

Amanda was probably the first one that knew something deeper was wrong with Justine. But a five year old couldn't grasp fancy words like borderline personality disorder. And to Amanda it wasn't a disorder, she was just special. She could tell from an early age if it was Justine or Jade who stood before her. She loved them both but Justine could be scary. That was the side that held irritability, anxiety, paranoia, delusions and anger. The side that would get into fights at school. Only with persons who bullied or upset others though, the one's both Justine and Jade saw as evil. Justine was the side that made her beloved sister pick on her own skin so it broke and made nasty sores. The one that needed her the most. The one that would take over as her sister slipped into substance abuse.

The day her sister had left for college she felt devastated. She missed her terribly. Jade would call Amber often though. But then less and less after Jade started talking about this boy she'd met. He was two years older, so urbane and so handsome she told her. He had been handsome, a bit ragged but still handsome, once she finally got to meet him. And he was kind to her. He told her she had the most gorgeous eyes he'd ever seen and a very friendly smile. She'd been taken in by him and his charm. His name was Eric and if Jade loved him he must be a good guy. Their parents hadn't liked him though. It was from overhearing her parents talk one night as she first heard the word drugs and soon she understood that drugs, and Eric, was the things changing her sister. Making her stay on the dark side, making Jade disappear. When on drugs she changed from amazing Jade to unpredictable and just plain crazy Justine. She still loved her sister though and even the small glimpses of Jade was enough. She salvage those moments in her heart.

But then there was that terrible night when everything changed. She couldn't remember exactly what had happen, big pieces were missing from that night. She didn't mind though. The images she did remember, the ones that came through in her nightmares or flashed by her eyes as she visited a crime scene that hit a little too close to home, was scary enough. She let Amber carry that dark secret. She knew that she and Amber were one and the same though. Not the way Justine kept herself separated with Jade.

Once Justine got her diagnosis though she'd been afraid she too was carrying some disorder. Justine hadn't been wrong when she called their mother neurotic and their father emotionally inept, big words for a fifteen year old. As long as she could remember their mother had been taking pills to calm her nerves. Their father did have a hard time airing his emotions or showing his affection with hugs and kisses. Before that night though he did it on special occasions but after... never. Since Justine didn't have some traumatic childhood experience that she knew off she figured it was inherent. Something they both probably carried in their genes. So what if she too had a disorder? What if she was sick too?

She could see a change in herself after that night. Before she'd felt real. Whole. After she felt as though she constantly pretended to be something. She pretended to be a normal high school student. Then a normal college student. Then an adult, a police recruit, a police officer, a detective. Always pretending. Pretending became her life. Those rare moments when she was all alone, in her own apartment, with nothing at hand she felt lost. Fortunately though she had a job that could take up most of her time. And the rest she filled with books, theater visits, exercising or going to the movies. If she kept herself occupied she could pretend she was normal. But there were things she couldn't pretend. She couldn't pretend to be someone's girlfriend. She could pretend kissing, pretend flirting, pretend interest. But not to be so close to someone as to being their girlfriend.

She'd come close once though. Kevin. He was a cop too. He was with another squad but she'd seen him around, talked to him in the bar once or twice. But then she'd seen him at the theater. She'd spotted him in the intermission and hid immediately. He was surely there with someone and she didn't want him knowing she was there on her own. But then he'd been waiting for her outside the theater once it ended. He must have spotted her after all. "So how goes your review?" he casually asked. He'd been there alone too. They ended up at the diner across the street, sharing a piece of pie while reviewing the play. He was the first one who actually seemed to like the play writer Goethe just as much as she did. He was different from other cops she hung around. He was calm, cultural, with the ability to make her laugh and feel comfortable.

They started with going to the theater together and soon she found herself in an actual relationship. It just happen. It took a while but then she'd slept with him. He was the only one. Except for... Eric. She started to feel like maybe she didn't have to pretend with him. But then Justine had gone into rehab and sure enough soon thereafter Eric paid her a visit. Same story every time. She thought that when she became a cop he would keep his distance but she'd been wrong. She'd thought maybe things would change when she had Kevin around but it didn't change a thing. Eric was her cross to bear. She'd do anything to keep her sister safe. So she realized nothing would ever change and she couldn't give Kevin what he needed or deserved. She had to leave him before he found out. Kevin was one of her biggest achievements but also one of her biggest, and saddest, failures.

The run in with her deputy chief had been rough. She'd gotten away almost unharmed but it set motions off that made her feel as though she was about to crack. When her captain talked to her about a transfer, and to New York of all places, it had felt like a big opportunity. Not only work wise but also to get away from the city and from Eric. Maybe she would be able to put it all behind her? It had been scary to move but the feeling of it being a new start for her made it scary in an exciting way. And Justine was in Pittsburgh since about six months, information she did not give Eric when he paid her a visit two months before she moved. She would be able to drive to see her sister when it was time for their monthly visits. Maybe, just maybe, she'd let her come more often.

She stayed at a hotel for the first weeks in NY but as she'd gotten in touch with a real estate agent before the move she could quickly start to look at potential apartments for her to buy. She had enough savings so she'd be able to even though the prices in the big city were ridiculously high. She knew right away when she stepped in to her apartment that it was the right place for her. The location was great, seeing how the drive to work wouldn't be that long, and the neighborhood seemed quiet, yet friendly and multicultural. The building had a garage in the basement and a locked front door. The apartment itself was spacious but not big enough to swallow her, well except for the bed but the plan was to get rid of it. She'd immediately spotted the closet and what it could be useful as but she'd tried to push those thoughts away. This was a new start, no need for hiding places. She felt as though she could pretend to be a regular adult in this apartment.

But it hadn't taken long until she'd started anyway. She'd put things in there that could be useful if she ever did have to spend some time in there. And then came the first lock and soon the next one. She'd placed her spare gun in there. At times she'd sit in there just because it was comfy. Most often with a book in her hands or her computer in her lap. She felt calm, and safe, in there. It couldn't be wrong right? The job had devoured her. Just as she liked it. There were no shortage of crimes and victims in the big city. And she had the best boss and co-workers.

Cragen was really sweet but yet straight forward and easy to read. Olivia had been hard to reach but they'd found a working relationship that seemed to work well for both of them. She was kind of glad they weren't forced to be tight just because they were the only females in the squad because it meant she didn't have to share everything with her. They could work well together but still keep their distance. The same went for Fin. She loved Fin. He was the best partner she'd ever had, not that she would ever admit that to him though. He had the tough love approach. He was straight forward as their captain, he wasn't afraid of airing his opinion but still had a great ear for others opinions. She felt safe when he had her back and was proud to have his.

Munch was a treasure. She'd learnt so much from him, he'd been around for ages now and to be able to tap in to that experience was a treat. The other rookie was probably the only one she seemed to rub the wrong way. She wasn't sure what it was but they seemed to disagree often. She tried to bite her tongue but sometimes she just couldn't and it seemed Nick was the one on the receiving end at those occasions for some reason. She had promised herself to work on that.

When she'd stepped into the precinct this past Tuesday and the desk sergeant had called her over to hand her a note she'd been totally unprepared for the re-emergence of Eric. When she'd seen his name at the bottom of the hand scribbled note a tsunami wave of emotions had almost knocked her off her feet. Fear, pain, disbelief, anxiety, sickness, it all made her weak to her knees and her wildered look went around the entrance hall in case he was still around. The desk sergeant had asked if she was okay but thankfully Fin had already begun his walk up the stairs and she was able to collect herself. The note had asked her to meet him in a bar not far from where she lived. That made her wonder if he knew where she lived even though she wasn't listed.

She'd thought about blowing him off but the fear that he then might show up back at the station again made her convince herself she had to go see him. Seeing him in a public place wasn't so bad, it was being alone with him that made her feel like dying a little. She'd managed to sneak out a little earlier that night and she drove her car back home and then jumped the bus back a few stations to where the bar was at. She'd spotted him straight away. He'd tucked himself into a booth by the wall. The once handsome man was long gone. Not only because she saw him in a different light today than when she first met him just shy of fourteen. The drugs had done big damage to his exterior. To her sister's as well.

As she'd come closer she'd felt her gut turning. His dark, curly hair was still untamed but looked unwashed and pulled back in a sloppy bun and she could see hairpins on his head. His dark eyes had withdrawn even further into his head and with the pale skin she got associations to a skull. He had a thin scar on his right cheek that wasn't there the last time she saw him. When he smiled at her she'd seen the familiar state of his teeth. Her mother would cringe if she saw that. At least Justine had decent teeth thanks to their mother. She hadn't smiled at him as she sat down and not when he tried giving her a compliment that went along the line of the NY fumes not affecting her looks badly. He'd tried to begin a conversation, wanted to buy her a beer but she'd just shut him down and told him she still didn't know where Justine was.

He'd acted offended telling her he was in town to visit a friend and just thought that he would check in with another friend as well, meaning her. She wasn't buying any of it. He'd tried to grab her hand on the table but she'd put them down in her lap immediately. She'd felt his leg rub up against hers under the table and she'd pulled away but every little thing seemed to suck strength from her. He was like a vulture. She needed to get out of there. She'd told him again she couldn't tell him where Justine was, he should ask their mother if he wanted to find her and she told him he better stay away from the station too. She'd hurried out of there but of course he wasn't giving up without a fight. She figured she had better stamina than him and he would wear off in a couple of blocks if she kept a steady pace. But he kept up and she started to look for a cab as she got tired of his voice in her ear nagging about how he just wanted to make sure Justine was doing all right.

Of course there was no cab in sight when she needed one. She finally couldn't listen to him and stopped and tried to reason with him. To no point of course. He'd managed to get the phone off her and looked through it for Justine's number. She'd learnt by now not to keep that on her so she wasn't worried. She didn't want him to steal her phone though seeing how she would have to ask her captain for a new one in the morning but he gave it back to her thankfully. He wasn't letting her go though. His breath on her face made her want to vomit. She knew where it all was leading and she knew she had to get away now. She could tell he was on something and she knew the strength he possessed when he put his mind to it. And she knew from experience he was hard to outsmart. Unintelligent he was not.

She thought she found a way out and she got ready to make a run for it but his arm had suddenly got in her way. She was out for a few seconds but when she came to and felt him start to pull her legs she tried to grab for whatever she could find. She knew what the alley would mean and it scared her. New York was her town, not his. She got angry and put up a bigger fight than she usually did. She'd lost though and the next thing she remembered was waking up with a bright light in her eyes and people touching her all over. And to make things worst Olivia and Fin had shown up. The adrenalin had still been pumping so the anger won over the embarrassment she felt. Having Fin on her couch that night hadn't been so bad though. It made her feel safe and if pride and the fact she needed to act cool to make them think everything was fine hadn't stepped in the way she would have let him stay another night.

There was no way she would tell them. The humiliation too grand to carry and the fear what they would think of her. She thought she had managed to get them off her back but then he'd confronted her with that darn photo. They had footage. How embarrassing. She knew she had to make sure Eric got out of there. She'd gone back to the bar and surely enough found him there. She'd told him her partner was on his tail and he better get out of there before he got in some serious trouble. He wasn't in Niceville Atlanta no more she said before storming out of there. Maybe he had followed her as she drove off or maybe he already knew where she lived? An hour after she got home, just as she was finally calming down enough to go to bed, her buzzer rang and it felt like her blood got several degrees cooler when she heard his voice on the other side of it.

She didn't let him up but soon enough he was at her door anyway. She went into her bedroom and open up the closet door. She made sure her spare gun was still in its place. She decided she would shoot him this time if it got too far. This time she really would. She could say he attacked her two days ago, Olivia and Fin could back that up, and that's why she felt threaten when he came to her apartment. They'd talked through her door. He'd kept insisting he just wanted to talk to Justine but he'd given up finally. Then he'd started with I don't have any money to go back home and if she just gave him some money he would leave. She could only find forty in bills in her pocket and tried to slip them under the door. When that didn't work she told him to step away from the door. She made sure the chains were on and once she saw him move away she'd open the door just enough to hold the bills out the door.

–Just take them and then leave. She'd said and he'd stepped forward. But he didn't go for the money, he kicked the door and she flew into the opposite wall just by the slight impact he made with that first kick. She remembered sliding down to the floor by the wall and just wishing the chains would hold for the next kick she knew was coming. That's the last thing she could remember. No, she could remember thinking she needed to get to her gun but as she tried to get into the bedroom she'd looked over her shoulder and seen him coming. That was the last thing she could remember. Her head was pounding. And this darn light. She couldn't breathe. She felt panic. Why couldn't she breathe? And could someone turn off this damn light so I can open my eyes?


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks for the reviews. And thanks _maigonokaze_ for the writing tips. I'm trying out the bunny ears. I had trouble with the hyphen/dash ending up on different rows and couldn't come around it so this really helped. I hope it makes it easier to read. You all make me want to post chapters quicker so I'm trying to speed up the spell checking. You'll soon reach chapter 18 which is my personal favorite cause I'm just a sucker for drama. Happy reading!**

**XXX**

As soon as the parents had left they quickly gathered all they could get on Eric Salinger. No one really talked about what they had just learnt about what happen to their partner. It was a subject they worked with every day but it just hit too close to home for anyone to truly digest at the moment. It was easier to just get on with the job and deal with the emotions later. They all focused on getting Eric Salinger off the streets. There wasn't much to go on when it came to Eric though. He'd managed to keep away from the law but now they might have him on some major crimes; a homicide, rape of a minor and the assault and rape of a police detective. The walls were caving in on him. Fin couldn't wait to nail his ass.

Eric had grown up with an aunt and uncle since his mother couldn't stay out of jail. The mother was a heavy drug addict and had died from an overdose when he was six years old. Father was listed as unknown. The aunt had then handed him over to the grandmother and he'd entered the system once the grandmother died when he was 15 and no one seemed to want him. He'd been in and out of foster homes until he was 18. They found a driver license photo from 2003 that they put up on the board and sent out on the street. It wouldn't take long until an arrest warrant was added to the photo. With a name attached to a more detailed photo they got some leads from Atlanta. Eric was a familiar face in the drug circuit down there and had been for many years now. He was known as a very slick addict. He managed to talk himself out of most situations and was also known to rat out others to get away. Even though Fin knew this was how narcotics worked it enraged him that Eric wasn't in the system.

They found friends and affiliations in Atlanta but none in NY. They needed to talk to Justine. Liv put in a call to the institution Amanda's sister stayed at and after been bounced around a bit she managed to get a hold of Justine's psychiatrist. Liv learnt Justine was doing well on her medication and the treatment she was getting. The BPD would not stand in the way to have a conversation with her but they weren't sure how the information about her sister's state would affect her. She was still mentally frail. The psychiatrist and a counselor went to talk to Justine and then called Liv back. It was decided that the counselor would drive with Justine to NY first thing in the morning. Justine wanted to see her sister. Since time was of the essence they had informed Justine that Eric was the one that had inflicted Amanda's head injury, nothing other than that though, and if she had any leads to where he could be hiding out in NY she should say so. Justine however had no knowledge of any friends of his in NY.

Liv felt a bit bummed that Justine didn't have anything for them but she still had hope they would get some leads when they spoke to her tomorrow. They all sat down in Cragen's office to put up a strategy. They figured Eric was probably out of the city by now. He'd always ended back up in Atlanta but if he thought he killed a cop there was no way of knowing where he was headed. The one person that may know where Eric had been staying while in the NY was Amanda. Cragen had gotten word from the hospital that they had removed her breathing tube and she was responding well physically but they still didn't know what harm her brain had taken. Fin and Liv still wanted to head over to the hospital.

When they stepped into her room they found the father asleep in the chair in the corner and the mother sitting by Amanda's side. Bonnie looked tired too but had her eyes glued on her daughter and she held on to her hand. Fin still held a grudge towards them but Liv managed to smile as they stepped over to Amanda's bed. Fin went to stand by the footboard as Liv went up to Amanda so she could place a hand on her arm. She felt warm and alive under her touch. Liv felt some relief by this. The breathing tube was gone and replaced with a thin oxygen line just underneath her nose. The heart monitor beeped peacefully. No more blood pumping in to her but she was still getting that clear liquid.

"How's she doing?" Liv whispered.  
"Resting peacefully now. She's come to a couple of times but she doesn't say anything. I think she's there though," Bonnie sounded as tired as she looked.  
"That's good," Liv said and looked back down on Amanda's face. She had some color back to her cheeks and Liv looked up at Fin with a smile on her face. He wasn't ready to smile yet though. Liv looked back over at the mother. "Why don't you and Jack go get something to eat?" Bonnie looked at her watch and then over at Jack who had woken up in his chair in the corner. "We'll stay with her until you get back. I promise," Liv ensured.  
"Maybe we should. Thank you," Bonnie said with a tired smile on her face. When the parents had left Fin went to sit in Bonnie's chair. He let his hand sneak in underneath Amanda's and just carefully squeezed it.

"She got some color back," Liv whispered as she just barely stroke Amanda's cheek. Fin nodded and looked up on her face. Amanda had her head slightly tilted to his side and he looked at her intensely wishing she could just open her eyes if only for a brief second. He figured he would know then if she was okay or not. They just remained there for a while. Liv's phone buzzed eventually and she stepped away from the bed to see who it was. She stepped up to Fin after a while and held her phone up so he could read the screen. There had been a possible sighting of Eric in a well-known drug area in Brooklyn yesterday.  
"So he might still be in the city then," Fin whispered.  
"Maybe. We don't know the source though," she answered just as quietly as she went to carefully sit down on the foot of the bed. She looked over at Amanda once she'd sat down. They both sat in silence for a while. Fin couldn't take his eyes off Amanda.

"Whatcha thinking?" Liv whispered and carefully nudged his leg with the tip of her shoe. He took some time but then whispered  
"Can she come back from this?" Liv wasn't sure if he meant back to the squad or just overall back from such a traumatic event. She looked back at Amanda as she took a deep breath and then answered  
"Yes. She's proven she's a tough nut to crack and with the right support I'm sure she can do wonders." Fin threw Liv a quick look just to see if her face looked as secure as her voice did. She smiled at him and he tried his best to send one her way too. Fin looked back at Amanda.  
"I could kill the parents," he confessed with a whisper.  
"I know," Liv said with a voice that let him know she felt the same.

They sat there for a while and just watched her when the heart monitor suddenly made an irregular sound. Fin saw her eye stir underneath her eyelid. The second after he felt one of her fingers twitch in his hand. He sat up and Liv followed. Nothing happen for a while but then her eyes started stirring again and her eyelashes fluttered. Fin leaned forward and put his free hand on her bandaged head. It took great effort but then her eyelids just very slowly started to open up. He held his breath as he saw her blood spotted whites and then slowly her blues were exposed. She blinked a few times. Fin worried that the lights were to sharp for her eyes even though they were toned down now.  
"Hey," he whispered as she seemed to be able to focus her eyes on him. He saw her jaw move as though she tried to swallow but she seemed unable too. He looked for any sign in her eyes that she recognized him but it scared him that he couldn't find any.

"It's Fin," he whispered. He felt her fingers move against his hand and he looked down on it. He saw her fingers try their best to squeeze his hand and when he looked back up her eyes had changed slightly and there was a hint of a smile on her lips.  
"Hey boo," he whispered and was finally able to smile sincerely. He let his thumb rub against her forehead affectionately. He was disappointed when her eyes closed shut again but then he realized this was so she could swallow and then they fluttered back up again. She tried to say something but no sound came out.  
"It's okay. Don't try and talk." She got that wrinkle between her eyes that she got when she was either thinking hard or got mad about something. She closed her eyes again and swallowed. She open her eyes again and then tried again. She failed but didn't give up. On the third try he could just barely make out what came out lower than a whisper.  
"Hi baby."

He thought his face would crack with the smile those two tiny words produced. Boo and baby. Those were the names they used to harass each other with whenever they had to do a bit of undercover work. Amanda had mentioned once how she detested the word boo as an affectionate word. It was a word that ghost used to scare kids with and shouldn't be used in terms of endearment in her opinion. To which Fin had retorted that baby wasn't any better because that was basically calling someone an infant. So when Amanda once had used baby to call him over to her he had retorted with boo and from there it went. Whenever any one of them got a chance they used the pet name on the other one and he knew she had a harder time to not smile at it than him. It was a good way to keep some distance to their otherwise so grim work. And now it had served as the best indicator ever that she was still in there. She had come back to him and it made such an enormous weight leave his body. He even felt tears to his eyes.

"Hi Amanda," Liv whispered and Amanda managed to move her eyes just slightly downwards to meet Liv's. That faint smile appeared again just before she closed her eyes. They soon open up again though but then they were back on Fin. He came in even closer and held her gaze.  
"You'll be fine," he told her. "You just rest so you can get out of here and kick some serious ass again okay?" He could see she tried to smile but he could also tell she was wearing down quickly. Her eyes were falling shut even though she tried to keep them open and soon her face rested peacefully again. Once he knew she wouldn't open up her eyes again he looked up at Liv with the biggest smile on his face. Liv raised her eyebrow with a smile and whispered  
"Boo?" Fin just shook his head.  
"It's a long story," he smiled.

Fin and Liv left the hospital as Amanda's parents came back. They went by the station but Cragen sent them right back out to go home and get some sleep. Cragen had asked narcotics to help them try and locate Eric and they trusted the guys to do their best for a fellow detective. Both Nick and Fin still had friends in that unit and Cragen had a good relationship with the captain there so they weren't worried. The crime scene inspectors were finished with Amanda's apartment and Cragen handed Fin her keys. They had changed the lock and fixed the door so if she wanted to go back there once she was well enough to leave the hospital she could. Fin drove by there and ended up sleeping on her couch. He figured it was closer to the hospital in case something happen and he was kind of hoping Eric might return to the crime scene for some odd reason.

They had done a good job cleaning up the place. Fin figured Cragen had put in a few calls. The door looked good with a new lock and two new chains attached to the case. There was no trace of the blood that had covered the bedroom floor and the bed was stripped clean. If she wanted to move back to this place he promised he'd help her get rid of that bed. Fin took a look in her closet that he heard so much about from Nick and Liv. He sat down at a spot that was cleared. He wondered if she'd been sitting in here from time to time. He looked around and found a stack of books by the dresser. He looked at their backs. Not his kind of literature. Who the hell was Goethe? He flipped through the pages but soon put it down again. He saw the water and the survival kit Nick had found. He pulled out the lowest drawer in the dresser and immediately spotted a gun. He picked it up and looked in the magazine. It was fully loaded. Even though he felt mostly at ease now that he'd been able to look Amanda in the eyes it angered him that she had lived like this without him knowing. He decided it would stop now. He would make sure Eric disappeared from her life for good this time. Whatever it took.


	17. Chapter 17

**Sunday**

The latest sighting of Eric was in Brooklyn around 3 pm on Saturday which left them with four sightings these past two days. Sure the sources of all these sightings were drug addicts but the tips were still thought of as reliable. Why the weasel hadn't left the city yet was beyond the detectives' comprehension but it suited them fine to be able to themselves arrest him. Only fear was that he would try and come after Amanda again and they had put more detail on her during the night. Amanda's sister Justine was arriving later that day. They estimated it would take them 6 to 7 hours to drive depending on the speed they held. Liv got a text from the counselor that they left as early as planned though.

Back at the hospital Amanda was making slow but steady progress. Cragen got the word that she'd been able to talk, which of course Liv and Fin already knew, and they planned to talk to her a little later. Apparently they were running tests and scans on her this morning so the doctor had asked them to hold on just a little bit longer to make sure they didn't set her back in her recovery process. To pass time they all hit the streets to look for Eric. The narcotics unit was pushing a bust in Brooklyn forward this morning just in case they would get a lead on Eric and they detectives tagged along. As the narcotics unit rounded up their arrestees Fin, Liv and Nick went around with photos of Eric and asked if they'd seen him. Nick ran into a guy that had seen him buying drugs yesterday. He got the address and he and Fin drove by while Liv went back to the station.

They had a hard time first waking the pusher up and then to convince him that he wouldn't be in trouble if he just told them everything he knew about Eric. They got the name of the guy that had brought Eric to the pusher's door and with that they left him alone. They tried to locate the next guy but with no luck. They added his name to Eric's arrest warrant as a person of interest. Meanwhile Cragen got a go ahead from the hospital that they could talk to Amanda so Liv took her car and then passed Nick's so Fin could jump cars. She drove them to the hospital while Nick drove back to the station to wait for Amanda's sister to arrive. The counselor had expressed some concern over driving in the big city so Nick was on call to help her out if needed.

When they entered her hospital room they found Amanda sitting up in bed. Her mom was just stroking away her bangs from her face but it fell back down again. Gone were the white gas around her head, the oxygen line and the heart monitor. She was obviously doing great progress. Liv and Fin had run into the doctor outside and been told her memory still wasn't up to date and she was still weak so they needed to handle her with care even though she might act as she was doing well.  
"You lost your fancy headpiece," Fin smiled as he walked up to her and planted his lips on her forehead. She smiled shyly and as he rose back up she showed him the back of her head. Her hair was pulled back into a low ponytail but he could see the plaster coming through her hair.  
"You make it work," he smiled and let Liv pass so she could give Amanda a careful hug.  
"You look so much better. How do you feel?" she smiled and got a slight shrug of the shoulders as an answer from Amanda.  
"The doctor says she still needs peace and quiet," Bonnie interrupted from the same chair they'd caught her in last night. And again Jack was seated in the corner not saying anything.  
"We know. We ran into the doctor outside," Liv informed both Bonnie and Amanda. "But he has cleared you to answer some questions and we could really need your help Amanda. Are you up for it?" Liv asked. Bonnie started to object but Amanda nodded.  
"Are you sure sweetheart? It won't be too much for you? Oh I wish you'd cut your bangs," Bonnie said as she'd turned to her daughter and again stroked her hair away from her face. Fin cringed a little. He really didn't like her mother.  
"I'm fine mom," Amanda said with a low, hoarse voice.  
"We'll handle her with care Bonnie. Don't you worry," Liv smiled at the anxious mother. Jack had already risen to leave the room but Bonnie took her time. Once she'd finally left Liv went around to take her chair while Fin sat down on the foot of the bed. Reverse seats from last night.

They had both just been so relieved she was sitting up and breathing on her own it didn't dawn until they sat down and got a closer look at her what she really had gone through just days ago. The hospital gown didn't cover the bruises on her throat and neck. They could clearly see where Eric had put his hand. The gown went down over her upper arms but they saw the bruises further down and on her wrists even though she had her hands somewhat entwined into the cover. She was still getting nutrition and antibiotics through an IV. She had a glass of water with a straw and a, what looked to be untouched, bowl of some soup on her bed stand.  
"You just let us know if it gets too much for you okay?" Liv smiled as she picked up her notepad and she got a nod from Amanda.  
"Have your parents told you what they said in the interview we had with them?" Liv started with and was somewhat surprised when Amanda shook her head. "Nothing?" Another headshake. Liv couldn't read Amanda's face. "Okay then. We showed them the photo that we had from the footage in the alley and they identified him as Eric Salinger. Is that right? Is Eric the one that attacked you?" Liv got a nod as an answer. "And he was the one that attacked you in your apartment as well?" Amanda had held her eyes on Liv through her bangs but they fluttered up to Fin for a second before she answered with a nod. "When did he first contact you?" Amanda cleared her throat as she got ready to talk.  
"He came by the station this past Tuesday," she said as best she could. Her voice was really hoarse. Her eyes fluttered by Fin again. "We were out so he left a note with the desk sergeant. He wanted me to meet him in this bar." Amanda gave them the name and address of the bar.  
"That's close to your apartment. Did he know where you live?"  
"I didn't think so but I'm not sure."  
"So you went there?" Amanda nodded. "What happen?" Liv saw Amanda try and clear her throat again and asked if she needed some water. Amanda nodded and Liv handed her the glass.  
"Thanks," Amanda said as Liv helped her put the glass back on the bed stand. "He wanted to contact Justine. That's what he always wants."  
"When was the last time you saw him before that?" Amanda seemed to hesitate but then she said  
"Two months before I left for New York. Justine had been in treatment for a couple of months then."  
"Okay. I take it you never told him?" Amanda shook her head. Liv continued to ask what happen in the bar and then how they ended up by the alley.  
"What did you think would happen once he dragged you into the alley?" Liv asked but Amanda shrugged her shoulders. "What happen in the alley?"  
"He knocked me out rather quickly. I don't remember much." Liv wasn't sure she believed her, Fin was sure she wasn't being completely honest.  
"And what happen Thursday night?" Liv decided to just move on.  
"I went by the bar again."  
"The same one?" Amanda nodded. "Okay, go on."  
"I thought I could scare him off. Get him to leave the city, go back home."  
"But that didn't work," Liv said and it wasn't so much a question since they all knew it didn't end at the bar.  
"He might have followed me as I drove home. I don't know. I wasn't being careful enough so he might have. And then he was at my door."  
"What did he want?"  
"Wanted to know where Justine was and then he wanted money so he could go back home."  
"Did you give it to him?" Amanda nodded.  
"I kept the chains on the door but then he kicked the door in. I don't remember what happen after that."  
"Nothing?" Amanda shook her head at Liv's question.

She wasn't being completely honest. Sure her memory was still sketchy of what took place that night but she had started to remember more and more during the day. The doctor had told her that could happen. She tried to push it all back though. There was no way she would tell Liv, and especially Fin, what happen to her that night. Liv pulled out a photo and carefully placed it on Amanda's lap.  
"This is the latest photo of him we could find. Is it accurate?" Amanda picked it up and held it closer to her face. Fin watched her as she studied his photo. It pained him to see his partner having to go through this.  
"He usually wears his hair up. His eyes are more withdrawn now, and so are his cheeks. Think a really heavy addict. And he has a scar underneath his right eye." Amanda brought her hand up to her own face and showed them where his scar was located.  
"That's good," Liv took notes. "And at the bar, did you see him talk to anyone?"  
"Not Tuesday but on Thursday he sat at the bar and he was talking to the bartender when I arrived."  
"What did the bartender look like?"  
"He was maybe 5'9, a bit heavy built. Like muscular. His hair was auburn, short cut. He had an earring. He wore a washed out Stones tee. A tattoo on his upper left arm. Some tribal sign. Just a pattern."  
"Good. And were they talking as they were friends or just like a bartender talking up a customer?"  
"More than just a customer but I could be wrong."  
"It's worth checking up on," Liv said and smiled at her.  
"Do you know if he has any friends or contacts here in New York?" Amanda shook her head.  
"I never expected him to show up here."  
"We're going to make sure he never bothers you again Amanda."

Liv tried again to ask about Thursday night and if Eric had said anything that could be useful to them locating him. But Amanda insisted she had no memory from the time he knocked her door in. A nurse suddenly entered. Since she had entered with some speed she wasn't able to stop until she'd taken a few steps into the room. She realized she'd walked in on something.  
"Oh sorry. It's just… Amanda you need to..," the nurse stumbled at her words. Amanda knew what it was all about though. They had removed her catheter about an hour earlier and apparently it was important she went to the bathroom. She turned her head to Liv and while rolling her eyes with a shy smile she said  
"I need to run a bathroom errand."  
"Oh of course. I'll call this in meanwhile." Both Fin and Liv stood up.  
"I'm Cheryl by the way," the nurse smiled at them as she took the last few steps to Amanda's bed. The detectives said hi to the nurse.

Cheryl pulled out a movable stand and transferred the IV bag to it while Amanda with some effort managed to get her legs down on the side of the bed.  
"Maybe we should get some help…" Cheryl started as this was the first time Amanda would stand up since the attack.  
"We'll help," Fin offered, knowing Liv would too if needed and he stepped around the bed in a hurry. Cheryl smiled at him.  
"Great. Unfortunately this bathroom is out of service so we need to go across the hall. And since it's the first time Amanda's up we need to take it slow." Amanda and Fin exchanged a look. Slow wasn't a popular word for anyone of them. Cheryl bent down to put a pair of slippers on Amanda's feet. Fin could see bruises on her bare legs. Her gown wasn't completely down and it looked like she was wearing a pair of men's hospital boxers. A few sizes too large for her though.

He grabbed her arm as she got ready to put her feet down on the floor.  
"Okay take it easy now Amanda." Cheryl warned. "You know I'll get you a chair if you need to. Don't push yourself too hard." Fin had a hard time seeing Amanda giving up on this mission and held on tight to help her make it. He felt her sway a bit once her feet were down and her fingers tighten their grip around his arm. She grabbed a hold of the stand with the other hand.  
"Careful," Cheryl whispered. They remained there a while so Amanda could get her bearing. Then she tried to take her first step. Fin could feel how weak she was. Her legs trembled a bit and it moved up her body so he could feel it.  
"I'll better get a chair," Cheryl said but didn't get anywhere before Amanda spit out  
"Don't."

Fin held his breath as Amanda took another step forward. It went a little better. Cheryl watched her intensely. Liv had remained by the foot of the bed and was watching her too. She was happy to see Amanda had some spirit in her still, she would need a whole bunch of it to get through this ordeal. Slowly Amanda made her way to the door. Fin could tell she was trembling still and he was happy to see that she let him help her. Liv walked ahead and held the door open for them. Amanda hesitated in the door. She had a look up and down the corridor before she continued. Fin wasn't sure if she felt scared or if it was more a humiliating feeling to be seen by anyone in the state she was. He was by her side whatever was going on and ready to tackle whatever he had to to prove so.

They didn't have to go that far down the corridor though and Fin let Cheryl take over as they reached the bathroom. Fin and Liv took a familiar stance against the corridor wall.  
"I'll let Cragen check out the bar and that bartender," Liv said as she got her phone up. Cheryl came out and gave them a smile.  
"She might need some time in there. I'll be back in a while," she informed them and hurried down the corridor. Fin rested his head to the wall as he heard Liv reach their captain. He felt like closing his eyes for a second but didn't since he knew he was Amanda's detail for the moment. They had let the guards off for a bit and no one would get past Fin. Liv finished her call and hung up.  
"He'll check it. Maybe we'll get lucky with the bartender."  
"Maybe," Fin yawned. Liv looked at him with kind eyes.  
"How are you holding up?" she asked. He took a moment but then turned his head to her. He didn't say anything but gave her a smile.  
"Have you slept anything these past days?" she asked when she realized he wouldn't give her an answer.  
"Enough," he breathed and looked down the corridor.  
"Enough to stand up right eh?" she looked down the other side of the corridor. "But you know you need to take care of yourself to be able to care for her right?" Her eyes landed back on him again.  
"Yes mom," he said with a wink in his eye. She punched him on the arm. He was referring to a conversation they had a few weeks back were Liv expressed she was starting to feel old and how she didn't want to be known as the mother hen of the squad.

They were small talking about the case and whether there was something they were missing to ask Amanda about when Cheryl came wandering back. Fin smiled at her as she went by and he watched as she knocked carefully on the bathroom door before she entered. She soon came back out, smiled a bit strained and walked down the corridor again. Fin looked at his watch. She'd been in there a while now.  
"Probably the catheter or…" Liv started quietly and then faded out. Fin tried to take a deep breath to calm something stirring in his gut. Fin turned his eyes to the opposite wall.  
"I'm not sure what I'll do if I get my hands on him," he confessed silently. Liv just looked at him. She had wondered herself what she would do if she got the opportunity to stand face to face with Eric. They were both passionate detectives and would do a lot for the victims they tried to help. This time it wasn't just a victim though. It was a partner. She knew all to well what length Elliot had gone to to protect her at times. She now worried what length Fin would go to.  
"We'll make sure he gets what's coming to him. Don't forget there's a murder investigation we have to close too though. That victim's family wants justice too." He knew she was right but he still felt like squeezing the life out of the son of a bitch.

Cheryl came back a while later and repeated the procedure. This time though she didn't come out as quickly and when the door finally open she had Amanda with her. Fin got off the wall immediately and rushed to her side. Amanda smiled awkwardly at him and then at Liv. Liv smiled back at her and wished she could somehow make this easier for the young detective.  
"Slowly now," Cheryl said and Fin could almost feel Amanda's irritation through her skin and on to his. He gave her arm a squeeze and their eyes met briefly.  
"Last one's a rotten egg," he whispered and her nostrils gave away the smile she tried to hide. Liv couldn't hear but saw that the two detectives shared something that amused them both. She got off the wall to go open the door for them. She spotted Nick coming through the doors further down the corridor and she curiously gazed past him to his entourage.


	18. Chapter 18

Fin was so concentrated on Amanda he didn't notice they were getting company until Amanda froze mid step in the middle of the corridor. He looked up at her and then followed her eyes down the corridor. "Jade." He heard her whisper as he laid eyes on the group coming at them. Nick came walking down the corridor followed by Amanda's parents and two unknown women. As they got closer there was no guessing who of the unknowns that was Amanda's sister though. Even though she looked more than five years older, more than ten to be honest, the family resemblance was there. The only facial detail separating them other than the age difference was the nose. Her sister had clearly inherited the father's slanting nose while Amanda had her mother's button nose. They had the same blonde hair, Justine had let hers grow out wilder though. Justine's face got a happier tone once she saw her little sister. There were no rushing down the corridor throwing herself around Amanda's neck but she clearly looked happier once she spotted her.

Amanda looked more shocked than happy though Fin noticed as he felt her grip loosen around his arm and he looked over at her. He still took a few steps away as Justine got closer and raised her arms as to hug her sister. No one said anything for a while. Everyone around just watched the two sisters hug. Liv felt some happiness as she saw the reunion and hoped maybe Justine could be the support Amanda needed but wasn't getting from her parents. Nick felt as though he was intruding but still couldn't take his eyes off them. Fin felt a bit worried about Amanda's initial response but hoped the visit would do her good. There was no one that didn't understand by now just the length Amanda had gone to to protect her sister. Her love for her was infinite. To the point she'd sacrifice herself to keep her unharmed.

To a passing stranger this would probably look like a happy family reunion. Maybe that's what Cheryl saw as she stood just a step behind the two. But to Amanda it didn't feel like one. Her gut was turning, her mind grinding and her skin started to crawl.  
"What are you doing here?" she whispered into her sister's ear. Justine picked up on the fear in her sister's voice and let her go slightly so she could look her in the eyes. "You shouldn't have come here," Amanda whispered but Fin could hear her and Liv felt something was wrong.  
"I wanted to see you," Justine whispered back. Her hands were resting on Amanda's arms and now she put one hand on her sister's cheek in a sweet gesture.  
"You should go back. Go back home Justine." Amanda's voice got a bit higher with the frantic that started to pour out of her body. She saw Liv take a few steps to them and she took a step around Justine so to hide from Liv and Justine's hand fell from her face.  
"Go home Justine." Amanda said so everyone could hear her. Her parents had no idea what was going on with their otherwise so composed daughter and they stood paralyzed in the corridor.

Justine shook her head as she wasn't following.  
"Go home. Right now. Turn around and go home." Amanda was getting very agitated very fast. Fin and Liv were right there and Amanda grabbed a hold of her sister's arms. "Go. Run Jade." Amanda pulled away from Fin's hand as he reached for her and she pulled her sister with her around. She'd let go of the IV stand but the line pulled it after her. Justine looked anxious.  
"Run Jade!" Amanda said out loud and pulled her sister with her to get away from Fin and Liv who stepped in to calm her down. Nick came around on the other side of the corridor and blocked her way though. Amanda looked wildered as she looked around for a way out with her sister. When she saw no exit she got panicked.

"They'll get you on drug charges Justine. You have to run now." Amanda stepped right into her sister's face. Fin got a hold of Amanda's arm.  
"No I'm clean. I promise." Justine turned to Fin and pleaded.  
"It's okay Justine. We're not here about any drug charges." Fin tried but Amanda kept insisting she had to run. Justine looked over at her parents and then over at her counselor who'd stepped up to them on the other side to be of assistance if needed.  
"They're lying. You have to run Jade." Amanda managed to scream with her hoarse voice.  
"Calm down Amanda." Liv tried as Fin placed his hands around her waist and tried to wheel her in. Amanda tried to get away without letting go of her sister but Fin didn't budge. Liv tried to get her to release her sister by putting her hands over Amanda's and carefully bending them off.

"No." Her hoarse scream sounded down the corridor as Fin and Liv managed to get her away from her sister.  
"Nick will you get them to a room." Liv hinted with her head towards Justine and her counselor as she held on to Amanda's wrist so she wouldn't manage to grab a hold of her sister again.  
"No. Don't." Amanda screamed and got even more agitated. She fanned around with her arms and legs and Liv lost her grip. The IV tube got ripped from her arm and the stand fell to the ground as Amanda's leg hit it. Fin had her deadlocked though. She didn't seem to want to injure someone but more just reach her sister. Nick guided Justine and her counselor further down the corridor. Amanda just screamed and as Liv was positioned right in front of her and looked her straight in the eyes she saw it. This wasn't detective Rollins. This wasn't the detective who'd worked by their side for almost a year. This was a child. This was fourteen year old Amanda so desperately wanting to have her life and her sister back. It tore Liv's heart apart as the screams got even more desperate.

"She really can't get this agitated," Nurse Cheryl complained. "It's not good for her," she continued but didn't seem like she knew what to do about it. Other nurses and people had gathered in the corridor to watch the commotion. Fin started to move backwards to her room so she wouldn't be so exposed to their looks. He kicked away the IV stand who laid in the way. Liv tried talking Amanda down but to no use. Liv saw the frantic looks on the parent's faces and turned to them  
"We got her. Don't worry. Get out of here for a while." Jack collected his ex wife and pulled her down the corridor to where they'd just arrived from. Fin had reached the door and pushed it open with his back. Amanda grabbed a hold of the door frame though and held on for dear life as she continued screaming her sister's name. Before she'd gone back and forth from Jade and Justine but now it was constantly Jade.

Liv helped bend Amanda's fingers off the frame and they could finally disappear into the privacy of her room. Cheryl came after them and continued her nagging about how she needed to calm down. Liv turned and looked her straight in the eyes as she said  
"You're not really helping right now. Let us deal with her. Okay?" Liv tried to sound softer as she finished and she nodded at the nurse who finally gave her a nod in reply and then turned to leave. Fin had backed down to the wall and tried to get her down on the floor with him. Liv came forward and sat down by their side. She couldn't be of much help right now and just watched as Fin as carefully as he could put her to the ground. Amanda's screams had lowered but tears were still streaming and she had a face that still tore at Liv's heart.

Once on the ground Amanda fought to get loose and ended up in the corner by Fin's side. She turned her back to them and buried her face in her arms as she bent forward. Her hair had gotten loose in the turmoil and fell forward and the patch at the back of her head became more prominent. Fin stayed put and just made sure she did the same. He took a few deep breaths as things finally seemed to calm down. He met Liv's eyes and she tried a smile at him. She too had to take a deep breath. That had been intense. She raised her eyebrow and nodded at him. He closed his eyes briefly and nodded back to her. He had her. Liv should go deal with the sister. She reached out and touched his arm before she stood up and carefully backed out of the room. She told a nurse outside to make sure no one went in there for a while and to tell Cheryl the same. And to get the guards back on duty. Liv made her way down the corridor to find Nick and Justine.

A nurse further down the corridor told Liv where the other detective had taken the two ladies. Liv followed her directions and soon found them. Liv was relieved to find the room calm and the people in it somewhat at peace. Nick actually looked like the one most anxious. He rose as soon as Liv entered and seemed very relieved to see her. Justine and her counselor sat on a couch by the wall. Liv stepped to them with a smile on her face and extended her hand to Justine who sat closes to her.

"Hi there. I'm Olivia Benson."  
"I'm Justine," the blonde said and sounded just like Amanda. On a day when she wasn't hoarse and frantic that is.  
"So nice to meet you Justine. Hi. Olivia." Liv took the counselors hand.  
"Corinne. We spoke yesterday," said the brunette with the big brown eyes and sincere smile on her lips.  
"So that was a bit intense," said Liv as she sat down on a chair across the table from them. Nick sat down next to her. She could see he'd fix them some water that sat on the table between them.

"How is she?" Justine asked with worry in her voice.  
"She settled down. She'll be okay." Liv reached for a water bottle and took a zip straight from it.  
"Why didn't she want me here?" Justine asked next and Liv looked at her seriously wondering just how sincere she could be. Justine looked very composed. Not at all as Liv had pictured her. She figured maybe the medication made her relaxed but she could see honest concern in her eyes so she wasn't all jaded. Liv looked briefly at the counselor and then back at Justine.

"I think it's because there's some things Amanda doesn't want you to know."  
"What?" Justine wanted to know. Liv's eyes went by Corinne again and this time the counselor nodded at her as a go ahead to whatever she was thinking.  
"You know that it was Eric that attacked her right?" Justine nodded.  
"Was it cause he wanted to know where I was?" It was Liv's time to nod. The room was silent for a while until Justine spoke again.  
"What else did he do to her?" Justine suddenly said. Liv had underestimated Justine. Liv took another zip of the water and then put the bottle down on the table. She looked at Justine and told her  
"He raped her." Justine's face didn't change much but her eyes dropped to the table. Liv wasn't sure how to proceed. Corinne watched Justine closely.  
"Are you okay Justine?" Liv asked and got eye contact with her again. Justine nodded briefly.  
"There's more I have to tell you," Liv said honestly. Justine looked scared but still as though she wanted to know. Corinne put her hand out and Justine immediately took it and squeezed it. Liv looked at Corinne who met Liv's eyes and nodded.  
"It's okay. You're here to help your sister right Justine?" Corinne said and Justine nodded. "Go ahead Olivia." Liv was happy the counselor was there.

"Do you remember a weekend when you came home from college? It was just weeks away from your 20th birthday. Your parents were going out and they left you alone with Amanda. She was fourteen. You were going to plan your birthday party. Do you remember?" It looked like Justine was thinking hard.  
"I remember my birthday party. I'm not sure about that weekend though."  
"Okay. You'd promised your parents no drugs in the house and Eric was banned but when they came home they found him there and you were passed out on a couch."  
"I don't remember that," Justine whispered.  
"Your parents found Amanda in their bedroom. I'm sorry to have to tell you this Justine but Eric had raped her." Justine immediately looked up at Corinne who just held her eyes with her own. Liv could see tears in Justine's eyes.  
"Your parents decided not to call the police. They covered it up. They didn't tell anyone what had happen."  
"Why wouldn't they call the police?" Justine said without letting go of Corinne's eyes.  
"They wanted to protect you. And Amanda. They didn't want anyone to find out about your drug habit and they wanted to save Amanda from getting a reputation."  
"They acted wrong." Liv wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement but agreed with her.  
"Yes they acted wrong. They let Eric get away with a horrific crime."  
"He would have gone to jail."  
"Yes he would have."  
"He deserves to be in jail."  
"Yes he does," Liv agreed again with Justine. Liv thought about starting to ask her if she knew where he could be at but Justine went first.

"I was jealous," she said with a lowered voice.  
"What?" Liv asked. Justine let go of Corinne's eyes and looked over the table at Liv.  
"I was jealous. After he'd met her the first time he told me she was like a younger prettier version of me. It made me jealous. Every time we'd seen her he kept telling me how pretty she was, what a gorgeous face she had, an athletic body and things like that. I should have known but I was just jealous."  
"Don't blame yourself Justine. Your parents were the adults here."  
"But she was just fourteen. I was her big sister."  
"Were. You still are her big sister Justine."  
"He was my first. And hers. That's just sick." Justine looked back at Corinne as tears started to dwell over and Corinne nodded at her. "I think I should have known. He had a photo of her in his wallet." Corinne put her other hand over Justine's as well and held on to her tight.

Justine looked back at Liv. She looked guilt ridden.  
"Why didn't she tell me?" she asked but Liv couldn't answer that.  
"I don't know Justine. Your parents never talked to her about what happen. They just covered it up."  
"Just so no one would know about my addiction." Justine looked down, shame weighing heavy on her shoulders.  
"And to keep Amanda from getting a reputation. And probably cause they themselves couldn't handle it being a public issue." Liv tried to ease the sister's burden. Justine looked back up and starred intensely at Liv.  
"You didn't know either?" she asked and Liv shook her head. "Did it happen often?" she asked and Liv could feel Nick's eyes on her as well.  
"We don't know. Yet," she answered sincerely. Both Liv and Nick knew Amanda would have to give a full statement once this got to court. No one knew, or wanted to think about, what toxic web that would untangle.

Liv gave Justine some time to collect herself and then went over to the task at hand.  
"Do you know where Eric could be hiding out here in New York? Does he have any friends or family around here?" Justine shook her head.  
"No family. But I thought hard during the car ride over here and I remember that his friend moved here a couple of years ago. Dale Harris."  
"Was Dale a drug addict too?" Liv asked and Justine nodded.  
"Yes. All of Eric's friends have some kind of substance abuse. And knowing Dale, it's not 'was', he probably still is." Liv asked Justine what type of drugs Eric and his friends used to do and got a long list from her. They also got a list of Eric's closest friends. The once he himself called his inner circle. Liv also asked if Justine knew of any crimes Eric had committed and she did. They had broken in to stores and homes and taken items that they later could sell to get money for drugs. Eric was smart though, he only took a few things so at times people didn't even know they had been burglarized.

Justine didn't know anything about the store robbery in Druid Hills that happen just about the same time as they first started dating. Liv didn't go into the grim details of that robbery. Justine did tell them though that he never carried a gun during robberies. Maybe because he learnt a lesson back in 1997 Liv thought to herself. Justine did know that he could handle a gun though and it wasn't impossible that he could be carrying a weapon around. They got back to Eric's friend Dale and learnt he'd moved to work in a bar that his relative owned. Liv mentioned the bar Amanda had met Eric at and Justine thought it sounded familiar but wasn't completely sure it was the same one. They rounded off the interview and Justine asked if she could see her sister.


	19. Chapter 19

Meanwhile back in Amanda's hospital room she'd started begging as soon as Liv had left.  
"Please Fin. Stop her. Let Justine go home." She'd kept her back to him and had her head down. He could tell by her voice she was crying. He kept quiet and kept his eyes on the back of her head. He didn't know how to help her and it scared him. He saw her wipe her face with the back of her hands and then she turned her head slightly so she could see him out of the corner of her eyes.  
"Fin please? Don't let them tell her." Her eyes looked so sad and he wished he could just wipe it all away for her.  
"Please don't let her know?"  
"I'm sorry Amanda," he said quietly. He saw her lower lip start to shiver as her eyes tear up again.  
"No Fin. Stop it. Please. For me. Please do it for me," she turned slightly more towards him and he could see her clinch her fists in her lap. Desperation grew in her eyes again as he shook his head at her.

"But you don't understand. She can relapse. Go off her meds and fall again. That can't happen Fin. Please don't send her back down again," she pleaded and he watched her closely. He wasn't sure if it was true concern or a defense she used to keep the truth from her sister. He figured a little bit of both. It didn't matter though, he knew what he believed was right and again he shook his head. He intervened before she could say anything else  
"It's time to stop hiding now. You've protected your sister long enough. It's time someone protects you."  
"But…" she tried but he interrupted.  
"Enough Amanda. You've sacrificed enough. Give your sister a chance to step up."  
"No," she cried and then turned back to the wall.

She kicked her bare feet in the wall as she growled. The hospital slippers were long gone. She put her fists to her temples and started pouring out curse words in between growling and puffing. Fin watched her, ready to jump in if she hurt herself or if it went on for too long. He too had seen the fourteen year old in her and she kept peaking out now. The weirdest thing to him was that it didn't feel weird. It felt like a normal reaction for someone who held such a dark secret inside for so long. It hurt him though to see her in pain like this. He just started thinking he had to intervene, he knew without nurse Cheryl telling him that it wasn't good for her to get so worked up right now, but then she seemed to calm down. She let her hands down and put them around her head as she fell forward into her own knees again. He could tell by her back that she was still sobbing even though he couldn't hear anything.

He kept watching her. He felt like reaching out and touching her but he knew he had to wait. He looked at her hands on top of her head. There were still traces of the alley attack on her knuckles. Maybe she reinjured them in her apartment as well. Her hair looked shiny and clean now. Nothing like when he'd seen them carry her out on the street a few days ago. Then it had looked wet with red stains of blood in it. He saw bruises on her arm and wrist that looked like they were made when someone held on to her too tight. Her hospital gown looked too big for her and her boxers were peaking out where she sat. Her legs were bruised too. Her body looked like a bad game of connect the dots. He looked at her tiny feet. She sported two black toenails on her right foot. She'd truly fought tooth and nail.

She felt as she just wanted to crawl into a ball and disappear. Why did this have to happen now? When everything was going good. Why did he have to come here and destroy it all? Now everyone would know. She would never get away from it and it made her so angry. She could feel him watching her. She'd felt like hitting him and then like hugging him. What did he think of her right now? That she was weak? A victim? She just felt like dying. Her tears had dried up again. She felt strangely drained but still with rage in her core. She let her head up so she could breathe better. She took a few deep breaths and she could feel his eyes on her. She put her arms underneath her legs and bundled herself up. She turned her head to him and peaked at him through her hair. He had no hair to hide behind nor did he feel like he needed anything to hide behind. He wanted her to see him.

"Will you kill him for me?" she whispered and there were no hiding the sincerity in her voice. The room fell silent as he watched every inch of her face carefully.  
"Do you want me to?" he then asked with the same sincerity. They held each other's eyes intensely. If there ever was a moment to use the phrase 'you could touch the intensity in the air' this was it. It looked as though she was getting ready to say something when they were interrupted by a light knock on the door and Cheryl peeked inside.  
"I know I was told to stay away but Amanda really needs to get her IV back in." The nurse didn't even wait for a clearance and pushed the IV stand inside. Amanda had broken their gaze once the knock sounded but Fin didn't look away until now.

He watched Cheryl, knew it was her job but still thought to himself that her timing really sucked. The nurse avoided his eyes, probably because he wouldn't hide his raw feelings. She headed straight to Amanda. She put down the supplies she was carrying on the floor as she knelt down by Amanda's side. She grabbed Amanda's arm even though she tried to pull it away from her. Fin rested his head back on the wall while Cheryl cleaned up Amanda's arm, put a new needle in and then hooked her up to the IV bag. She then checked on Amanda's head. The patch had stayed put.  
"Can I help you back in your bed?" Cheryl asked but Amanda shook her head. "Then can I at least get a blanket or a robe for you?"  
"I'm fine." Amanda whispered annoyed. Cheryl sighed and then looked over Amanda's head in hope of getting some support from Fin. He just shrugged his shoulders at her and the nurse finally gave up and walked out.

It took a while but then Amanda peeked up at him. He already had his head turned to her and their eyes met again. Once she spoke it came out as a whisper and sounded as important as the best kept secret  
"I don't want you to do something that can get you in to trouble." He thought about what she'd just said and then said quietly  
"If I get the opportunity I'll shot him." She managed to look scared, relieved and exhausted all at once. As the realization of what they'd just agreed upon hit her though she didn't know how to feel any longer. Could there really be a life without Eric for her? And once the threat was gone would she have anything to fight for? What would keep her going then? The thoughts that kept popping up terrified her.

She felt tears stream back to her eyes and she started to tremble. He could tell and couldn't just sit there any longer. He carefully moved a little bit closer to her. She'd broken their gaze but he could see some fear in her eyes as he reached for her. She didn't move though as he carefully put one hand around her neck and slowly pulled her towards him. He placed his other hand around her when she was in reach. He felt some resistance but still kept pulling her to him and once her head reached his chest he could feel her relax into him. As he snaked his arm around her body it was like a tap being released and her body started shaking with the outpour of tears. He could feel her fists grabbing on to his shirt and a spot by her eyes soon became moist and warm. He held her as hard as he dared to. The room was silent except from the sobs that escaped her throat every now and then.

Once she started to calm down and the trembling subsided he tried to not hold on too tight. One of his arms was occupied holding her head and back but the other one was free for him to do whatever with and he started to stroke her hair gently. He was careful so not to go over the patch in the back of her head. He bent down and kissed the top of her head before he leaned his head back onto the wall. He'd felt her fists loosen and she just lay peacefully in his embrace. Even though he felt drained it was a good moment for him and he wished they could sit there for a long, long time. It felt like no one could touch them there. For a while they could just be safe in the moment. The past was the past. He would make sure she would not have to relive anything else like that. He didn't know what the future would hold but Eric would not be in hers. That he would make sure of.

They stayed there for a long time and it felt like she was starting to drift off to sleep when he heard a gentle knock on the door. Liv peeked in and her eyes looked for them once she didn't spot them by the bed. Once she found them still in the spot she'd left them in she smiled at him.  
"Can her sister come in?" Liv whispered. Amanda had heard her though and stirred in his arm. He helped her to sit up and Liv let Justine and Corinne pass her. Justine rushed to her sister, the way Fin had wished she could have swept in once they first met out in the corridor earlier. Once Justine was on the ground she grabbed her sister at the same time as Amanda grabbed her sister's waist. They both started sobbing loudly.  
"My sweet sweet Amber." Justine managed to say in between sobs. Fin backed away and got up on his feet. The moment felt very intimate. Corinne gave Fin a smile and a nod as she slid down the wall a few yards away from them. She'd take over from there. Liv stood teary-eyed in the doorway, he moved over to her and they both sneaked out of there to give the sisters some privacy.

Nick was waiting outside and the guard was back in his chair. Fin had to take a roundabout in the corridor to get blood back to his feet. Liv drew a deep breath meanwhile.  
"How is she holding up?" Nick asked once Fin faced them again. He looked at the young detective not really sure how to answer him.  
"A whole a lot better once we get this SOB off the streets," came his answer shortly thereafter. Nick nodded in agreement.  
"You got anything?" Fin's turn to ask. Nick nodded while Liv answered.  
"Some names. A possible link to the bar they met at."  
"Good."  
"Yeah. I wanna put a stakeout on that bar and head back to the station to look through those names," she pointed to the pad Nick was holding. "You wanna come with us or…" Liv looked to the door Amanda was behind.  
"I think I just wanna make sure she's okay. Then I'll head back in," he looked back and met Liv's eyes as she nodded sympathetically.  
"Take my car. I'll ride in with Nick," she said as she got her keys up and then handed them to Fin. He smiled at her. Liv gave him a hug before they left and Nick gave him some knuckles.

Fin went down the corridor to the floor desk and asked if he could get some water anywhere. The friendly nurse behind the desk disappeared for a while and then came back with a bottle of water for him.  
"Are you hungry too?" she asked but he turned her down gently even though he was. For once his stomach had to give way for more important things. He went back to her room but waited outside. He leaned against the wall opposite the door and small talked with the guard. It would take a while but then suddenly the door open and Corinne peaked outside. She immediately pinned her eyes on Fin and smiled at him.  
"You look like you're strong. I have two very exhausted sisters in there and I need help getting at least one of them off the floor." Her eyes were big and with a touch of mischievousness in them. Fin didn't know why, or how she'd earned it, but he liked her. He hurried to get off the wall and over to her.

As he entered he saw Justine turn her head towards him. They had moved slightly from where he'd left them. Justine still had her arms around her sister but Amanda's had fallen to the floor. She was wiped out. Fin could see on Justine's face there had been many tears. Her eyelashes were still wet and so were her upper lip. Fin squatted down next to them. Justine helped him get his arm underneath her sister's head. Corinne moved the IV stand so he could get his other arm underneath her knees. He lifted her just slightly off the floor so Justine could untangle from the IV line and her sister's hair. Once that was done Fin rose. Even though he was tired he had no trouble lifting her. He made sure Corinne came after them with the IV stand. He went around the bed and slowly put Amanda's sleeping form down. Justine came up on the other side of the bed and helped him remove the blanket from underneath her and sweep it over her. Corinne got the IV stand in place while Justine stroked her sister's hair out of her face.

"You're Fin," Justine said quietly. Fin nodded.  
"You're my sister's partner. You're a good man," she said just as quietly.  
"I try to be," he said and managed a smile. Her face had been blank but then she suddenly smiled back at him. He could really see the family resemblance once she smiled. Once he'd made sure Amanda was safely tucked down and Corinne said they would stay with her he felt as though he could leave her. He didn't really want to but at the same time he wanted to track Eric down and perhaps deliver on a promise he'd made. He wasn't sure though how he felt about the fact that he felt oddly numb about executing this promise.

Once he got back to the station Nick, who was the first one Fin ran into, quickly informed him what they had so far. Dale Harris was a longtime friend of Eric. He'd moved to New York three years ago to get away from some hassle with the law in Atlanta. His uncle had a bar in Queens. The same one Amanda and Eric had met at. Judging by the description Amanda had given to them of the bartender this was not Dale though. They had put an undercover car across the street from the bar while they tried to track down Dale. He had been evicted from his apartment a few months back apparently so they had no address to him as of yet. They had put another car outside Dale's uncle's home though in case he was giving him shelter too these days. Later that night that stakeout would pay off. Unfortunately the police gave themselves away too soon though so Dale and Eric managed to get away. Fin was furious but at least they had a solid sighting.

During the night the narcotics would help them track down Dale's friends. Cragen ordered the team to take a break for the night. Fin went by the hospital. Amanda was sound asleep but since the family had gone back to the hotel for the night he stayed and slept in the chair by her bed. He woke up twice during the night as she was haunted by nightmares. He managed to get her back to sleep both times without waking her up and he felt good about being there. He left early, before she woke, and went back in to the station. He got in touch with his old friend from narcotics and got the latest news. Dale and Eric were keeping out of sight but it felt like they were closing in on them and they would soon run out of places to hide.


	20. Chapter 20

**So here's the rest of the story. I didn't want to leave you hanging with the final chapters (I know how irritating that is) so I finished them all at once. There's a SWAT team making an appearance but I have no idea if that's the right procedure for a situation like that but I just love the word SWAT and it felt cool to use. Bare with me. Hope you like the finish...**

**XXX**

It was getting close to noon when Fin decided to drive by the hospital to show Amanda some photos from the bar. They still weren't sure who the bartender was that Eric had talked to the other night. It wasn't that crucial but he felt the need to see her and even though he was used to doing the legwork it was draining in this case. He wanted Eric off the streets now. As he walked in to her room Bonnie was just helping Amanda get a pair of pants on and Fin immediately turned his head in the polite manner that was proper when a woman was getting dressed.  
"No worry Fin." Bonnie said in a happy tone. "We're just putting things over her gown to cover it up some. I've managed to talk her into having lunch down in the cafeteria with us you see." Fin dared to turn back around. Justine and Corinne were in there too and he nodded a hello to them. He then met Amanda's eyes. She looked at ease but as though her mother had talked her into something she really didn't want to do.

"I don't know what to do about this though." Bonnie took a swipe at her IV line as she had picked up the sweater.  
"Take my cardigan." Justine offered and started to take it off. "You can just put it over your shoulders," Justine helped her get her hair out after she'd draped her sister's shoulder with it.  
"Perfect. If we could just…" Bonnie stroke her bangs away but Amanda had enough.  
"Mom," she begged.  
"Could I just have a moment with Amanda? It won't take long," Fin asked.  
"Has something happen?" Bonnie asked concerned. Fin shook his head.  
"I just want to show her some mug shots." They eventually left them alone and Fin stepped over to her. She held out her hands like in a 'don't I look grand' gesture and he smiled at her.  
"You make everything work."

She sat down on her bed and he pulled out some photos. She looked through them.  
"It's him," she said as she spotted the bartender from the other night and gave the pile back to him with the right mug shot on top.  
"Matt." Fin whispered as he took them from her. "I'll text Liv," he got his phone up.  
"Where you here last night?" She suddenly asked and he looked up at her briefly before he hit send. He nodded as he put his phone down. He watched her.  
"Good. I thought I was going crazy. Or crazier," she shyly smiled.  
"You're far from crazy," he smiled but it didn't seem to convince her.  
"You've met my family?" she said and looked at him from underneath her bangs with a questionable face.  
"I can _see_ the family resemblance but I can't feel it."  
"You're saying that to be nice right," she said with some wit but he could hear the honesty in there too.  
"When am I ever nice?" he said and winked at her. She didn't smile though and he got concerned.

"You're not crazy Amanda," he said with a serious face.  
"How do you know?" she looked like she could cry but kept it in.  
"I've worked by your side for almost a year now. I'd know."  
"But you didn't know," she said quickly and kept her head down. He knew what she was hinting at.  
"Hey," he said to get her to look up at him. "That doesn't make _you_ crazy Amanda. He's the fucked up one. And your parents to some extent. Not you. The fact that you managed to keep it inside for so long proves you got some kick ass defense mechanism working for you and that's actually a sane thing. Not necessarily a good thing but still sane." It looked like he was winning her over.  
"Once we get him off the street, out of your life and you out of here we'll get you the help you need to move on. Anything you need."  
"But what if I have what my sister has?" Again she kept her eyes off him. He wasn't sure how to answer that but tried anyway.  
"I'm no expert, far from it, but I just can't imagine that would be the case. And what if? Not that I can say I know your sister but from what I've seen of her she doesn't seem that bad."  
"She's medicated," Amanda whispered.  
"We'll deal with it okay?" He had to repeat okay once more before he got her to look at him. She tried a smile but he could tell this was something that worried her.

"Come here!" he said and pulled her up before she could object. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. First she felt stiff in his arms and he feared he'd gone too far. When her arms snaked around his waist a moment later though he relaxed.  
"We better head out before your mom starts eating her offspring," he said after about a minute. He could feel the chuckle in her body just before he let her go. He couldn't help himself and touched her cheek just briefly as he stepped away from her.  
"You'll be fine," he said as he got down on the floor to help her get her slippers on. They headed outside. She didn't need more than the support from the IV stand today even though he could tell she still moved somewhat restricted. That probably had something to do with the grim workout she got yesterday as frantic overtook her body and paid no respect to pain. He held the door open for her but Amanda didn't even make it outside before her mom had come up by her side to grab her arm for support.

He decided to ride down with them. The guard at the door and then the guard at the elevator rode down with them too. Amanda wasn't thrilled about all the fuzz but tried to hide it. The entourage filled the whole elevator. Her mom kept insisting to hold on to her arm and Justine stood on her other side. Her dad kept in the background as usual. Corinne stood next to Fin while the guards took position by the door.  
"Are you gonna eat too?" Corinne asked Fin.  
"How's the food?" he asked since he felt hungry.  
"For a hospital cafeteria not bad actually."  
"Okay. I'll grab something then," he met Amanda's eyes briefly. She gave him a smile before she looked away. Then he met mom's eyes and they weren't so much smiling. It looked like she didn't want him to interfere with their family lunching. He wasn't planning to either but he wasn't going to tell her that in advance.

The guards remained at the door while the family went to stand in line. Fin let Corinne pass and as he picked out a steady snack he kept an eye on Amanda and the interaction with her mom. Bonnie really was an unbearable mother in his eyes. At least to a daughter like Amanda. She didn't need or want the fuzz she kept stirring. Sure this situation was special and strained but he had a feeling this was her usual way. Maybe it was a result of the wrong doing in the past? Maybe she tried to make amends for one time when her daughter really needed her and she wasn't there to do the right thing? Once Fin had gone through the cashier the family had taken a table further in. A table for four. He spotted Corinne by a window table and headed over there with his tray.  
"Can I?" he asked. She immediately pushed out the opposite chair with her foot as she said:  
"Please." He sat down with a smile on his face.

He unwrapped his meaty sandwich as he threw a few looks Amanda's way. He felt a need to make sure she was doing okay. Bonnie and Justine seemed to be the ones talking while Bonnie was doing something over at Amanda's plate. Amanda seemed to just deal with it. He met Corinne's smiling eyes as he went back to focus on his task at hand, to get food in his system. She too had some sandwich on her plate.  
"How long are you staying in town for?" he asked after he'd swallowed his first bite. Corinne shrugged her shoulders.  
"Not sure really. We weren't sure how she would adjust to the change of scenery along with the stressful news but she's dealing rather well with it actually. She had to step up. In a twisted way it's been good for her I think." He could tell on Corinne's face she was afraid to step over the line but Fin got it. It wasn't a situation anyone of them wanted for anyone in the Rollins family but since they were here there was nothing wrong to see at least something good come out of it.

They ate under silence for a while but Fin was thinking about something. He decided to try it out.  
"You're a shrink right?"  
"Not quite there yet but that's what I'm aiming for," she answered with a smile.  
"Can I ask you something?"  
"Shoot. Oh that wasn't even funny", she mumbled and he had to smile. He looked over at Amanda and got serious.  
"How do I help her best?" Corinne looked over at her too and then their eyes met back at the table.  
"Nothing but the truth right?" she asked and Fin nodded.  
"She's gonna need an ass load of couch time. Her parents didn't really help her at all. But that's not your job," she looked at him with a friendly but serious face. "I think you're already doing your part. Have her back, be ready to listen once she's ready to talk about it. The hard part will maybe be when she's feeling really fragile and whether you should push or not." Corinne took a pause.  
"But I have a feeling perhaps you are the one that will know that the best. Probably even better than her herself." She gave him a smile.

Fin caught himself thinking he wished she could be the one that would "shrink" Amanda. Damn, he himself could see himself actually opening up to her. His thoughts got interrupted by his phone.  
"Excuse me," he said as he saw Olivia's name in the window. "Hey Liv," he answered quickly. "Aha." "Okay." "Where?" "I'll be there." He was already standing.  
"I'm sorry but I have to run. We might have him," he took a step to leave but stopped and turned his head to her.  
"Thanks. For the advice," he said and got a big smile back.  
"Any time Fin," she said and he headed out. He caught Amanda's eye as he passed a few tables away and he gave her a quick smile and a nod. He had a feeling she knew why he was in such a rush. Fin nodded at the guards as he almost ran out of there.

The bartender had turned out to be the best lead. His address was a well-known drug spot and once they'd sent two detectives from narcotics over to check it out they'd run into both Eric and Dale in the staircase. At least three men were now trapped in the apartment with the police outside. They were clearing the floor as Munch, Nick and Liv arrived. Cragen was en route, he would take the lead. Just as Cragen arrived the bartender Matt came out of the apartment with his hands in the air. A couple of uniforms cuffed him and took him downstairs so Cragen could hear him. Fin arrived just as Matt spilled that Eric, Dale and a guy named Spencer was still in the apartment. And they had guns.  
"They are only protecting some drugs. That's all. It's just…" Fin interrupted Matt by coming at his throat.  
"That's not it. He raped my partner. Eric is a fucking psychopath." Fin screamed as Liv and Nick pulled him off. Cragen told everyone to calm down.  
"Matt, are they on something?" Cragen asked the stunned bartender. He nodded. Cragen rubbed his forehead.  
"Okay. Liv. Nick. Go up there with SWAT and see if you can make contact."  
"I'm going too captain." Fin said immediately. Cragen looked at him seriously for a couple of seconds and then gave him a nod.  
"But remember we want to get them out alive. Especially Eric."

They all got vests on and then headed out to the SWAT leader to have a look at the building plan. He showed them the apartment after that. They had managed to get a camera under the door and through the window next doors and had a fairly good view of where they were hiding out in the apartment. The third guy, Spencer, seemed to be the jumpiest of them. Liv soon got a sheet handed to her with his records. He had numerous assault and drug charges on him. She read the list out loud. Assault with a deadly weapon and attempt to murder were on there. To top it all off he had a warrant out for his arrest for failure to appear in court on his latest drug charge. They already knew Dale's rap sheet. It was only a step lighter than Spencer's. And then they had Eric. The one whose brain probably helped him escape the law for this long. It felt like they had a deadly combination facing them in that apartment.

They took the stairs up to the third floor. They had decided downstairs that Liv would take point and try to initialize a dialog so she was now in front only preceded by a SWAT member. Once at the door the SWAT team got ready with their shields before Liv knocked on the door.  
"Eric? Eric Salinger?" she called out. She'd been scared once they headed up the stairs but now adrenalin was pumping and all she could think of was bringing this guy in so he could stand trial for what he'd put their partner through. They got no answer so Liv tried once more.  
"Eric? My name is detective Olivia Benson. I'd like to talk to you. Can you hear me Eric?" They knew the walls were thin and even though they were two rooms away they should be able to hear her.  
"We don't want to talk to no cop," came a voice from the inside. They had no idea which one it was.

"Get out of here. Leave us alone," the voice continued.  
"We can't do that. Who is this I'm talking to? Dale? Spencer?" The second after a gunshot came through the door and everyone hunched down. Liv caught both Fin's and Nick's eyes briefly just to make sure everyone was fine.  
"Just talk to us okay? We want you to be able to walk out of here," Liv tried.  
"You're lying. You'd kill us in a heartbeat."  
"No. That's not true. All we want is to talk to Eric. Can we do that?"  
"You're lying," screamed the voice and another shot followed by three more rang out through the door. They kept still outside the door. According to Matt there were at least five guns in there, more if anyone of them already were packing. The SWAT guy had a brief look through one of the gun holes. He shook his head to Liv as to let her know he saw no one.  
"Eric?" Liv tried again. "Just talk to us Eric." Another shot rang out.  
"Shut up." Someone screamed from inside. Liv looked back at Fin as to get some input on what to do. He didn't know though. She didn't know he was just waiting for a chance to pull the trigger on Eric.

Suddenly another voice was heard from the apartment.  
"What do you want?" It was darker. Sounded more mature.  
"Eric?"  
"Yeah."  
"I'm Olivia. We're here to bring you in for what you did to Amanda." Silence.  
"I didn't mean to hurt her. She fell. It wasn't my fault." The voice got a touch of desperation to it. Liv knew what role she had to play even though she didn't like it.  
"I know Eric. Amanda is fine, she woke up. She told us that it was an accident when she hit her head. We still need to talk to you though." There was a long pause.  
"She's really awake?" It sounded like he was relieved to hear this.  
"Yes. She's fine Eric. Why don't you come out here and talk to me?" Another long pause but then they could hear two voices arguing with lowered voices.  
"Eric I just want to talk to you," Liv tried.  
"Shut up bitch. You just wanna put a bullet in his head for what he did to your cop friend."  
"That's not true. I want to hear Eric's version to what happen."  
"Yeah right." They heard the two men talk again but couldn't make out about what. It was clear this other man tried to convince Eric that Liv wasn't being truthful though.

Outside they had discussed the possibility to use a stun grenade if the dialog failed. The apartment was located so that they had no use of snipers but they had men ready on the roof to lower themselves down to enter through the windows. Liv wasn't quite ready to give up yet though.  
"Eric. Please just talk to me?"  
"Shut up," the other man screamed and another shot came through the door.  
"Spencer? Is that you?"  
"So what?"  
"We just want to talk to Eric."  
"Right. So you'd just let me walk out of here then?" Liv didn't know how to answer that, she knew with the warrant they couldn't just let him go.  
"Didn't think so." Liv cursed to herself and shot Fin a look over her shoulder. She felt as she was losing the situation even before she got a chance to grab it. Fin came up behind her.  
"Let's just wait them out a while," he whispered and she nodded. They sat put for a while and the apartment fell silent. "They're all in the back room" came a brief voice in their earpieces. There was always an eerie silence in situations like this. With the floor cleared all the normal background noises were gone and the police had the street blocked off so all traffic was missing. Liv rested her head on the wall behind her. She would not lose this situation.


	21. Chapter 21

Liv decided to try again and called out Eric's name. At first nothing was heard from inside the apartment but as she called out a third time an angry voice was heard in the next room  
"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up," the voice probably belonging to Spencer rang out and was followed by multiple gunshots. More than one gun was used and the door was getting blown to pieces. This worked to their advantage though and as one gun cocked and the other soon followed a sniper from the SWAT team by the back wall took a risk by peaking through one of the big pieces missing on the door. A single shot rang out from his gun and they heard a body fall to the ground soon thereafter. The SWAT guy on the opposite side of the door from Liv peaked inside.  
"One down," he whispered as he went back behind the doorframe. He nodded at his man that had taken the shooter out as to let him know he did a good job.

They heard a voice from the inside that seemed to repeat the word 'fuck' over and over again.  
"Eric? Dale?" Liv called out.  
"Don't shoot okay?" a third voice.  
"We won't. Just put your guns down and come out with your hands over your head okay?"  
"No. No. Not okay. I've seen it on TV. You'll shoot anyway."  
"No we won't do that Dale. This isn't TV. Trust me Dale." Nothing was heard from the inside for a minute or two.  
"Dale? Talk to me," Liv called out.  
"We don't trust you. He hurt a cop. He didn't mean to but now you'll kill us."  
"No we won't Dale."  
"You're just saying that." Liv had been in this situation before. It wasn't always she managed to convince the suspect to come out willingly.  
"What if I come in? Will you put down your gun then?" They had to wait for the answer.  
"I will," he finally shouted.  
"And Eric?"  
"I didn't mean to hurt her," came Eric's panicked voice.  
"I know. I'm coming in okay?" she got no answer but nodded to the SWAT guy and he carefully turned the doorknob and pushed the door open. It kept on the hinges thankfully. They didn't need any loud noises right now.

"I'm coming with you," Fin whispered. Liv knew she couldn't, or shouldn't, go in alone and in any other case she would be happy to have Fin have her back but in this particular case it did worry her. Not for her own safety though. She could see how he held on to his gun. It was Eric's she feared for.  
"We're taking him in alive okay?" she fixed her eyes on him and got a nod.  
"Alive," she repeated and he raised his eyebrows as in 'I heard you the first time'. Liv took a deep breath and turned back to the door.  
"I'm coming in with my partner. We don't want any harm to come to any one of you." She moved quickly inside and put her back to the wall. Fin came in and took the other flank. They scanned the room quickly. It looked like any other drug pad. They carefully made their way inside the room. Liv kicked Spencer's gun away while Fin hunched down to make sure he was dead. He gave Liv a quick nod as he rose back up. They made their way to the back door as two SWAT members came in behind them and dragged Spencer's body to the wall so the obstacle would be removed if they needed to charge in.  
"Dale?" Liv called out.  
"Yeah?"  
"Have you put your gun to the floor?" No answer came.

"Hold on okay?"  
"Why Dale?" They heard Dale search for words but he seemed unsure how to answer her. Liv peeked inside. It was a fairly large room. Dale stood closest and had his eyes on Eric who where holding his arms on his head. Gun in hand.  
"What's going on Dale?" she met Dale's eyes briefly but it looked like Eric posed as the more threat as he waved the gun at her as he saw her. Liv hid behind the door again.  
"It's okay Eric. We're not here to hurt you. Put the gun down okay?"  
"He's just scared okay?" Dale answered. "He knows she got hurt but he didn't mean to okay?"  
"We know that," Liv tried. "Dale if you just put your gun down first we'll talk to Eric okay?" She wanted him out of there.  
"Okay okay." She peeked inside. Eric stood still while Dale put his gun to the floor.  
"Kick it away from you," she told him and he did. "Put your hands on your head and slowly walk towards me."  
"But what about Eric?"  
"I'll take care of him don't you worry." Dale looked at his friend.  
"Don't do anything stupid pal. She's not worth it. Neither of them," he said and Fin squeezed his gun hard.

"Just back up towards me Dale. Common." Liv didn't want him to get any funny ideas into Eric's head right now. She saw Dale slowly back up towards them. She looked back and saw some of the SWAT team waiting in the doorway ready to take him. Dale came to the door and Liv put her hand against his back as she guided him into the other room. Two SWAT team members rushed forward and got him out of there within seconds. Liv saw Nick enter the apartment. When she turned back though she saw Fin move inside the room. She managed to stop herself from calling out his name.  
"Who are you?" she heard Eric scream and she stepped after Fin quickly. Eric was waving his gun around.  
"It's okay Eric. I'm Olivia and this is Fin," she had her gun still pointed at him but tried to look as unthreatening as possibly. Eric immediately put his gun to his own head.  
"Wow. Just relax Eric," she pointed her gun elsewhere. Fin still had him cornered though.  
"Everyone just relax," Liv said as calmly as she could.

So here he was Fin thought to himself. The big man. Eric Salinger. The drug addict. The con artist. The murderer. The child molester. The rapist. The low life. The lowest of the low. He felt like pulling the trigger right away but at the same time wanted to look him over. Make him scared shitless. Make him suffer like he'd made her had for so many years now. He looked as she had described him. His eyes and cheeks were sunken in. His hair long and greasy and bundled up. He was tall. He must have looked terrifying for a fourteen year old. His eyes were dark and looked both haunted and scared right now. He looked at his arm, his hand holding on to the gun. He had big hands. Dirty hands. Fin saw his lips move but couldn't hear him at first. He pulled himself back to the present.  
"I didn't mean to hurt her," he heard him say and he clinched his teeth even harder.  
"She was fourteen. You knew you were hurting her," he hissed and Eric got a distraught look on his face. He was taken off guard, he didn't think they knew about that. He shook his head.  
"No. I loved her. I only wanted to love her," he said as tears started to run down his face. Fin felt his hand shiver squeezing the gun so hard.

"Fin. Don't." Liv whispered. Eric looked from Fin to Liv and then back to Fin again. His jaw quacked.  
"I loved her," he said quietly.  
"That's not love," Fin hissed. He thought about where he should put his bullet. It wasn't uncommon to put a bullet in a suspects arm or leg if they threaten their own life. He could do that and then say he went for his gun again and put one in-between his eyes. He wanted him to suffer before he died. He slowly moved further in to the room. He didn't want Olivia to get caught in a cross fire.  
"Eric put your gun down and we'll talk about it," Liv tried but Eric was focused on Fin. He knew where the real threat lied.  
"I never wanted to hurt her. Jade loved her. I wanted that too. I just wanted us to love each other. That's all." He looked like he actually meant it. Neither Fin nor Liv doubted he could be so delusional, even though he was thought of as having a brain. They'd met plenty of smart psychopaths during their time in SVU.

"We know Eric. We're here to help you." Liv looked at Eric but let her eyes sweep over to Fin every now and then. She was worried, she had no idea what he was up to but she had a feeling even before they entered that he was not planning to let Eric walk upright out of there.  
"You can't help me." Eric met Liv's eyes briefly.  
"Why do you say that Eric? I told you we already know it was an accident when she hit her head."  
"But I did other things." Eric was looking at Fin again. Fin had stopped once he reached the wall.  
"Yes you did Eric. You hurt my partner." Fin took deep breaths. He felt calm as he starred back at Eric.  
"Yes, he did Fin but we're here to help Eric now," Liv said. "Eric, listen to me. We can sort it all out if you just put down your gun."  
"No, it's too late," Eric sobbed.  
"No it's not Eric. I can see you're upset, you didn't want to hurt Amanda right?" Eric looked over at Liv again and he shook his head. The gun in his hand moved with his head.

"Then why didn't you stop Eric? Why wasn't it enough to destroy an innocent fourteen year old? Why did you have to keep tormenting her?" Fin felt his trigger finger itching.  
"I told you. I just wanted her to love me like Jade did. If she'd just been more like her sister we could have been happy together."  
"So you think raping her would make her love you, you sick bastard?"  
"That's enough Fin," Liv said with a stern voice. She felt just the same way he did but she feared he would get himself into trouble if she didn't help him out right now.  
"Eric listen to me, you're sorry about what you did right?" Eric nodded, his eyes still on Fin though.  
"Okay, that's a good start. Do you want to tell Amanda that?" Eric looked over at Liv.  
"You'll let me talk to her?"  
"Yes, let's get out of here and you can tell her that yourself. You can tell Amanda you're sorry." Eric's eyes wandered around the room as he seemed to contemplate Liv's offer.

"She was so pretty you know? So innocent. So young." He suddenly said.  
"I loved Jade. I still love her. She was like the family I never had. And Amanda..." Eric seemed to drift off into his own thoughts. Fin hated hearing him say her name. He felt he didn't have the right to say her name or even to think of her.  
"The way Amanda looked at Jade. I wanted that too. I just wanted her to love me."  
"I understand that Eric. It's okay," Liv said but it didn't look like Eric heard her. He was lost in his own thoughts or it could be the drugs talking.  
"Her eyes were just always sparkling. Her skin. Her lips. Her mouth. So inviting. Without knowing it. Still. Just so oblivious to her own beauty." Liv looked over at Fin. She didn't like what she heard so she feared Fin wouldn't either. And he was the one with his finger still on the trigger.  
"So innocent. I wanted to protect that. I wanted to keep her safe. Jade was safe with me, Amanda could too. I just had to show her. But she wouldn't let me," he suddenly focused his eyes back at Liv and then went over to Fin.  
"I didn't mean to but I hurt her. I know it was wrong but I couldn't stop myself. She was just so… loveable."

The eerie silence lowered itself in the room as Eric stopped talking. Liv met Eric's eyes again briefly before he looked back at Fin. He had a ghastly clearance in his eyes that hadn't been there before.  
"I hurt her," he said with the clarity seen in his eyes.  
"Tell her I'm sorry," he held Fin's eyes for a long second and then the shot rang off.  
"No." Liv heard herself scream as she ran forward. Fin beat her to him though even though he'd seen the life disappear from his eyes before he hit the floor. Fin pushed his hand to the gun hole in Eric's head as blood kept pumping out. Liv came up on the other side of Eric. Fin searched his neck for a pulse.  
"Fuck," he screamed as he knew there was no way they could bring him back so he himself could kill him. He removed his hand from Eric's head and looked up at Liv. Nick had entered the room and now walked up by Eric's feet.  
"Fuck." Fin repeated and slammed his fist on to Eric's lifeless torso.

They all knew this may have been the best outcome. Eric killed by his own gun meant no trial for Amanda. No questioning of what happen in the past and what might be missing from the whole picture. The statement given by the parent's would be in there but Cragen would rule it unnecessary to act on and it would be buried deep in the file. No questions about crimes committed to her over the years that Amanda failed to report, a crime itself. No further interrogation of the frail sister was needed. They could pack the case in and just move on. But even if it was the best outcome it didn't feel like a win to anyone of them. Eric didn't get to suffer. Didn't get to make amends for what he did. Relatives to the robbery victim back in 1997 wouldn't get any answers to how or why. And again Amanda could stay silent. No one would know her story. No one would give her the justice she so rightfully deserved. Fin didn't feel good at all as he looked down on Eric's lifeless body. He felt like he hadn't delivered on his promise to her.

Once everything on the crime scene was taken care of Fin and Liv drove to the hospital. They wanted to let the Rollins family, especially Amanda, know that Eric was no longer alive. Liv thanked the guard by the elevator and then the one by the door for their services and told them the threat was gone. Liv then knocked carefully on the door before they entered. They found the entire family in there. The dad in his chair in the corner, quiet as usual. The sister up on the bed by the footboard and the mom in the chair by the bed. Amanda under the covers with her legs pulled up to her chest. To an outsider it looked like an ordinary family perhaps just visiting a daughter who had just taken out her appendix or something even less trivial. It didn't look like a family that had been carrying around such big secrets for so many years.

It felt like there had been talk and perhaps laughter in the room but it subsided as the somber detectives entered. Amanda only had to look at Fin to know and she held her breath fearing he'd done something that would cost him later on. Liv tried a smile and nodded as she open her mouth:  
"Eric is gone. He's dead." The sister let out something that sounded like a sad moan and the mother rose from her chair.  
"He killed himself." Liv continued and Amanda could finally take a breath. Justine started crying and the mother stepped to her and wrapped her arms around her in something reminding of a hug. The father turned his head to the window and seemed to drift off as so many times before.

The whole time Fin had his eyes on Amanda. He'd met her eyes as they first entered and he could tell she knew immediately. She'd looked scared once she saw him. Her eyes had grown as Liv told the room about Eric. Then the information how it happen came, she met his eyes again and he'd seen her take a deep breath. A breath much needed. He saw the mother put her arms around Justine but no arms were there for Amanda as her eyes teared up. He felt like she needed arms around her but he felt inept to be those arms right now. All he did was watch as she pulled herself together even more on the bed and her eyes faded away. He heard the mother ask Liv to confirm Eric was truly gone for good and Liv did so. That made the mother start crying too, more so in relief than sadness. Justine's tears sounded more like sadness while Amanda's just silently left her body without any feelings expressed on her face what so ever.

Liv had delivered hard messages to families so many times but she never got used to it. She was thankful she didn't though. She never wanted to get so jaded a message that had great impact to a family didn't get to her. Every case was different. Rarely had she déjà vu moments. Every face was different, every emotion varied and never was there a right way or a wrong way to react. Some messages received stayed with her for a long time. She had a feeling this one, this whole case really, would stay with her for a very long time. She knew this message meant she would be able to wrap things up. She had statements to write, some strings to roll up but then the technical side would be over for her since there would be no trial. Emotionally though it had only begun. The same went for Amanda. It was quite obvious now as she saw her bundled up in her sickbed looking like the loneliest and lost girl in the world. This family wasn't strong in crisis. Liv could only hope Amanda would let them, her squad, be the family she needed now that it was time to heal.


	22. Chapter 22

It wouldn't take long until things were back to normal at SVU. That was on the surface though. There was always crimes to fight and to solve for the squad. New victims that needed their help. Below the surface the feelings would stay raw for some time. Amanda's gaping desk caught many looks. What had taken place would again remind them of what was so important but was so easy to forget as life took over; to have each other's backs. To care, to get involved, to support each other. And it wasn't that Fin hadn't been there for Amanda. He had and maybe within time he would have been the first one she would have open up to if it hadn't been forced out when it was. Now this whole ordeal functioned as a wakeup call for all of them. Cragen ordered them all to set up times for individual psych counsels with the department psychologist, as many as they themselves felt needed he would sanction. He ordered Fin to at least three though knowing how he tried to weasel his way out of them in the past.

Olivia and Nick were already back on a new case the next day but Cragen let Fin off to go visit Amanda at the hospital and see if she needed any assistance. Fin ran into Amanda's father by the elevator. He was carrying a plastic bag in his one hand. They gave each other a nod as hello and then stood in silence as they waited for their ride to arrive. Once in the elevator they were alone.  
"I think we're leaving for the airport in a little while." Jack suddenly said. Fin looked up at him and gave him a nod. Fin didn't understand how he was only thinking this and not knowing but he had stopped trying to understand the father a couple of days ago. The elevator became silent again and so was the walk down the corridor once they reached Amanda's floor. They were just steps from the door when Jack suddenly grabbed Fin's arm. Even though Fin didn't look at him with anything than a blank face he let go of him quickly once Fin turned and looked afraid what Fin would do to him. Fin just waited for him to say something.  
"Will you… look out for her?" He managed to finally say.

Fin just looked at the aging man. He could see Amanda in the man's eyes. And for the first time Fin could feel some sympathy for the man. He knew all too well how you could love a child with all your heart but still do them wrong. He'd done it to his son when he'd first broken the news of being gay to his father. Fin was not proud of how he had acted. He tried to make amends for his actions every time he saw or spoke to his son. Jack would maybe never get there but Fin could see remorse in his face. Hell his entire body language screamed 'forgive me' since the very first time he'd seen him walk into the squad room. Fin didn't have the right to judge, he had the right to an opinion but Amanda was the only one with the right to judge. Fin nodded at the man in front of him. He even managed to lift his hand and just pad him gently on his upper arm.  
"I will", Fin ensured.

Once they entered the room they found Amanda sitting on her bed, above the cover dressed in a light grey sweat set, and the mother standing by the window with her back to them. Bonnie stopped talking midsection and spun around once she got aware she was no longer alone with her daughter. Fin could see on her eyes she either had been or still were crying. She wiped her cheek as she spotted Fin, made a turn towards the window again before she stepped up to her daughter with a big sigh. –So our daughter doesn't want us here any longer but I guess you knew that already detective Tutuola? Bonnie put her hands on her daughter's cheeks which made Amanda have to turn her eyes from Fin to her.  
"Mom," Amanda begged. "Are you sure I shouldn't stay for a couple more days?"  
"I'm sure mom. You have to get back to work. I'm fine." Amanda put her hands on her mom's arms to reassure her.

After holding her daughter's eyes for a while she finally let her go but not before she planted a kiss on her forehead. Bonnie shook some feelings off and straighten her hair before she went over to her bag that was laid out on the foot of the bed.  
"I'll call you as soon as we touched ground again and you better call me if something happens."  
"Nothing's going to happen mom but I will." Fin stood by and watched some more typical behavior from a person who really didn't want to leave. Meanwhile Jack placed the plastic bag he'd been carrying on Amanda's bed stand and then leaned across the bed to awkwardly put his arms around his daughter. But he made up for the awkwardness when he gave her a sincere kiss on her forehead and a stroke of her cheek before he let her go.  
"The bags arrived downstairs just now," he told his ex wife and then went to stand by the door. Both Jack and Fin had to stand by and watch Bonnie's theatrics before she finally was able to say goodbye. She hugged Amanda a long time, then grabbed her bag hastily and passed Fin quickly as she headed for the door. Jack put up his hand to his daughter and shot Fin a quick smile before he too went out the door.

Fin took a deep breath and looked over at Amanda. She gave him a doubtful smile before she looked down and then out the window. He wasn't sure what he should say and just let some time pass while he watched her profile.  
"They're letting me out," she finally said without looking at him.  
"You sure you're strong enough," he said what first crossed his mind. She looked over at him with assertive eyes but didn't say anything. He walked up to her bed.  
"You need a ride?" he asked and got her to look back up at him again.  
"I'm not sure just when though." Some confidence had left her eyes.  
"I'm in no hurry," he said and sat down on her bed. She kept his gaze for a while but then got some blush on her cheeks and had to look down. He had to smile at that, she was the most adorable when she got embarrassed. He saw her draw a small circle with her finger on the bed.

"Have you thought about where you want to go?" she looked up at him with a blank face.  
"I mean do you want to go to a hotel or…" he was planning to offer up his own apartment but wasn't sure how to put it and she beat him to it.  
"I'm going home," she just said without any emotions.  
"Are you sure you want to go back there?" he saw her take a deep breath before she answered.  
"I don't think… I mind… going back. It's still… my home. I think." she took her time and he could hear some doubt in there but he figured she'd probably thought it through. He wasn't going to talk her out of it and since he wasn't planning on leaving her side he figured they'd figure out once they got there whether it would work or not. He padded his jacket pocket.  
"I have the keys. Your door is fixed," he said and met her eyes briefly.  
"Thanks," she whispered as she looked away.

It would take some time before they were able to sign her out. Since no one told him to leave the room he stayed put while the doctor came in for a last checkup. It was mostly external and he figured it would be good to listen in on what the doctor told her since he for some reason wasn't sure she would take care of herself properly. The doctor prescribed some more painkillers for her, told her to make sure she got plenty of nutrition and liquids in her and abstain from strenuous exercise for at least a couple of weeks. Low impact walks were all she should do for the time being and he told her to listen to her own body. He wanted to see her back the following week when they might be able to take her staples out as well. He told her to see her gynecologist within a month and follow up on the STD tests. It looked like she paid attention to what the doctor told her.

The nurse stayed to clean out her head wound one last time before she could leave. Amanda put her elbows on the bed and rested her head in her hands so the nurse could get to the back of her bed. It was a pose Amanda seemed used to by now. Fin walked up as the nurse let her hair out from the ponytail and let it fall to either side of her head.  
"It's rather nasty looking," the nurse smiled at him.  
"I think I can handle it," he smiled back at her. He wasn't sure if this nurse knew he was a cop or not but he appreciated the warning. The nurse carefully removed the patch. It was nasty looking. At least three inches long and with rough edges. He could count at least ten big staples. They had shaved around the wound and even though he knew she wasn't vain he figured it was still a blessing the wound were placed in the back of her head. Amanda didn't move or make a sound while the nurse cleaned her wound. It seemed the nurse knew how Amanda preferred it and once she'd put a new patch on she put her hair back in a ponytail. The nurse smiled at her as she got ready to leave them.  
"I might see you next week but if not take care of yourself okay?"  
"I will. Thanks Syd." Amanda smiled back. Fin gave the nurse a nod and then they were alone again.

She didn't have much stuff to gather in the room. The sweat set she was in was from the hospital seeing how she didn't arrive in much and those few items were bagged as evidence now. Fin had been forthcoming enough to bring a pair of sneakers for her after his last visit to her apartment. Her dad had left that plastic bag for her on the night stand though and Fin pointed it out to her. She went over to look at it. He got a bit concerned when she just remained standing there for a long time.  
"Everything okay?" he finally had to ask. He could tell she took a breath and then she nodded. When she didn't move though he stepped up to her, curiosity got the better of him. He peaked over her shoulder and she handed him what she was holding on to since she could feel his presence. He took the gold metal star from her and looked at it closely.  
"Amanda Rollins, animal protector," he read out loud.  
"It's from the Chattahoochee nature center."  
"Chattawho?" Amanda chuckled briefly at that and turned her head slightly towards him. He could tell she had tears in her eyes. She had a shy smile on her lips.

"He fixed it for me." Fin just looked at her since he didn't understand.  
"I took a junior protector course at the nature preserve when I was eight. You got those when you took the exam. They misspelled my name. I thought I'd lost it long ago but he fixed it for me." He could tell by the look in her eyes this meant a lot to her and he looked at the star again.  
"Animal protector and now human protector," he said and handed it back to her with a smile. He saw her holding on to something else and she held it up for him.  
"Rock candy. My favorite kind," she whispered and put it all down in the bag again. Her father was making amends the only way he could right now.  
"Ready to head out of here?" he said and gently touched the back of her shoulder. She nodded and they went out so she could sign those release forms the doctor had talked about.

It was a short drive home and it was silent. Not the awkward kind though, just peaceful. Fin parked across the street. He went around the car to let her out but she was already out and he kept his distance as it felt like she needed it. He hung on to the keys though and was the one who held the front door open for her. They rode up under silence and she let him take the lead to the apartment. He wasn't sure if it was her tension he felt or his own as he unlocked her door. He pushed the door open and let her pass. She seemed to hesitate but then went in. She pushed her shoes of and then walked inside. He copied her and then hung out by the wall as she had a look around. She put the plastic bag down on the couch and then spun around to him.  
"Okay?" he had to ask once she didn't say anything. She nodded.  
"Good," he said. "I was actually here once while you were at the hospital." She raised her eyebrow.  
"I was thinking I'd help you out with something." She still looked puzzled.  
"Come with me," he said and gestured to the bedroom. He got to the door and once there he saw her hesitation. He scolded himself silently figuring the bedroom was maybe the hard part. He figured he'd go in and get what he was talking about but once he picked it up and turned to go out again she was in the doorway.

"Okay, _that_ you have to explain and quickly," her face had turned from scared to amused in a second. Fin was holding on to a mean looking chainsaw. He smiled.  
"I want us to cut up your bed."  
"Cut up?"  
"Yeah. Let's hack it into pieces and get it out of here."  
"But the neighbors?"  
"We're cops. Who would they call?" She let out a chuckle.  
"Let's do it," she smiled next.  
"Are you sure you're up for it though? No nap needed before?"  
"Nap my ass," she said and took a few steps inside the room.  
"Okay then let's get this baby hooked up." Fin went over to the wall to get the cord in. He passed the bed stand on his way back and picked up a few things.  
"You need to put these on though. Your head and all. It's not the noisiest but still," he handed her a head gear and once that was on a pair of protective glasses.  
"Are we just gonna cut into it? Mattress and all?"  
"You want to keep the mattress?"  
"Hell no."  
"Then hell yeah. Well we should probably close the doors. Keep the debris in here as much as possible. And move the bed stands." He put the chainsaw down and went to move the bed stands as Amanda went and closed all the doors.

"Ready then?" he asked as they met back by the chainsaw again. She nodded.  
"Wanna do the honors?" he asked. She looked scared but then nodded.  
"Okay let me just fire this up then," he pushed the button and the blade started spinning. He handed her the tool and she took it with some hesitation. She looked at him as to ask if she was holding it right and he gave her a nod. She walked up to the bed and then carefully put it to the footboard. It started digging into the wood. He could see her body work as she pushed the blade down and once she finally got through the thick board she turned her head to him. She had a smile on her lips and it looked like this was a very cleansing activity for her. It made him smile too. She managed to cut a big piece off the footboard until fatigue took over. He could see her getting tired and he stepped up to take over the job for her. She remained standing beside him for a while but then she went to sit down by the back wall. He looked over at her from time to time to make sure she was doing all right and every time she gave him a small smile to reassure him she was okay.

It took nearly an hour to cut the whole thing into pieces. When he was done he was sweaty and the room was kind of in a real mess. He turned the tool off and set it down on the floor beside him. Amanda got off the floor and her body left a clean figure where she had been sitting. She got her headgear off and looked around with a big smile on her face.  
"Don't worry. I got it covered." He said as he too got his headgear off and he pulled out his phone. When he found who he wanted to call he put the phone to his ear. The call was short.  
"Hey. It's Fin. You're cool? Great. You got the address right? Yeah. And you got the new mattress? Cool. Thanks. See you in a bit then." He hung up and looked over at her.  
"Malcolm. My buddy. He cleans crime scenes. He owes me, I got him tons of jobs." Fin winked at her.

They didn't have to wait long for Malcolm to show up. He threw Amanda a nod from a far and introduced his friend Doug, or it could have been Dog. Fin seemed to know him too. While the three men took care of the mess in the bedroom Amanda went into the bathroom to freshen up. Within an hour there were no trace left of the bed that had previously taken over the entire bedroom. Malcolm had brought a simple but very comfortable new mattress for her that they placed on the floor for the time being. Fin could tell Amanda wasn't her usual self around the two strangers in her apartment but that was understandable, she was still polite and thanked them as they were leaving. Fin shook hands with the men at the door and then went back to Amanda who had retreated back into the kitchen.

After her shower she'd dressed in a sweat set of her own, black bottoms and a burgundy hoodie. It fitted her better. The edges of her hair were still a little bit wet but she'd kept the water from her wound. She looked tired, a bit run down which wasn't surprising.  
"You would tell me if this cost you something right?" she was hinting to him earlier telling her Malcolm did this as a favor for him.  
"Of course." She gave him a look that said she didn't completely trust him but he was being honest. He walked passed her and jumped up at the counter by the window.  
"You want some?" she dropped the subject and instead offered him some iced tea that she was fixing. She'd already put out two mugs on the counter. His previously encounters with the cold liquid hadn't been so good and his face told the story as her offer came.  
"I won't make yours so sweet I promise."  
"Cause I don't need more sweetness you mean?" She rolled her eyes at him but she couldn't hide the faint smile. "Okay okay give me some then," he accepted.

He watched her stir the liquid and then let his eyes wander around the kitchen. His eyes fell on the little frame across the room.  
"What's up with that?" he decided to ask. She turned her head to him and then spun around to where he was pointing.  
"The quote?" she asked and saw his nod as she turned back to the counter.  
"The gods avenge not on the son the deeds done by the father. Each, or good or bad, of his own actions reaps the due reward. The parents' blessing, not their curse, descends," she recited low but with emphasis on the right words and he was somewhat impressed. It sounded so much better when she spoke the words than when he had a couple of days ago. She gave him a quick look as she was done. She seemed almost a bit ashamed.  
"It's just from a play I like," she tried to brush it away.  
"Which one?" She gave him a look again.  
"You really wanna know this?"  
"Sure. I've seen some of the books you read and all and I never knew you were into plays and theater and stuff." He had to wait a while before she decided to let him into her little world. She poured some sweetener in her mug as she contemplated what to tell him. She started to stir the liquid.

"My favorite play writer is this German dude," she gave him a quick look and he saw her make a face as she said 'dude' as to bring the cultural level down a few notches. He had a feeling though she carried some heavy knowledge when it came to this subject. She was done with the iced tea and walked over to him with his mug.  
"Johann Wolfgang von Goethe," she said as he took the mug from her. Fin was thinking what a cool name, both wolf and goat, but he didn't say anything fearing that it would disparage something she felt passionate about.  
"He was a writer, artist _and_ a politician actually," she said as she headed back to her mug. She took a zip before she continued.  
"And he also did some studies of natural science. Goethean science." Fin could tell she was really into this guy.  
"His poetry has been set to music by Mozart. He had, and still has, a good reputation among his peers. He was born in the 18th century." She took another zip of her tea. She was quiet for some time but after the third time her eyes had wandered by him she spoke again.

"That quote is from Iphigenia in Tauris. It's an ancient Greek tragedy he reworked. It's basically about a demigod that gets banished and has a curse put on him and his family. The curse of the Tantalids. His descendants are driven by revenge and hatred and they offer up one of their offspring as a sacrifice to the gods to spare the rest of the family." She put the mug up to her face and drank. Fin got why this play was special to her. A Greek tragedy set in the suburbs of Atlanta.  
"Will you take me to one of his plays sometime?" he asked.  
"Honestly?" She gave him a suspicious look. He nodded.  
"It sounds as this wolf and goat man could mix well with my jersey shore peeps." He saw her nostrils flair above the rim of the mug. He took another zip from his tea.  
"This wasn't so bad actually," he said.  
"It's peach."  
"Of course," he smiled at her.

Even though she was exhausted he ordered them some take-out. He felt the need to see she got fed properly. They didn't speak much as they ate. They sat on the couch and watched a basketball game during. She didn't eat as much as he liked her to but he could tell she was really tired and didn't hassle her too much about it. Afterwards he helped her put linen on the mattress. He'd asked if he should, or could, stay on the couch but she declined. He tried once more a little later but seeing how she was so tired she didn't have any defense walls up she gave him an honest answer. She felt as though she had people around her constantly for the last couple of days and she was just longing to be alone. He could understand that and decided not to push it.

As it was time for him to leave though he worried about her being all alone. She picked up on it but didn't have the strength to deal with it. She felt like she could fall asleep where she stood.  
"You will call if there's anything." She nodded. "And I will call you tomorrow if I haven't heard from you."  
"Okay." They got to the door and Fin found himself contemplating how to say goodbye. He hated feeling so unsecure and didn't want this whole thing to come between them. He wanted to be able to treat her like before but he felt restraint to do so. His goodbye became a hand on her cheek and a light kiss on her opposite temple. It didn't feel so awkward. He held her eyes for a second and his gut got a scary feeling that it would be the last time he saw her. He wasn't sure where that came from but he became very scared he was losing his partner.


	23. Final Chapter

Of course she wouldn't call him during the night. She would never admit to him waking up sweaty and screaming for the next couple of weeks every single night. Sometimes more than once. He called her the following day and when she the third time finally picked up he felt relief to at least hear her voice. Later during the week he knew she would be in to give her statement. Olivia would be the one who'd take it. He had been planning to be around when she came in, partly because he just wanted to lay eyes on her but also to show his support. But then apparently they'd changed time and when he got in from working a case with Munch he was informed by Cragen that he'd just missed her. He asked how she'd looked and Cragen told him a bit evasive that she'd looked tired but kept up a good front. When he asked his captain when she would be back he'd just been given the insignificant answer 'Give her time.'

He then tried to locate Liv but she had headed out with Nick already. A while later he saw a clerk leave a file in Liv's inbox and he went against his ethics and walked over to have a look at it. It was the transcript of Amanda's statement as he had hoped and he took it with him to one of the back rooms. He could feel by the thickness of it, or lack there of, that it wouldn't be much in there. He read through it and it was as he expected – hollow. Liv had started with the alley attack and again Amanda stated she didn't remember much after she was pulled into the alley. She stated Eric was prone to violence and he had become physical when he paid her a visits before asking for information about Justine's whereabouts. On Liv's question how many times in the past Eric had 'paid her a visit' Amanda had answered about four or five. And she'd answered Liv that he'd become a bit physical once or twice of those visits. Fin didn't believe a word of that. He knew Amanda would know exactly how many times she had a run in with Eric. But he also understood why Liv hadn't probed more. Amanda had an obligation to report a crime and if the physical passed a certain point she could be in trouble.

The footage from the alley or any hospital report from the outcome of that alley incident would not be in the file just for the reason Amanda committed a crime not reporting that assault. Neither would there be any statements by Liv or Fin of what they knew about that night. Amanda's answer to Liv's question about the final assault in her apartment was about as thin as the previous one. She remembered him being at her door suddenly. First asking questions about her sister's whereabouts and then asking for money. When she tried to hand him some bills through the security chain he had kicked the door in. The last thing she remembered was trying to get to her spare gun in her bedroom and then nothing until she woke up at the hospital. The doctor had told him the head trauma could have given her blackouts from that night but Fin wasn't so sure that was the case here.

The hospital report from that last assault would be in the final file though along with some gruesome photos taken while she was still in a drug induced coma. The rape kit result was in there too. Liv had gone on to ask if Eric had ever sexually assaulted her in the past. Amanda had answered no and then Liv had to bring up the assault her parents had told them about. She told her she didn't remember much. The memories she did have was mostly short fragments, more as she'd seen it on a movie happening to someone else. A hand over a mouth, pyjamapants being pulled off someone, someone else screaming, someone moaning and then just darkness. That's all she remembered after going to bed that night and then nothing for a couple of days afterwards. Liv asked if it was Eric who had sexually abused her that night though and Amanda had answered "I think so". Fin wished he could have seen the face that came with that answer. And that was all that was in the transcript. It would go in the final file along with the one hospital report, the hospital photos, her parent's interview, a transcript from Dale's statement from the apartment shooting and Eric's autopsy report. Followed by a statement from Liv and Nick about when they found Amanda in her apartment and then Livs, Nicks and Fins statements from the shooting incident. And with that it would be cased closed.

But of course a case like this was really never closed. Nick would live with the memory of breathing life into Amanda's limp body and having her blood all over his hands. He would remember the interview with her parents and the revelation of the child abuse Amanda was exposed to. Liv would live with the memory of touching Amanda's cold body and not finding a pulse. She would see that blood dripping from her hair in her dreams every now and then. And the image of Amanda's pale face with that breathing tube down her throat in the trauma room would pop up in front of her eyes whenever she saw a victim in a similar state. For Fin this past week would stay with him for the rest of his life. The good, the bad, the ugly and the horrendous. He would try and deal with it his own way but in the end have to face the fact he needed help to digest and work through it all. Right now though all he could think about was that he needed his partner back at work.

When he ran into Olivia next he asked her for a minute and then asked to get her feeling of the statement she took earlier. As suspected she'd felt as though Amanda was holding back and wasn't completely truthful but it had also felt like they had a mutual agreement there and then not to push anything. Liv too didn't want any more harm to come to Amanda. Having Amanda charged wouldn't favor anyone. Liv had probed a bit after the recorder was off but Amanda had bit her tongue. She'd asked if she was talking to anyone about everything that had happen but Amanda had been elusive. She'd said Cragen had ordered her to see the department shrink and that a doctor needed to clear her before she got back to work. When Liv had asked her when that would be Amanda had just given her a brief look and then averted the question by telling Liv she hoped they hadn't gotten in any trouble because of her. Liv had assured her there had been no trouble but that they were all concerned about her and if there was anything anyone of them could do she shouldn't be afraid to ask. And that was basically all Liv had for him.

Since she was picking up the phone less and less as he called and their conversations felt stiff he decided it was time for them to meet. It had been a week since he saw her last. He texted her that he wanted to see her in the park across her street. He let her choose the time but that only lead to a few complex and aversive texts back and forth so he finally wrote 'be there at two or I'm coming up'. He didn't get a text back so once he sat down on a park table a few minutes before two he was nervous she wouldn't show up. But she did. He'd scouted out her front door since he got there and once he saw her small form coming out he felt some relief. He watched her demeanor as she crossed the street. To an outsider she would probably not stand out but he could tell something was off. He wondered how many times she'd left her apartment this past week. Once to the station and nothing else he figured.

She was dressed according to the season, the fall air was coming in to the city and the colors changing. She'd swept herself in a warmer jacket. She was more the kind that leaned towards comfort and essentials than the latest fashion but he'd always thought she picked the right colors for her hair and skin tone. Yes some men spotted that too. The jacket was in a dark plum color. The black sweatpants with her boots worked for a trip across the street. She'd put a simple striped beanie on to cover the gash in the back of her head. He saw her swipe the jacket closer around her as she got closer. She repaid his smile once she got closer and she stepped up on the bench and sat down on the other end of the table.  
"It's getting cooler," she said with some shiver to her voice and he nodded. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she had a look across the park. Except for an elderly man walking a dog further down into the park they were alone. She looked as pale as when he last saw her. She had one of those faces that looked great even without make-up but he could tell from the darkness below her eyes she wasn't sleeping well.

Finally her eyes landed briefly on him and he could tell she felt uncomfortable under his gaze. She smiled shyly and looked down.  
"So how are you holding up?" he asked and saw her take a deep breath as she thought about what to say. Her eyes came back up to meet his and it looked as though she was about to say something but she got interrupted by tears welling up in her eyes and she had to look away to prevent them from falling. He looked away too to not make her feel even more uncomfortable. The wind swept through the trees above their heads. Fin watched as some leafs fell to the ground.  
"I miss you," he admitted and felt her eyes on him. "I know I shouldn't push you right now but I just miss you. Work's no fun without you." He caught a leaf mid air and took a closer look at it in his hand. He followed the tiny veins in its core with his eyes. Life was running out of this little piece of the tree. Small things like that hadn't caught his attention before but suddenly he was so aware of things going on around him. He had the blues bad.

He couldn't keep his eyes of her any longer and turned his head as he let the leaf fall to the ground. She looked away immediately and he saw her tighten her grip around herself. He wasn't in a hurry to get out of there but he felt stressed that she wouldn't let him in. He had thought so hard about what he could do to make her trust him but he didn't find an answer and now all he could do was wait. Give her time as Justine's counselor Corinne had advised him. He saw her shake something off as she took a deep breath and seemed to grow an inch or two. She looked at him briefly through the corner of her eye. He saw her bite the inside of her lip. Her eyelids fluttered. Small nervous tics that all told him she wasn't ready to open up but then suddenly she spoke.  
"I just don't know who to be," her voice was small and frail but he could still hear her. He listen to every word she said with great intensity.

"I know it must sound crazy but keeping my sister protected was the one thing that got me going. And now… I just don't know what to do with myself." Her blues met his dark briefly and she gave him an awkward smile. When she didn't continue he gave her a slight shake of his head.  
"It doesn't sound crazy at all," he said it as sincerely he could to make her truly believe him. He saw tears gather in her eyes again and she looked away to keep them in. He was afraid she wouldn't say anything else and decided to follow his gut and probe a bit.  
"How many times did he look you up?" She kept her eyes forward. She swallowed.  
"Justine's been in rehab or locked up ten times since I went away to college. He came around every time. Twice this her last, hopefully last, round."  
"And how many times has he…" He didn't know how to finish the sentence but figured she'd get it anyway. He couldn't explain the perverted need he felt to know this. She looked at him sideways and then shook her head slightly. He got it. She wasn't ready to talk about it and he'd let it go for now. The man with the dog passed them as he was leaving the park. Amanda looked away but Fin met the man's stare without hesitation. He pierced his back as he walked away from them.

"How can I be of any help to anyone when I was too weak to stop him?" Fin moved his eyes over on her again. She had lowered her head and he saw a single tear drop down on her knee. She hastily wiped her cheek with her fingers.  
"I don't know how to make you realize you're not weak," he said. "You're anything but Amanda." He thought about what to say but decided to speak his mind.  
"Fourteen. God. To survive that. Far from weak. I'm not saying, ever, that it was a good thing but it was the cards you were dealt with. A really crappy hand. But somehow you managed to get here. And I've seen you in action. You're good Amanda. You're needed. Don't tell yourself otherwise," he went silent as a couple, a man and a woman holding hands, walked passed them. Amanda watched them from underneath her bangs. The woman smiled at her and then at Fin as she looked over to him. Fin smiled back and let out a sigh. He felt overwhelmed with tension and took a few deep breaths before he looked back at Amanda.

She had put her hands over her face and then dropped all the way down to her knees. She looked still though. No sobs running through her body. He felt like scootching over and put his arms around her but feared rejection. He couldn't reach out and put his hand on her head either because of her gash. He started to feel useless when she suddenly rose back up. She took a deep breath that got stuck several times in her throat. The next one went a little smoother and the third one without a hick-up.  
"I've spoken with Corinne twice," she told him as she glanced over at him.  
"Yeah?" She nodded.  
"She wants me to come. Stay a week. She's fixed a room for me on the premises. Justine wants to talk to me. And then I would… talk to someone. Just to see how it goes." She gave him a crooked smile.  
"That sounds great," he said without hesitation.

She raised a questionable eyebrow at him telling him she wasn't as convinced.  
"You should do that. It can't hurt right?" There was no doubt in his mind she should take this opportunity. She looked away again.  
"It will probably hurt though," she whispered.  
"But the right kind of hurt for once. And you'll have professionals there to guide you through it."  
"You really think it's a good idea?" She looked anxiously over at him. He nodded.  
"Yes. As long as you do it for yourself. Justine being there is a bonus, you'll be able to talk and hang out. But you go there for you. So you can feel better Amanda." She tried to give him a smile and then looked out over the park again.  
"Yeah maybe I should. For me," she thought out loud. He looked out over the park as well. They sat there for a while in silence. The wind. A car passed by. A jogger ran by.

"I'm sorry," she suddenly said and he looked at her. She held his eyes. He wasn't sure what she was apologizing for.  
"I should never have asked you to kill him." He shook his head as to say it was nothing but she looked away.  
"That was wrong of me. That's your badge, your career."  
"There's no need Amanda. You were in shock when you asked me. I would have wanted to even if you hadn't. And I would have if I'd been given the opportunity. What he did to you that wasn't okay. He should've paid. He got off too easy." He just watched her for a bit.  
"Did Liv tell you what he said? Just before he..." He stopped as she looked up at him and shook her head just barely. He hadn't been sure earlier if he should tell her or not but now it felt important to him to be honest with her.  
"He said he was sorry. He wanted me to tell you he was sorry for what he did to you." Her eyes or face said nothing as she looked away again.  
"You okay?" he asked and she nodded. A little kid came running in to the park from the street. No more than five. All bundled up in clothes but still able to run. Soon after a mother with a stroller holding another, younger kid. She called out a girl's name as she tried to catch up to her eldest.

"Yeah maybe I'll go to Pittsburgh. Try to sort things out," she said quietly as the mother ran out of sight. He looked back over at her.  
"Just as long as you come back," he said. She tore her eyes from where she'd last seen the mother's back.  
"I'll give you some time. I trust Corinne with you. But I want my partner back okay?" Her face was blank but then he saw the corner of her mouth go up just a bit. He smiled at her.  
"Deal?" She pinched her lips together as they went up into a smile. He saw some spark back in her eyes.  
"You want to get something to eat?" he suggested but she looked hesitant.  
"Common I skipped lunch. I'm starving," he said and stepped down from the bench. He held out his hand to help her down. She looked at it for a while.  
"Small steps okay? Let me help," he said and soon thereafter she finally grabbed it. As she came down and let his hand go he grabbed her just quickly and squeezed her shoulder so her body came into his chest for a brief second. Then he let her go and they started walking out of the park.

"So when are we seeing that wolf and goat man's play? You know I'm just dying to right?" She chuckled and punched his arm hard but tenderly at the same time. He loved seeing her smile. He knew they had a long road ahead but he felt safe now. The past had reared its ugly head and it was the kind that wasn't easily forgotten. Not the kind that you could just shut your door to. But it was in the past now and they were here. The future was theirs and he would help her deal with it. They were partners and she was stuck with him. They were stuck with each other and that was a good thing. And he would soon learn Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wasn't such a bad playwriter. At least when you went with such a competent and pleasant company as his partner.

**XXX**

**Thanks to all of you that made it this far. I'd love to hear what you thought of it all and if I should give it another go if a story worth writing pops into my head again.  
****And many thanks to the bunch of you that left reviews along the way. You truly kept me going and made this - my first time - a positive memorable experience. The land of fanfic is truly a magical place to disappear to at times.**


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